Yesterday I was in a bad mood.

I was feeling stuck in my job, feeling like I was meant for more than what I am actually doing.  I had that feeling that there is so much more out there and I am doing this?

I was counting out pens and chip clips that have our company name and logo on them.  You know, promotional items.  And I was thinking, this is it?  All the years I’ve lived and all the experiences I’ve had and all the things I can do and all the things I know and I am counting out pens?

So I was grumpy.

But late in the day, one of the guys walked by who always stops to see what I am doing.  And I expressed my frustration to him.

He told me that years ago, he had a mentor that he had said the same thing to ~ I am so much more than this.  His mentor told him, do whatever you are doing the best you can and the next thing will come.  The mentor told him that it worked for him and my friend said that it worked for him, too.  My friend also said that one time he told a boss that he wanted more, that he wanted a promotion.  The boss told him, make it look easy.  Make it look like what you are doing is easy and then you will be given more.  So my friend “made it look easy” and he moved on up.

So I wrote those two thoughts down on a yellow post it note and stuck it on my desk.  Maybe today I won’t be as grumpy.

Last night, when I came home, my husband wasn’t here.  I like that feeling!  But I also get nervous when he isn’t here and I don’t know where he is or why he isn’t here or when he will show up.  I’m sure you know the feeling!

It rained most of the day yesterday so he didn’t work.  He did wash the dishes, though, so that was really nice.  I still didn’t know where he was.  I thought maybe he had decided to go out for dinner since he has that a couple of times recently.

I made dinner and watched an old Monk episode in peace.

Then he came home.  He wanted to know if we deliberately didn’t save him much of the dinner.  I told him it wasn’t deliberate, but that I didn’t know where he was.  He said he was at work.  So, whatever.  There was enough left for him that he had plenty to eat.

He asked me if I had had a good day.  I said, eh.  I told him that I was in a bad mood almost all day.   He asked me if I was feeling better.  I said, a little.

Then he said, were you mad at me?

I asked, why, and he said, I don’t know.

It’s all about him.  He didn’t really care what my bad mood as long as I wasn’t mad at him.  There’s love for you.

You know, I am almost beyond being mad at him.  Every day it’s something different and I simply feel minorly punched in the gut and I keep on walking.  It still takes something out of me, but it doesn’t wound me in quite the same way as it used to.  Maybe I am getting more and more numb.  (By the way, did you know that “minorly” isn’t really a word?  But it fits, so I am using it.)

So, yeah, that was my day yesterday.  Wanting the stars, settling for counting out pens, and ending up minorly punched.


Posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

I needed to hear this…

This comment was left on my “About” page.  For some reason, I needed to hear this today.   Maybe it is the line “…now in a loving relationship…”  Maybe it is the hope.

By the way, I appreciate so much all the comments left on my blog.

I divorced a PA man almost 4 years ago after being married to him for 22 years. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder about 2 years before I left him and am absolutely positive living with him was the cause. I still find myself unable to get off the meds and even have flash backs when some event triggers a memory of him and the life I had. I am now in a loving relationship (and no way a PA one) , am financially Independent and with twin boys heading off to college. I wish I never stayed in that relationship as long as I did, though I didn’t know he was PA until much later. I don’t know if the pain he caused me will ever go away or if I will ever be free of these meds but I am at least free of him. I can’t stress enough to anyone that is with a PA man, to get out, and get out as fast as you can, because it can change you forever if you don’t .

Posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships | Tagged , | 6 Comments

What’s Stopping You?

reblogged from Live & Learn

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a tale of two vehicles

Last night, I called my husband from the gym and asked him if he could borrow his mom’s car and go pick up pizza for dinner if I called and ordered the pizza.

(I had driven his truck to work since my van needed to be checked out by the mechanic.  His business is on his parents’ property which adjoins ours.  He can walk to his shop from our house in less than two minutes, so if he is working there, he can walk to work with no problem.)

Back to the pizza thing last night.  He said that he was still at work and that he didn’t want to get his mom’s car dirty.  (He does get pretty dirty from his work.)  He said that he would go pick up the pizza when I got home with the truck.

He actually ended up taking his dad’s truck to go get the pizza, but that is not the point of this post.

My van needs about $1700 worth of stuff done on it!  Yuck!  Anyhow, we decided to go ahead and have the brakes fixed today and wait on the other stuff.  So first thing this morning, I called the mechanic’s place and asked if he could get the brakes fixed today.   I had been planning on picking up my van this morning before work, but since he could get the brakes done, I left my van there and drove my husband’s truck again.

Before I left for work this morning, my husband offered to go get my van for me when it was ready.

Yes, that sounds nice.

However, he would be at work when the van would be ready.  And … he would be all dirty.

So, last night, he wanted to be very careful that his mom’s car would not get dirty.  Which is kind of him.  But today, it doesn’t matter if he gets my van dirty.

Yeah.  Well.  Whatever.

My daughter took me to pick up my van, so I have my van back.

Posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

I want to tell him…

I want to tell him it’s over.

I want to tell him that I can’t do this anymore.

I want to tell him that I want a divorce.

But I’m scared.

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I did it again.  I played nice.

Let me set this up just a little.

I’m leaving my van at the mechanic’s tomorrow.  (See post.)  And I’m driving his truck instead.  His truck is old and dirty and I really do not like driving it.  But, at least I will have transportation to work.

So today while I’m at work, he texts me.  Sometimes when he texts me, I reply.  Other times, I don’t.  Today, I decided to, once again (stupid me),  go along with his joke.  Oh, Josh works for him.  And I have an office job, just so you know.

him:  Are you going to need the trailer hitch on the truck tomorrow?  If not Josh might want to borrow it.”

me:  I’ll just do without…

him:  It’s ok.  He ended up not needing it.

He does this to me every time.  Whatever I am giving, nicely giving, even in a joke, he slaps back at me.

I know he thinks he’s being funny.  But I also think that he is “putting me in my place,” slapping me down.  Pushing away any kind gesture.

Anyhow.  Whatever.  Stupid me.  I should have just ignored him.

On another note, my depression is back.

I was doing better for awhile there.  Taking St. John’s Wort every morning seemed to be helping.  But then a few days ago, Saturday to be exact, the depression came back.  The dark clouds of hopelessness rolled in.  The suicidal thoughts appeared again.  I’m doing a tiny bit better today, but I still feel so down and so hopeless.  I keep trying to tell myself that my life won’t always be like this, that it will be different, that it will be better.  But then I get afraid that I am lying to myself.  I have cried so much the past few days.  Today I didn’t cry as much, but I hate going through life crying.

Sometimes I try to be hopeful.  And sometimes I feel like I am really, really, really stupid for even thinking that I might have a chance someday at a pretty house that isn’t falling apart and at a loving relationship with a man who adores me and knows how to show it.

Well, my daughter and I are going out for dinner to a little Mexican place that we like, so I guess I better get ready to go.  Thanks again for reading my blog.

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Amazon wish list…

Last night, I received an email from one of my sisters, asking me if I had sent her a gift from her Amazon wish list.

I emailed her back and told her, no, I hadn’t.

Then I started thinking.

A few days ago, my husband had said something about Amazon reminding him that my sister’s birthday was coming up and giving him her wish list.  He said he didn’t even know how Amazon knew that he knew my sister.  I said, Facebook?

(He’s on Facebook and so is my sister.  And they are “friends.”)

So last night, I asked my husband if he had sent my sister something from her Amazon wishlist.

He said, why?

I explained that she had asked me if I sent her something, etc…

He finally said that, yes, he had sent her something from her wishlist.

I asked him what.

He sent her a Sudoku book, a movie dvd, and a children’s book.

So, wow.

Not sure what to say.

Posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships | Tagged | 10 Comments

duct tape…

There will be those who think I am stretching it with this post.  And there will be those who get it.

I drive a white van.  On Friday, the front left side cover that goes over the signal lights fell off.  I was able to retrieve the cover out of the street.

My husband said he would replace the one light bulb that got broken.  The other light bulb survived.  He said he would have to duct tape the cover back on.


Believe me, duct tape has its uses!  Lots of them.  Starting with taping ducts.  Which I have done.  I also have used duct tape in my washing machine.  (Don’t ask.  At least no one sees it there.)  And, I’m embarrassed to say, I even have used duct tape in my refrigerator to hold together a shelf.

I really, really, really don’t want duct tape on my van.  Please.  I don’t.

I don’t know what else to do at the moment, though.  He offered to fix it for me.

Later in the week I am having my mechanic check out several things that seem to be wrong with my van.  You know, things like the catalytic converter, the transmission, the brakes…

It may just be time for a new (used) vehicle.

So my husband texts me from the store:

Will camo duck tape be okay?  Since it is camo, no one should be able to see it.

First of all, I know he is trying to be funny.  And it is kinda funny.  I’ll give him that.

But I don’t want duct tape on my van in the first place.  I debate back and forth in my mind.  I can ignore the text, pretending like I didn’t see it.  I can be serious and argue with him about not wanting duct tape on the van at all.  Or I can “laugh” at his joke.  I decide to be kind and “laugh.”

I text back:


He replies:

White costs half as much so I better get it.  What time will dinner be ready?

Like I said, some will get this.  If you get it, you’ve lived with a passive aggressive person.

If you don’t get it, be glad.  You can shake your head at me, but at least you won’t feel crazy over the antics of a passive aggressive person.

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not involved

My daughter is in New York City!

At this very moment, she is attending Les Mis.   I’m sure she is absolutely loving it!  And that is an understatement!  (link about Les Mis)

Did I ever tell you that she is an art student in college?

Anyhow, last night I put her on a bus to New York, and she – along with the other students going to NYC for spring break – arrived safely this morning.  It sure was hard putting her on that bus, though!  But you can’t hold them back from opportunities just because you are a mom who might worry about her little girl.

So, she’s in New York City.

A couple of days ago, I had printed out a google map for the bus stop location where I would need to take her to meet the bus.  When I got home, my daughter and I were talking and I forgot I had laid it on the table.

He saw it and asked my why I needed a bus stop.

I didn’t say anything.

I was mad at myself for forgetting and leaving it out.  And I didn’t know what to say to him.  I didn’t want to tell him anything.

He asked the question again and when I still didn’t say anything, he said, I guess it’s none of my business, right?

I don’t know how to describe his tone, but he sure wasn’t happy or understanding.

Last night, before I left to come home from work, I texted him and asked him if he could get his own dinner.  He texted back, yes.

When I got home, he asked me if I was going somewhere.  I said, why?  He said that I had texted for him to get his own dinner and he wondered if I was going somewhere.

(I was.  I was going to take my daughter to meet the bus, but I didn’t want to talk to him about it.)

Finally, I said, I resent it that you are not involved in things when I need you to be involved.  And then when I am doing something, you demand to know what is going on.

He said, I try to be involved but you put up walls.

I said, somewhat sarcastically, I put up walls???

Then I left the room.  I was changing clothes and then needed to grab something to eat and sew buttons on my daughter’s coat and then get her to the bus stop.  So I was a little busy.

A minute or two later,  I came back in the room and he said, well, I’m going to go put away the chickens.

He came back in a little later and was telling me stuff about the chickens.   Then he told me his mom wasn’t feeling well.  It seems like there was something else, but I don’t remember what.

And the whole time, I was thinking, really???  I threw out this huge thing about me resenting you not being involved and you are going to talk about chickens???

But, whatever.

My daughter is having a grand adventure in New York City.

Posted in covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments

Alone. Not.

My daughter isn’t here.  (See next post.)

This morning, my husband said he was going to be working late.

Really?  Could it be?

Could it be that there would be a possibility that I might have a few minutes at home, all by myself???



I came home, looking forward to my few minutes all by myself.

But, no.

It was not to be.

His truck was in the driveway.   There had been a change of plans.

So, I spent the evening lonely, rather than just alone.

Alone would have been lovely.

Maybe another time.

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