“if you respected me…”

Last night, in bed:

Him:  Will you make love with me tonight?

silence

Me: It makes me cry.

silence

Him, slightly pouty:  What do I have to do?

silence

Me, slowly:  I don’t know.   What does your book say?

[He’s reading “Love and Respect,” using a five dollar bill as book mark, no less.  That just hurts.]

He told me that the husband is supposed to love the wife and the wife is supposed to love the husband.  She is supposed to respect him unconditionally and he is supposed to love her unconditionally.  He said a crazy cycle get started when the wife doesn’t respect the husband and then the husband doesn’t love the wife and then the wife doesn’t respect the husband, etc.  He said that that has to get changed to the wife respects the husband and the husband loves the wife and this will then build more respect and more love.  He said that we are supposed to have sex.  He talked about where Paul wrote to the church about husbands and wives were supposed to have sex with each other.

I didn’t say anything.  I was feeling too revolted at the thought of having to have sex with him.  Just thinking about him between my legs was making me want to kill myself.  And I was also thinking about the fact that for well over half of our marriage, having sex with him has made me cry.

Finally, he said:  I think that if you respected me, you wouldn’t cry.

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his mom = the country

His mom is not doing well.

She has had bone cancer for over three years now and the bones in her back have really, really deteriorated.  She is in the hospital right now because surgery they did on her back awhile ago has collapsed and she is in extreme pain.  And today my husband said that her stomach is paralyzed, also.  She will be coming home tomorrow with medication to hopefully help her stomach function again.

Two nights ago, when she was admitted to the hospital with so much pain after the surgery collapsing, it was really hard on my husband.  He talked about her and her pain and the hopelessness of it and he cried.  It’s really hard on him to see his mom going through so much.  I listened and held his hand and tried to “be there for him.”  He told me thank you for listening to him.

Even though I am not in love with him and he has done a lot of damage to our family, I still have compassion for him and the things he and his dad are going through with his mom.  I am not unfeeling.  I do care about people and difficult situations.

Last night he told me that he had been thinking about his mom and her hopeless situation, with her health deteriorating.  He said that she would only get worse and worse and worse and then she would die.  But he didn’t cry this time.  Then he started talking about how it was the same with America, that America is in decline and that the country would only get worse and worse and worse and then it would die.

That was just weird to me.  It felt very creepy.

Regardless of how you feel about the political/moral situation of the US, it was really disturbing to hear him comparing America to his mom’s health situation.

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a bizarre comment

This morning, my husband started talking about the news story about actor Dimitri Diatchenko killing and eating his ex-girlfriend’s rabbit.  (See story here, if you really want to.)

Years ago, we had dinner at the home of friends.  (This post references my friend and her husband.)  A friend of the husband, an actor named Dimitri, was also a guest that evening.

So this morning, my husband was telling me about this news story about an actor named Demitri killing and eating his ex-girlfriend’s rabbit and him telling her that he was going to do the same to her.  And my husband was saying he thought this Demitri was the same Demitri who was at our friends’ home that night.

I said, you mean the one who thought I was the most amazing conversationalist he had ever met?

My husband said, yes, it could have been your rabbit that he killed and ate.

I think that was a really bizarre thing for my husband to say!

~~~~~~~~~~

Just so you know, I googled the Demitri in the news story and he is younger than I am.  The guest at our friends house was older that I am, so he’s not the same person.

And I have to tell you a little about that evening at my friend’s house.

It was kind of a mis-matched group that night so it could have been awkward.  But I learned a trick a long time ago:  find out what the other person’s interests are and keep them talking about their interests and they will think you are the most fascinating person in the world!

So I did that that night.

I have limited knowledge about movies and TV shows and this guest was an actor.  But I kept him talking about movies and TV shows.  Over the course of the evening, I think I pulled out every tid-bit of movie knowledge that I had to keep him talking and it actually ended up making it a good evening for everyone!  The other adults chimed in from time to time, but it was mostly this man talking and me keeping him going on the topic.

Later my friend told me that this man was really impressed with me!  But it was only because I kept him talking about what he liked!

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good enough to keep

I received this email from my sister yesterday; she is two years younger than I am.

Last night we were watching a MacGuiver episode and something really stood out to me.  I don’t know if you have watched much MacGuiver, but there is a zaney character in there named Jack Dalton.  He was talking about never knowing his parents.  His dad was killed in WWII shortly after Jack was born, and his mom gave him up for adoption.  (Later in the show we learned that his mom was 17 and so overcome with grief that she couldn’t even take care of herself, let alone her baby/toddler.)  But it was Jack’s comment that really struck me.  He said, “I wasn’t good enough to keep.”

In the Captivating book she talks about the wounds we have received and the messages that go along with those wounds.  You and I know  and understand full well that when we were little Mom was too sick to take care of us, and that’s why we were given to other people to take care of us, but our hearts received a different message.  That message may have been that we were “not good enough to keep.”   All our lives we have struggled with not being “good enough”.   Maybe that’s where it began for us, and then because our little girl hearts had internalized that message, each negative thing that happened to us seemed to be in agreement and support of that.  Maybe that is why we have gone through our lives waiting for the other shoe to fall, waiting for and fearing the next bad thing that will happen, because we are not “good enough” for it to not happen.

Maybe that is why it has been so hard for us to feel worthy of love and to receive love, whether from God or from others.  But I think that if we could truly hear from God on this, that He would tell us that we ARE good enough to keep, and that we are worth fighting for, and that that is what He is doing.  He is fighting for our hearts because He treasures us so much.  The “not good enough to keep” message is a lie from the Enemy.  I pray that He will free our hearts from it!

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a worthless shell

I try so hard and I screw up so much.

It wouldn’t matter if I didn’t care and I screwed up.

But I hate it that I do care and I do try and I still screw up.

And then I feel so crushed that I screwed up only because I tried and  I cared.  And if I hadn’t cared and hadn’t tried in the first place, then I wouldn’t have screwed up.

Sometimes I wish I didn’t care.  I wish I didn’t try.

Why is it like that?

Why do I try and then fall on my face so much?

At Toastmasters this week, someone said, “Fail with gusto.”  Well, maybe that’s me.  Because I sure do fail a lot.

And then I have this stupid belief from childhood that no one will like me, including God, unless I’m good enough, unless I’m perfect.  So, of course, I keep trying and trying and failing and failing.

I can’t go on like this.  I’ve gotten so close to being suicidal recently.  I think it is probably hormonal; I’m at that age.

But I can’t keep on living like this, hating myself, wanting to be okay, wanting to be enough, wanting to be loved.

And yet I haven’t found a way to love myself yet, so maybe it isn’t surprising that nobody else loves me.  (I know that sounds really whiny.)

Sometimes I think I’ve made a little progress in loving myself.  I keep trying (and failing???).

Sometimes I think maybe there really, truly, seriously is something wrong with me, that it is not just echos of childhood trauma, that it is not just living with a passive aggressive man for twenty seven years, that maybe it really is me, that I am just a screwed up mess and that there really is something wrong with me.

I keep telling myself that it is only a few more days, ten to be exact, until I go see Fred the counselor, and he will be able to help me.  And if he can’t help me, well, then I am going to go get drugs.  Because if I don’t, I may end up killing myself.  And I don’t want to do that to my daughters.

I may be only a shell, an empty, worthless shell, but I can’t put it on my daughters that their mommie killed herself.

I pray so hard and so often that God deliver me, but I don’t think He hears me.  After all, I’m not good enough.  I try to tell myself that it is just not time yet, that He is working out something for me, but I get so afraid that maybe it’s not true, that He really doesn’t care.

Maybe part of this is perimenopause and it is “just” hormonal and it will go away at some point.  I really need it to go away.  Now.

I don’t want to kill myself.  I want to be better.  I want to be sane and not a worthless shell.  I want my life to be meaningful.  But it’s not right now.

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cold and tired and dark

My husband has been trying to get me to watch a Bible Study that his church put on DVD about love and respect.  It seems like it is based on the Love and Respect book.  I don’t want to watch the DVD.  If he thinks he wants to learn how to love me better, good for him.  Not holding my breath.

He also keeps asking me if I want to go to church with him.  I don’t.  Every week he asks and every week I say no.  I need to tell him to stop asking me.  By the way, he is scheduled to speak at his church this week.

We had plenty of left-overs from Thanksgiving and each evening this week, he has warmed up left-overs for dinner.  Maybe to show he is trying to be more loving?

Today I had a very busy day at work and toward the end of the day, some things didn’t go right and I was tired and I started feeling cold and lonely inside.  Do you know that feeling?

After work, I went to the gym and then to Michael’s.  My debit card was declined at Michael’s.  Talk about deja vu and PTSD!!!  (See post.)

It wasn’t his doing, though.  He has no access to this account.  The credit union had issued a new debit card and after a certain point, they automatically cancelled the previous card.  It’s all okay now.  But after I got in my van outside of Michael’s, I cried and cried and cried.

So, even though I was dreading going home – cold and tired and dark inside – I was thinking that it would be nice that he had warmed up left-overs again.

Of course, the thought also crossed my mind that because I actually wanted there to be warmed up left-overs waiting when I got home, then there wouldn’t be warmed up left-overs when I got home.

Can I call it or can I call it!?!?!

When I got home, nothing.  There weren’t warmed up left overs.  The oven wasn’t on.  The kitchen wasn’t warm from dinner heating.  Nothing.

I went into the bedroom and he said, hey.  I didn’t answer.

I called the credit union and got the debit card thing straightened out.

Then I asked him if he wasn’t eating dinner.

He said he was eating dinner and wanted to know if I was making dinner.

I told him that since he had warmed up left-overs every night this week and nothing was warmed up, I though maybe he hadn’t been planning to eat.

He said he was going to eat and wanted to know if I wanted him to warm up dinner.  I told him that I didn’t want to wait an hour to eat and that I would just eat it cold.

I went to get the turkey and dressing and mashed potatoes out of the fridge and he said …

… I’m only going to have tangerines for dinner since I ate so much lunch.

Maybe since he wasn’t actually going to eat left overs, he couldn’t be bothered to warm them up for me.

I ended up warming up my own turkey and dressing and potatoes in a pan after all.  It took a lot less time than baking it in the oven and I decided I did want it warm after all, since there was no warmth any where else.

Oh, and I ate way too much.  I hate that I do that – that I try to end the cold and ache and hunger and loneliness in the very pit of me by eating too much food.

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The Perfect Relationship

I came across an article the other day (click here for article) where the author was discussing the internet meme below.  She went on to share her view and she wrote her own poem of The Perfect Relationship, which I have copied below the internet meme.

I’m too tired to add my own thoughts at the moment, but both of these touched me.

perfect-relationship-meme updated

 

The Perfect Relationship

He works. She works.
They split the bills.
Each of them strives to be the best in their chosen careers.
He leaves her alone to her work.
She leaves him alone to his work.
At night, they relax together knowing each has contributed positively to the world.
She makes him a sandwich.
He gives her a back rub.
They joke about what their superhero names would be.
He tells her how amazing his friends are.
She tells him how amazing her friends are.
They talk about what they learned today.
They laugh together.
Then they have amazing sex.
Days off are spent outdoors together, playing games together or occasionally sitting on the couch being lazy.
They do stuff like:
Get coffee and have in-depth discussions on how to raise the love quotient in the world.
Eat together at restaurants that have a cool atmosphere.
Go mini-golfing.
Go to the movies.
She surprises him with an occasional blowjob in the morning
And he responds by going down on her and fixing her breakfast.
They open their hearts to each other by always being vulnerable, open and honest.
They take care of each other by accepting they are both different people and honoring each others’ given purpose.
They respect one another by never cheating.
They never judge one another nor get jealous.
They trust each other.
Sometimes they fight, but these fights strengthen and grow their relationship because they stand solidly in their commitment.
They’re a team.
A two-person union supported by those they love and who love them back.
It’s them looking out at the world together and asking, “How can we serve?”

~ by Kari Cowell

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I can’t see beyond this

I can’t see beyond this.

I can’t see anyone loving me.

I can’t see having a house that isn’t dilapidated.

I can’t see not struggling with depression.

I can’t see having a job that is more fulfilling for me.

I want these things for myself but I can’t even visualize them.  I don’t even know what they would look like.

All I see is not being lovable, not being worth a nicer dwelling, stuck as a receptionist.  I can’t see beyond that.  I don’t know how to get beyond these things, to even see that maybe I have a chance at them.

I saw a quote a while back that said, “Nothing lasts forever – not even your troubles.”  I’d like to believe that.  But all I can see is being stuck here forever.

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Thanksgiving Day

Thank you to all of you for reading my blog.

I started my blog – three years ago today! – to unburden my thoughts and emotions here rather than constantly unburdening them to my very sweet, kind, patient brother.

I never expected to have the followers that I have nor find the friends that I have found here along the way.

And I never expected to receive the comments, encouragements, and shared experiences that I have.  They have been especially beautiful to me.

Wherever you are today, whatever you are doing, please know that you are on my “thankful for” list!!!

My brother and his family will arrive sometime this morning to share in our annual feast.  One of my sisters and her family arrived yesterday and will stay until tomorrow.  She and my younger daughter helped with preparations yesterday and will continue to do so today.

I’ve already got the turkey in the oven after brining it all  night; it’s going to be yummy!!!

There will be eight cousins here today.  They love playing together!  Well, my daughter doesn’t play with them, since she is a little older, but she loves her aunts and uncles and cousins.  And the “in-laws” blend in so much that they aren’t “in-laws” at all, but only family. It all makes for a very wonderful time for everyone.

Happy Thanksgiving to you!

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged | 6 Comments

this is beautiful…

(The poem below was posted on the blog of Dr Bill Wooten.  Click here for original post.)

Self- Observation Without Judgment

Release the harsh and pointed inner
voice. it’s just a throwback to the past,
and holds no truth about this moment.

Let go of self-judgment, the old,
learned ways of beating yourself up
for each imagined inadequacy.

Allow the dialogue within the mind
to grow friendlier, and quiet. Shift
out of inner criticism and life
suddenly looks very different.

i can say this only because I make
the choice a hundred times a day to release the voice that refuses to
acknowledge the real me.

What’s needed here isn’t more prodding toward perfection, but
intimacy – seeing clearly, and
embracing what I see.

Love, not judgment, sows the
seeds of tranquility and change.

~ Danna Faulds From “One Soul”

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