Immaturity

Last night I asked him if it ever felt like to him that we had nothing between us.  He said, sometimes.  Then he did the usual, I want things to be different, I want us to do things together, I want us to have sex, etc.  I told him that he seems completely oblivious to the things that are majorly wrong in our family.  He said he wasn’t oblivious, that he just didn’t know what to do.

I told him that I didn’t feel connected to him.  He said he wanted us to go to the botanical gardens and we could spend time together and talk, but it was too cold.  I asked him what we would talk about.  He said, the plants.

How do you explain to someone how to have a deeper,  more intimate connection if they don’t see it???

I know I don’t have much to have to add to the “conversation,” whatever the “conversation” may be at the moment.  Last night, I told him we didn’t have anything in common.  He said we would  have to find something to do together.

I don’t know.  Maybe after being with each other for more than twenty-five years, there just isn’t anything meaningful to talk about.

Since I’m not working right now, he gets up earlier than I do.  He watches the news while he eats breakfast.   So when he came back into the bedroom this morning, he told me about a couple of the people who had won Oscars.  Then he brushed his teeth and answered a phone call.  When he came to tell me bye, he asked me what I was going to do today.  I told him that I was going to go get my eyes checked.  Then he said that he needed to get his eyes checked, that his mom said  he would need to get bifocals, because she got bifocals when she was forty.  And then he told me all about why he didn’t need bifocals.

I’m sorry.  Did you hear anything about me in any of the above “conversation?”  I don’t mean to sound selfish here, but I really do not feel that he is that interested in me.  Yeah, he doesn’t know what to say, what to do.   Yes, he asked me what I was going to do today.  But immediately it became about him again.  It’s always about him.

And there’s never any mention of the discussion of the previous night about the emptiness of the marriage.  Never.  Did it even happen?

Years ago, I used to joke about having three children.  (I only have two.)  I didn’t realize how close to the truth I was.

In the book, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?,” there is a short questionnaire to help you to “know whether your partner’s immaturity is just immaturity, or whether it’s a symptom of one of these more challenging underlying problems.”  This book address the issues of abusiveness, immaturity, addiction, and mental health problems.

My answers?  One pointed towards abusiveness, three pointed toward immaturity, and three pointed toward mental health issues. (That book doesn’t mention passive aggressive behavior at all in any of its discussions, but from my own research, passive aggressive behavior definitely falls into the immaturity/mental health categories.  And covert abuse.)

I did appreciate it that the book said the following:  “A woman can underestimate the difficulty of her circumstances by thinking, ‘Oh, he’s just immature, it’s all going to be okay.’  The reality is that living with a chronically immature partner can take a great toll on you, and the years can slip away as you try to get him to grow up.  We want to see you in the life that you deserve, and don’t want you to sell yourself short.  You have just as much of a place with us in the process that this book teaches as the woman who is involved with an alcoholic, or a combat veteran, or a violent rager, …”

Sometimes I feel guilty about “complaining” about my life on this blog when I KNOW that so many women have it so much worse than I do.  I guess my blog is an outlet for me.  And hopefully one day I will get my life sorted out and I will be able to write about good things happening in my life.

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5 Responses to Immaturity

  1. Please don’t feel guilty about complaining on your blog! We all decided to follow you because we like what you have to say. Our blogs are where we go to share the things on our minds. I say many things on my blog that are completely inappropriate for any other setting because I need to get it out. :) It’s not about who has it worse. What you are feeling is true and valid and I thank you for sharing!

    • Thank you. My blog is my place to vent. I used to lay it all on my poor brother, but I decided it wasn’t fair to always burden him with my struggles so I started my blog. Thank you so much for your comment and encouragement – I really appreciate it! :)

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