I sure could use a friend today

I sure could use a friend today.  Someone who gets it, who really cares.  Someone who might possibly know the right things to say.  Who would hold me and comfort me.

I woke up so depressed this morning.

I had a wonderful dream last night.  I dreamed Someone (I’ve blogged about him) liked me, really liked me and wanted to be with me.  I felt so warm and desired.  It was such a good feeling. 

And then I woke up feeling so incredibly depressed.  And of course, my real life is nothing like my dream.

I feel like I will never get out of all of this.  (How many times have I written that????)

I applied for a job weeks ago that I really, really, really want.  I got a first interview, but haven’t heard yet whether I will get a second interview.  Sometimes I believe it’s possible that I could get the job and other times I’m scared to death that I won’t get it.  I want it so badly.  The job seems so good for me in several different ways and I know I would be good at it.  I’m trying to be patient and not be discouraged and just take what comes bravely, but I’m still scared. 

Anyhow, it would be nice to have a friend today.

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44 Responses to I sure could use a friend today

  1. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes and let it out. Its all going to be alright. This is a shitty time in your life, but it won’t last forever. As they say, This too shall pass.
    Things happen in their own time, not our time, unfortunately…just hang in there and keep your thoughts positive. I’m thinking of you!

    • Thank you. I really appreciate your encouragement. I do need to breathe more. I get down on myself and discouraged way too much! Yes, things will change….

      • Being in a relationship that makes you forget how to think and act for yourself is the worst. I’ve been there. Sometimes it seems there is no way out, no way up, no way for anything to ever change. You’re being abused. He’s made you unable to make decisions. He’s made you forget that your happiness is just as important as his. He’s made you question what happiness even means anymore.
        Don’t get too down on yourself if you can. Dharmagoddess is right – small steps count. Action is difficult, but its the only way to feel differently than you do right now.
        You’ll get there :)

      • @lookingforward2012 – outstanding description of what really goes on in these types of relationships!

  2. “I feel like I will never get out of all of this. (How many times have I written that????)” I feel the same way – often. Too often.

    It’s OK to feel afraid. It’s normal. If you didn’t feel any apprehension at all then there would be cause for worry. Fear can be debilitating. I should know. After awhile though, I get tired of being afraid. I get tired of saying the same things over and over. I get tired of the whole thing. For me, this individual fatigue process is where the fear erodes. And then I decide. And then I act.

    I respectfully disagree somewhat with my friend @lookingforward2012 in that waiting for the right time when one is overcome with ambivalence – or stuckness – can contribute to hopelessness, depression, and anxiety. There will be no perfect time. I’ve waited and waited for it. In my case, I keep going round and round and round, only to arrive at the same conclusion every time. Eventually it comes down to deciding and acting. [having trouble with that last part…] On the other hand, forcing things prematurely can come to no good end. To avoid more damage, our goal is to be careful and consider all the issues that must be considered. Somewhere in there is balance. Perhaps @lookingforward2012 and I are saying the same thing, but my point is grounded in the importance of not letting our lives pass us by for the sake of being stuck ad infinitum.

    Looking back, I see where I have put together a plan (e.g., the controlled separation agreement I wrote a few weeks ago) has facilitated my feeling of empowerment. Today I will get back to the plan and refine it a bit more. Otherwise, stuck ad infinitum will become my name. Yuck.

    Hang in there and work on your plan. It doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to be complete. Small steps count.

    • Sometimes it’s hard for me to know when to do something and when to be patient! And it is hard for me to be patient. I want things to happen now! I want it done already! I think I need to focus more on what I can do and what is happening – at least I have a job! – rather than what I can’t do and isn’t happening. I do have plans and goals, but I think I need to have patience too, and belief that it will work out in the right time. Thank you for your encouragement!

      • Ah, wanting things to happen now and having to be patient is sooooooo tough! For me the difficulty is always in balancing patience with being precipitous. It seems that I err on the side of patience and end up getting taken advantage of in the process. [uh, ok, I’m learning…]

        Small steps…stay strong!

  3. Nicole H says:

    Hi! I read your blog daily and am in sort of the same situation. I got involved with my NARC/PAA husband when I was 18 and he was 10 years older. I had no self esteem and had a rough time with my own Dad. So I was starving for attention. He picked up on that and groomed me well for many years. We are still married and I am much more aware of his behavior and have built up my own self esteem with my career and being a Mom. We don’t divorce, although it would be great to live alone, becuase we have an 11 year old daughter who doesn’t want to be disrupted with two homes and so forth. He is a good Dad (not great) and is very involved with his daughter. So that is good. Anyway, I’m educating myself alot now on his behavior so I don’t blame myself anymore. I don’t feel bad when I go see my friends, he is a big boy and can take care of himself! Lol. I’m also like you in that for once I would like to come home from work and have dinner already made, just because. I guess it will never happen!! He makes excuses why he didn’t start dinner.
    Anyway, I’m writing you about the interview. I know you are anxious to hear something. Did you follow up the interview with a call or email stating that you appreciated the opportunity to interview and are very much interested in teh job? Usually then they will let you know when they plan on making time for a second interview. Just helps give you some idea. And you made contact with them.

  4. Sofia Leo says:

    Small steps do count, so long as they are in the right direction. Sending love and light your way. You’re not alone.

  5. mourninglight says:

    When I’m struggling on a day like that, often the most helpful thing for me is to examine what viable choices I have right now (today) to care for myself, to make progress, to encourage or help someone else etc. Pick one, and then just do it. Then another if you can, etc. On some really horrible days, when I felt like a worthless eater that could slide out of the world without much of a ripple, I’d do something as simple as get a drink of water. The key was to do it mindfully, proactively, and purposefully. I’d make it a choice that meant taking care of myself. The only way I’ve found to fight the quiet, gray slide into the abyss of dull despair is to make a choice that I can actually act on NOW.

    And connect with a safe person if possible. The thing I’ve found is that it’s so horribly difficult to nigh impossible to explain passive aggressive to someone who is not PARTNERED with a passive aggressive. A passive aggressive often has a charming, funny and attractive personality, and is capable of behaving in caring ways. This is what a non-partner typically sees and experiences. The partner of a p.a. is the recipient of the inevitable push pull, and the covert implacable resentment that is disguised as a falsely benign passivity. A p.a. is seldom openly resentful, and overtly communicating resentment isn’t necessary when simply withholding touch and intimacy can devastate their partner with no trail of accountability leading back to them.

    A passive aggressive spouse is capable of walking into a bedroom night after night as a pleasant roommate, of using a friendly voice to say goodnight. Only the woman who lives ‘alone with’ him knows the pain of the sterile void of platonic where intimate relationship is supposed to be. A p.a. spouse can be in conversation in the bedroom with you, touching your skin in a place or way that should be intimate, where you imagine a man would show the smallest sign of arousal, and yet seem as though he’s petting a dog. You lay there and wonder how resistable and unattractive you are, and once more the feeling of not being enough to be wanted and loved seeps into the marrow of your bones. This is a humiliating pain that occurs behind view, a private pain that confuses and numbs a soul with despair and shame. A pain that moves to the edge of the bed while the soul tries to curl up and find comfort, to find a reason to want to wake up the next day.

    I used the carbon monoxide analogy in another post to your blog. To a person who has never heard of such a thing, they would have to take it on blind faith (in me initially) that such an invisible, odorless but toxic thing existed, particularly as I’d be doubting myself whether or not it was real. On a bad day, I feel that I’m the problem. On a bad day, I feel that I’m deficient and incapable of a healthy relationship and life.

    There is an extremely private part of me that is wide eyed with a kind of astonishment that I’m posting intimate feelings and parts of my life and soul to total strangers on an unsafe very unprivate internet. Yet I can’t not hear the pain in all the voices and not want to turn over the rock hiding something that needs exposure to light, even if it means turning over the rock in my own life. If I could, I’d gather us all into a big girl party with healthy snacks, fun uplifting music, a great comedy chick flick, and laugh some hours away. And no one would have to explain why we’re part of insanity, because the hugs of understanding are there when needed.

    • In Al-Anon, they used to say, do the next right thing. Sometimes for me that was starting a load of laundry! I’ve done something! I guess I need to take that principle to work, so when I am feeling so anxious, I can focus on something else.
      Yes, someone who has not had dealings with a PA person has NO CLUE what it is like!!! It’s like an alternate reality! And you express very well what it is like to be with a PA.
      You know, I feel safer blogging anonymously on the internet than I do talking about it to people I know! Most of the people who read and comment on my blog get what I am talking about in a way that others don’t. Here I find compassion and encouragement, where I have met with condemnation and criticism from those who simply have no idea about the destruction of passive aggressive behavior.

    • Jwhowhat says:

      I read your posts this week with pain in my soul for you. I am SO sorry you didn’t get the job you applied for. BUT it has been my experience that this kind of thing very often leads to something
      Better. Hold to that ok? Know that those of us reading your blog u d’état and and feel your pain. Really

  6. Karen says:

    I just wanted to say I think you are so close to getting out. You are working and exploring options for better jobs. Maybe the one you haven’t heard from isn’t as great as you have built it up to be. Or maybe you just need to follow up on it and give them a nudge. Your kids are grown and on their way to being independent. So you will have fewer reasons to stay. Maybe at some point staying with one of your daughters will be a stepping stone to being on your own. Use this time to get ready. Start whittling down some of the excess you have in the house to make a move easier. Research healthy relationships so you will be better prepared when you are able to start a new relationship. And know that you do have a lot of friends who understand what you are going through. We are going through it too and so appreciate your starting this blog. I look forward to it every day now. We just all live too far apart to have a cup of coffee but we are here for you. You will get out. You are so close. I know you will. Don’t settle for this.

  7. Karen ~ thank you so much for this encouragement! It was a good thing for me to read first thing this morning! :}

  8. mixedemotions says:

    Goodness do I understand you!!! here’s the thing, if you are dreaming and thinking about having someone loving in your life, you are going to eventually attract such a person to your life. You do have to let go, it will come and you will find the way to get out. Every day I think about it too, I think about having someone amazing and kind and loving and strong in my life. I know it’s going to be happen, thing is, it’s hard to be patient and wait for it. In the meantime, I’m working on me and you should too. July has been a strange eye opening month for me same with the beginning of August, little bits of clarity is coming into my life and the picture is getting much much clearer. I hope too that soon I can feel free to be myself and explore other possible relationships. By the way, you do have friends!! all of us here reading you everyday, living the same darn thing you are. You are not alone my dear, not at all…

  9. mourninglight says:

    I wish there was a seminar/convention we could all attend, with lectures, funny skits, and lots of bonding support time. Naturally, most of us would probably arrive demoralized from navigating sabotage to attend or enjoy ourselves, but fairly sure we could summon dark humor to dispel that.

  10. mourninglight says:

    I used to feel much more concern and anxiety about how others didn’t ‘get it’. I was so confused, so full of doubt, that I wanted significant people in my life to see what I saw, feel what I felt, and spell it all out for me to drive away the fog I lived in. I still want that to some degree, but now, after all these years, I’m more inclined to say ‘Enjoy’ (meaning enjoy the relationship with him) whether it’s to another woman taking my place, or to kids, siblings, friends, acquaintances etc. I’m focusing on whether or not this works for me, and how it affects my health and ability to survive or thrive.

    One thing I didn’t communicate in previous posts to your blog, was that I’m a Christian. I’ve been a SAHM, home schooling, and still have minor kids. It has been hellish and brain numbing to try to communicate the spiritual damage and devastation I’ve experienced to other believers. Most will focus on saving the marriage, whether or not a life is destroyed and any hope of that life bearing testimony to the Creator is decimated with it. I struggled for years with my own relationship with God because I wondered if I was being punished, a life sentence if you will. I cried, prayed, cried, and prayed. Searched the Scriptures, cried and prayed more. I existed believing that if I loved him unconditionally, that love would overcome the resentment and empty space where relationship belonged. I was asked, I was told (by my sister), to have more faith for my marriage. I was on my face on the floor asking for that faith. I read books, went to couple’s counseling, and individual therapy. I continued to erode emotionally, spiritually and my heath continued to decline.

    Miraculously, He held on to me when I could no longer hold on to Him, and now I’m finding that space of grace to be in relationship with Him again. For the first time in years, I actually want to read my Bible, and enjoy reading it. My husband is a professing believer, and since I’m not his judge or omniscient, I can only say that despite what he is or is not, the damage occurs. I’m taking steps to find the peace that I hope independent and separate space could give, with much stumbling, fear, trepidation and flickers of hope.

    • mixedemotions says:

      I did the same as you, prayed, cried, prayed, pleaded to God to give me patience and to open my husband’s eyes to what he was doing to me and to our children. Sometimes I felt that He was answering me. I too am Christian, and when I married I took my vows very seriously and I married knowing full well how my husband was and knowing full well that God expected me (according to the Bible) to stand by my man. I foolishly thought that my husband would “mellow” out with age and that he would grow up and he would get more wisdom. I had no idea at the time that he was PA, I only found that out a few years ago, the whole time I thought “if only I loved him better, if only I was a better wife, if only I could make him see how much he means to me” but I didn’t count on my love for him getting eroded due to consistant verbal put downs, mind games, crazy making behaviour and turning tables. I “survived” because of my faith in God but I paid the price with my lack of self-esteem, my health issues and my integrity. I found myself again recently and glad I did. I’m getting back to me to the core. It’s amazing to have found my voice again and myself again. I like me surprisingly!! I wish I was strong enough to leave, in the meantime, I’m still working on me. I thank God that I found this blog and all of the people in it, you gals keep me string.

    • Liz says:

      Mourninglight, thank you for sharing your beautiful, though painful at times, thoughts and wisdom.
      We are suffering a spiritual crisis when we are abused. Abuse makes us constantly doubt our worthiness and when we doubt our worthiness, we are doubting our Divine nature. You are doing well by practicing your faith in G-d every day. Just remember that G-d does not live outside of you. You contain all His wisdom and love but you must nurture it , respect it and protect it by making choices each day that honor your well-being despite the adversity before you. This is not easy for anyone.

      Every morning I read two books by Norman Vincent Peale, ‘ The Power of Positive Thinking’. Here’s a really good video to watch if you’re interested: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XD-TeoOFoHQ

      Wanting validation from others is natural. We all want to feel understood, we all need compassion and empathy at times. But, the reality is that not everyone is capable of providing those things but, Mourninglight, you don’t need anyone to validate your pain. You are special and unique and worthy of feeling any way that you do. Again, no need to look outside yourself for validation. Your suffering is real and worthy of being acknowledged even though many may dismiss it- probably because they simply cannot understand the true nature of your despair.

      Our health, especially a woman’s health will suffer greatly when our spirit is being stifled and oppressed. Stress and depression cause unhealthy surges of hormones that can not only make us fat but that become toxins in our bodies. In 05 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. In 09, my husband’s sister died from uterine and ovarian cancer that spread like wildfire through her body. It killed her in less than 2 months. My husband’s mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year. I did some other family research and discovered 5 more women who had died from female reproductive diseases in his family. The abuse courses through the veins of my husband’s family and it’s their best kept secret. They are devout Christians and yet they live a lie/in denial every day of what causes these illnesses and they allow everyone to die in vain without ever seeking greater wisdom or self improvement. Am I next? Denial is the selfish act of protecting oneself without any concern for others. It’s the coward’s way of coping with life and not a single person in my husband’s family cares about the well-being of the others. Sadly, when I was diagnosed, I didn’t care if I died. I thought it was the only way out of this misery. I refused conventional treatments and decided to let life and death evolve naturally. My doctor told me that when a woman’s creativity and authentic nature is being stifled, her reproductive system will often become diseased with fibroids, cancer and other problems. He told me to do something good for myself, give it all I have and that he believed something or someone in my life was preventing me from creative expression. He didn’t know about my marriage. So, I decided that I wanted to learn to play violin before I died. I wanted to learn just one song and I did. I’ve now learned hundreds of songs and I’m not dead yet.

      Of course, my husband hates that I play and he has made my life a living hell by trying to prevent me from playing/studying or attending lessons. He hates when I write, he hates when I do anything for myself and uses those things against me all the time…but oh well. I see him as a force of evil that is always in a state of opposing me and all that is good in this world and I don’t give the devil his due. This is not a healthy way to live at all and I know that if I don’t get out of here, I will die in this hell just like all the others in my husband’s family. My health is still suffering. I’ve developed TMJ disorder, painful joints, pain all over my body at times, exhaustion, depression, weight gain and most recently, pelvic prolapse ( the bottom is falling out of my life). We must find a way to rid ourselves of toxic relationships that prevent us from reaping all the joy and good things in life that we deserve. You must take care of yourself , for yourself and for your children. The body never lies.

      ” Frequently, physical illnesses are the body’s response to permanent disregard of its vital functions. One of our most vital functions is an ability to listen to the true story of our lives”…….Alice Miller ( Alice wrote the book, ‘ The body Never LIes’)

      Peace and Love to you

  11. mixedemotions says:

    I meant strong!! lolll

  12. I am so confused. Went to therapy and I further away from what I thought in my mind was savable to thinking is it worth it. In therapy he managed to pull off that he is serious, he wants to change because he knows it is killing me when he behaves the way he does. Said something’s that doesn’t add up to his actions. I believe I need to start writing again and do what you are doing because once I start having faith everything is going good something else starts being chaos. Even yesterday I was sharing with the therapist that I have the responsibility of everything getting done around the house. She come out and said, “well you must be good at that?” I said just because someone is good at something doesn’t mean it is their responsibility all the time does it. (((Come on man.))) I have been depressed for days!!! There is more I can say but it would just be considered me playing a victim again and I call it talking, conversation, getting out feelings. Who would of thought if you start out with I than you it would be such a big deal when your talking about feelings. I was corrected seriously 5x when I spoke up…. to add in what he left out intentionally, left out cause he forgotten or did purposely. EXAMPLE: One time I had a surgery, I felt like he didn’t actually want to be burdened with me and my surgery. I asked him when I was preparing for it, if he could help me recover from it. He said in a twisted kind of way back to me, If you want me too. (((What))) What the hell is that? Anyways I said, yes I want you too. (((Later it dawned on me and I remembered… when I asked him he said “If you want me too”. I was #1) in shock #2) who does that and why would they act like that and never mind we was married for so long anyways I should just know he’s gonna help me and look out for my best interest. So after I had my surgery. Laid up in hospital after, I sensed something but didn’t know what it was but I had this overwhelming thought, feeling of bothering some to ask him, “Are you sure you want to take this on? (((What… what the hell just made me think this or even ask him that))) He said yea and nothing else after. Which made me want to test this bizarre behavior from my husband? I said I can go and see if they can find a place for me to go. (((Which I highly thought was impossible to find a place in such a spur of the moment thing. Nope, he had them drawl up the papers and in a few moments I was told I was going to go to ___________ __________ nursing home for my recovery. ((( It crushed me, here I am, out of surgery, recovering the next day and going to be shipped to the nursing home to recover.))) It gets worse, when I arrived at the nursing home they did not have no meds ready for me, my husband stayed with me for awhile but had to go home. Why, he used the kids and work but yet I still had no meds. ((( Talk about pain full!))) So of course he left me. Me I am still wondering why he left, what did I do wrong, and of course I would never have left him like this…. why is he doing this to me? Well it came about 10pm, still no pain meds, sleeping pills or anything. I called my husband crying my eyes out telling him that they haven’t got me my meds, I feel like I am dyeing and he tells me that he is going to call them and make sure they give me something. (((Hello, I can not believe you haven’t by now))) He calls me back and says they will be getting it to me shortly. (((( What? What the hell???? Why are you not helping me? I literally, I felt like he was being abusive to me. Who leaves a person they love in a nursing home, without any meds alone to defend by their selves? Then, I remember not him, he loves me to much to do this to me, something else has to be going on, I convinced myself.))) So as I cry and asked him why are you not coming up here to sit with me until they get them to me? He said I am in bed, I have to work in the morning. I can’t babe. I wish I could and kids have school. I was hurt, living with in pain from my surgery and the mental anguish he was doing to me. The next day my girlfriend came up with her husband…. they was going to take me home with me. My husband was pissed, he wanted to take me home and care for me. How confusing is that? Don’t want to be up there with me but wants to be the one who brought me home. I did end up going home with him. My girlfriend told me months after that she doesn’t feel he loves me, she doesn’t know what or how yet, how to put it in words but in her eyes, no one should treat their wife like he did/does to me. She said it was a sad day for her because she has been losing the respect she has had for him to respecting him because he is my husband and the kids father to none at all.

    None of this made since at the time when that and many, many, things he has chosen to do to me that has affected other people who I love dearly. I just learned about passive-aggressive behavior and I am sadden because things that was making me crazy I am seeing how twisted things can and will get. I let him in my life because I love him and as I keep trying to get a head it is harder and harder because he will not do what he says he is going to do but acts like he is going to do it. It is a cycle I am starting to be aware of but getting it to where he does what he says he is gonna do verses what I am willing to go through, put up with, and being hurt for one thing over another thing. You are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. What do you do???

    • Liz says:

      Your story is so familiar to me. I went through the same thing with my husband when I had cancer.
      You’re right….you’re always damned if you do or don’t and honey, that’s the way it will always be as long as you are with this man. I won’t even flatter him by calling him a husband!
      So here is the thing……it takes two to tango and in an abusive relationship there is the abuser and there is the enabler/victim. He isn’t going to change and you shouldn’t expect him to. He is what he is. You on the other hand can use this relationship experience to learn about yourself, to get stronger and wiser so that you can move on one day and when you do, you will be ready for a healthy relationship with someone else if that is what you desire.
      I can’t tell you enough that in the case of your husband, hoping he will change is unrealistic. The longer you stay, the more abuse you will learn to tolerate. I tell you this from experience. I have been abused for so long that I don’t think I am fit to have any relationship with a man ever again. I have too much distrust, anxiety and trauma that cause me horrible anxiety when I’m around other people.

      • OneDayAtaTime says:

        http://voices.yahoo.com/the-passive-aggressive-husband-you-7008448.html?cat=5

        I am still amazed about this P/A abuse, to me as I read and what I have been living is a real mess and it is just to big for me to take care of. This article is very good and what I like about it is you can click on different words and it has possible ways to deal with that something if you need another out look, help or information: http://voices.yahoo.com/the-passive-aggressive-husband-you-7008448.html?cat=5

        Thank you Liz and I can not believe that people do not ever talk about P/A. We have been to a lot of marriage counseling and never ever heard of this….. ever! I am a nervous wreak but I never dreamed that even the little thing that I though was little is giving my nervousness gasoline to keep it fueled. It is just not wrapping up in my head and it’s probable the way I feel, look, read and try and live to my Lord Jesus Christ but I could be looking at that wrong now. How I thought he was helping me… I thought man… he is a good guy. He some how conveniences me that he is doing his part. If and when I feel as if he is not I say something to him. All of a sudden we are disputing it or I didn’t make myself clear enough or I didn’t what you wanted me to do with it so I waited til you come home to tell me or the I forgot.

        Now I am looking at everything just in ah, what the hell, all these years I wasn’t crazy and everyone else thought I was going crazy. If I showed this to some of my family, friend or Nabors’s I still don’t know if they would believe there really is an abuse called P/A’s. If you haven’t lived through it I can see how some would think no way, that really doesn’t happen, that girl is way to smart and would never let anything like that happen in her home. I did, I am embarrassed now and I am still in my aha moment and still my mind is playing tricks on me saying that man loves you, he has problems, I have problems, everyone has issues. Just pick yourself back up and carry on, it will get better. No way did I marry someone who would play them awful head twisting games on purpose. No way………………….

        Now this is crazy making stuff! Unbelievable…. I am sure to those who have never heard of it or experienced it. I can’t hardly see it until he hits that spot when he makes few promises and then I make some to him and his are half done, or I have to re-do it, he takes to long, or has to have it as a we thing instead of a him thing. Then it breaks me down then I confront him, it turns into a cycle all over again. And here I am still hopeful. Crazy making for sure!

      • Liz says:

        One of the best articles I’ve ever read online: http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm

        I actually wrote the author personally because I was so desperate for support but she wasn’t very helpful at all.

        Years ago my therapist at the time said, ‘ OH, your husband is passive aggressive!” as if it was no big deal and in the tone of ‘ oh your husband has blonde hair’. I asked her to explain it to me and she did but she never explained to me how dangerous it was. Most recently, about 3 years ago, I went to a therapist at a Christian counseling center and the woman was incredibly insightful and she explained it all to me and how PA manifests with some other personality disorder like Borderline and Narcissism and Psychopathy. She told me that she was very concerned about my safety and financial security. I didn’t believe that my husband would actually physically harm me in any way but I was wrong. After all, they don’t consciously do anything to hurt us. Everything evil that they do is subconscious and comes from repressed anger that they deny. They are possessed by the devil in my opinion. My husband poisoned me with a pesticide last year and that was the final straw for me. He could have killed me and one of my dogs. I would never let my husband work on my car for fear that he might just ‘ accidentally’ forget to put that very important part back on which would cause me to crash or break down on the road. I’m terrified that he will accidentally burn our house down, kill my dogs or injure me in some other way.

        There’s no doubt there is an angel in my life that protects me. I truly believe that. It’s like I get a thought in my head about checking something and sure enough, upon checking, I discover that he’s done something that could have harmed us.

        As a spiritual person, I understand the confusion that you may feel about caring for others including your husband, the importance of forgiveness, how we’ve been taught to take the high road and not allow others to cause us to lose our spiritual integrity. However, we’re not dealing with the average Joe. Even G-d would not approve of us tolerating abuse. When our husbands are abusing us, they are also abusing G-d. Keep the Faith and always remember who truly loves you. Don’t give the devil any part of your attention.

  13. mourninglight says:

    For any who have struggled with their personal faith and relationship as believers to process what is true and what is right regarding their marriages, I found this site extremely helpful and encouraging: http://cryingoutforjustice.wordpress.com/author/jeffcrippen/

    Thank you, Mixed, Liz and Writing About. Each day is a gift, it’s just that some days I have to turn within to see it in perspective. Mixed, it’s a terrible thing to lose yourself in bits and pieces, but it is wonderful to find those again, especially with new wisdom. I found I didn’t want all of myself back, at least not the parts that were unhealthy and contributed to losing who I really am. Liz, that book sounds fascinating. I’ve often used the expression ‘the body doesn’t lie’ and I do believe it. It was sad to read about your health issues, and I resonate and have many that I just never expected (when young and healthy) to deal with. I used to play the violin, and I love that you are now! I gave it up (another chapter in the p.a. stuff, but basically he’s never wanted me to have something that he didn’t have, which reminds me, has anyone else felt their spouse often absorbed their identity rather than have one of their own?) but as I read about your learning songs, I smiled and thought about trying it again. I have arthritis in my hands, so not sure how it would go after all these years.

    Writing About, I hope your week is taking a turn somehow. You’ve done an amazing job of chronicling and laying out the day to day infinitesimal pieces that put the slippery p.a. puzzle pieces into something that can be viewed as an actual picture. Even trying to write this response to your blog this morning, I’ve had an encounter and argument that I don’t know how to begin to even put into words! The fog and fatigue are like a maze I often get lost in. I’d like to record the details coherently so I could look back on it, but it’s like an immediate amnesia that happens sometimes.
    It’s difficult when you’re in the midst of it all, but I’m hoping some unexpected and hopeful thing has brightened your path. If I could plant a balloon in your path today, it would say You Are Lovable

    • Liz says:

      Thanks for the link Mourning.
      You should try to play violin again. I couldn’t live without my music! I also play guitar. I guess strings are my thing. I have developed horrible pain in my left arm though from playing. I can get into position but I can’t get out of position to put my violin down without screaming in pain. I think it may be ‘ tennis elbow’??? Have you ever had this? I’m currently using the Alexander Method for therapy.

      Arthritis is the result of immune disorder and immune disorder can most definitely be a result of being unhappy. Happiness makes us healthy. YES, read that book. Alice Miller has written several books about abuse. I believe she passed away but there is still a website for her.

      My faith in G-d has never faltered but my faith in myself has and it has caused me great shame in that I know I’m turning away from G-d in those moments- giving evil power. I feel I have let G-d down and all those before me who worked so hard to give me a better life than they had. I feel like a big fat loser most of the time. I imagine how sad G-d is that I am in this marriage and that I allowed myself to become such a victim and waste my valuable life with such a man. I want to be a victor, I want my life to have purpose and joy so that I have something to give back.

      BTW, I am not Christian, I am Jewish. My husband was raised Christian and I was too but I always knew I was Jewish ( even as a child) and I chose to convert several years ago. My dedication to my spiritual practice and religion poses another problem for me in that I don’t tell the truth to anyone about how I live and what my husband truly is. In my heart I know It should not matter what my husband is because I know that I should honor myself and G-d by leaving him. But I haven’t for economic and other financial reasons and so , I have isolated myself from good people in order to avoid lying about my circumstances. I only practice my religion at home now. I spend Shabbat by myself, no husband to bring me flowers in gratitude for all I do, no husband who puts his family first. It would mean so much to me to have a husband to share the joys of spirituality together. Ironically, my husband wanted to covert to Judaism last year ( probably because we had had an argument or some altercation) and I thought, ‘ oh boy, this definitely won’t work for him’. He would never show up for Shabbat or any other holiday or service. .

    • Liz says:

      Mourninglight, I just read your post again this morning and I wanted to answer one of your questions about spouses who absorb other people’s personalities, likes and dislikes, etc..
      You have made a very valid observation about your husband and PA people and yes, my husband does exactly as yours. He will even check to see what I’m wearing and match his clothes to mine. If I go to the store for anything, he must buy something for himself. Not that I bought anything for myself, it’s just that he interprets anything that I buy as being for me..even if it’s toilet paper. Many PA people have not developed their own personalities and seem to be in a state of constantly trying to create and assert themselves. My husband is like an impressionable tween. He adopts other people’s slang, rhetoric, clothing style, hobbies, etc.. He’s always attempting to create his identity by stealing others’ identity. I can always tell when he has a new friend.

      • mourninglight says:

        Yes! I’d love to see a blog about this, and also the responses to it.

      • Liz says:

        “NARCISSISTS ARE PEOPLE WHO never learned to make it on their own. Except for their fantasies of perfection, envy of others who have what they lack, and unacknowledged fears of humiliation, they are empty on the inside. They have no real Self to bring to a relationship with another person, but they desperately need someone else to join them in their emptiness and help them maintain emotional equilibrium. The ideal candidate is someone willing to become an extension of the Narcissist’s fragile ego, to serve as an object of admiration, contempt, or often enough both. The sign over their door ought to read: Abandon Self All Ye Who Enter Here.”

        http://www.echo.me.uk/npd4.htm

  14. (((Hugs))) to all. Your right so right everyone I know that I read about has distrust, anxiety and trauma that causes horrible anxiety when around other people. I was such a people person too. I trusted people and they trusted me. This is so unbelievable and I see how it could be too. I never knew how to put it or describe it or even at time I was the crazy making one. (At least I was not told that but things are coming to the surface and I hate and very embarrassed of what I am thinking. (This is one of my aha moments that put it in prospective for me, if a kid can do this then adult can really master it and make someone feel as if they are crazy, after watching this comment your aha moment)

    I am just thinking out loud but…
    What would happen to a relationship if a spouse would talk in confidents with the other one about a topic then he used what information he got out of you and use it against the other person? Examples:
    I was talking to him about how my daughter is not pulling her weight and she needs to start paying us back or working off what we gave her for money. He agrees. Later that evening my daughter goes into my prayer garden and while she is in it with gloves on she asks “which one are flowers and which ones are not.”

    I asked my husband “what is she doing and why is she asking that?”

    He said “I bought her a pack of cigarettes and she is going to pull the weeds in your prayer garden to pay me back.”

    I replied, “why would you give her a job to pay you back when you know she would be asking me what are flowers and what are weeds because you don’t know the difference either, why didn’t you give her a job that you could guide her through and made sure it was done right instead of me, you know I am not feeling good?”

    He said, “I thought we talked and you said she needs to start working to pay us back so I told her she could weed your prayer garden and pay it back that way.”

    I was frustrated #1 I knew right away that, that was so a P/A move, then I said out loud today isn’t a good day to pull weeds because I do not feel good and I went into the house. I laid down and yes woke up the next day and my perennials was pulled out and in the trash. I was so hurt, pissed somewhat and discussed.

    The thing is I said what happened in therapy and the councilor said well maybe you could of said it a different way and said get out of the prayer garden I do not want my weeds pulled.

    Really is this where America is going that good people have to rearrange there words for others to understand but what you was saying is still the same thing. This is where it gets me instead and probable others too. It would have mattered what I said. It was going to be a train wreck regardless. Instead of saying this you should have said this, If I want cream in my coffee, however someone puts it there I don’t care but it is common sense not to go to the bathroom and get the toothbrush out and scoop creamer out and stir it with the toothbrush don’t you think. P/A’s know to some agree that what they are doing but yet they don’t have to learn common since others have to learn how to “talk” to them because if we don’t we will have to live in hell for awhile. Wow I am totally floored still by all of this.

    • Liz says:

      Oh my gosh, that therapist of yours is not the right kind of therapist for PA abuse. Before I expand on that topic..let me just say that it seems that we have actually reached a turning point in our culture where rhetoric and syntax don’t seem to mean much of anything to anyone anymore. I heard they were even considering not teaching grammar in schools. Was listening to a show on NPR today about this very topic.

      Back to the topic of therapist. Years ago my husband I went to see a psychologist. When I told the therapist about him constantly leaving the gate open so the dogs would run away ( he was jealous of my dogs), how he would NOT deposit money that he said he would take to the bank and then overdraw our checking, how he would not mail the payments for our electric and such and how I would come home to electric being cut off and how we would leave the front door wide open when he left for work each morning, she said to me: ” well, put a lock on the gate so that you can open it for him anytime he needs to use it and you pay all the bills and handle the banking and get up every morning before him to make sure the door is closed when he leaves” I’m NOT JOKING!!!!! I knew she was nuts and just t as abusive as my husband. She wanted me to handle EVERYTHING and of course, my husband thought that she was just wonderful.

      The second therapist we went to was much more professional and wise. She kindly asked my husband to prepare a list of things that he could and would take accountability for that I didn’t have to get involved in. The next week he had no list. She asked him to just name ONE thing that he could take control of all by himself. My husband got angry, said that she hated him and was taking sides with me and never went back.

      C’est la vie with the PA man

  15. This belonged to my post about kids doing P/A stuff in school and these kids do grow up and become adults. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201307/the-passive-aggressive-conflict-cycle

    • Liz says:

      Holy cow. I couldn’t read the entire article, it made me sick to my stomach.. literally. I noticed at the end of the article there was mention of a book called, ‘ The Angry Smile’. Ironically, whenever I tell my husband that he’s full of repressed anger, my husband always mentions his almost constant grin/smile and how everyone knows him for his smile and that he’s not angry at all because he is always smiling. Yet, when I tell my husband how unhappy or depressed I am, he says, ‘ Yeah, do you ever think about how unhappy and depressed I am? Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m happy”. Jekyll and Hyde.

      I noticed one day that my husband apparently takes pictures of himself with his cell phone. The pictures look horrible and he looks so evil and mean. I thought, ‘ Where is his smile?” It was so disturbing to see these pictures but, at least they are an accurate reflection of his true spirit.
      There’s no question that my husband was not allowed to express his anger or other emotions. He grew up in a very patriarchal religious home where only the PA abusive father was in command. Emotions were either considered a sign of weakness or a form of dissent. There was little in depth communication and most communication involved the father telling everyone what to do- always a chore around the house. Ironcally, his PA father is an amateur photographer who is always taking posed photos of everyone ( smiling of course). Abusers and people from dysfunctional families often use photographs as a way to convince themselves and others that everyone is happy. “You were such a happy child and we were such a happy family. I don’t know why you would think otherwise, just look at the pictures of us. You’re the one with the problem, not us”.

  16. Tish says:

    friend here!!! we GET IT!!! trust us.

  17. Jwhowhat says:

    God you women are Amazing!! I consider myself a self-confident, strong woman who has learned to be that way. But you guys blow me away with your insights and posts. Mourning light, Liz, Trish and all you others astound me with the depth if your understanding. And all of you r right that No one who duznt live in one if these relationships can truly understand our pain and heartbreaks.
    I try to explain to my best friend, and she tries to understand, but I can tell that she does not. It’s very weird how that is. But it also isolates us so much.

    When I read your posts, I see my life. Unbelievable. I did not know until this summer what I had been living with for these 40 years. And you women understand more than Anyone in my life. How dies that happen? That true strangers can feel like soulmatez and people I would live to meet. And hug. And laugh and cry with. God bless the inter webs!

    I am so constantly alone emotionally except when my beloved college she daughter is home. She goes back to school in 2 weeks, and what u will miss the most is her unfailing good cheer and nature. Sure we fuss sometimes, but we (gasp!) talk it out like adults ! Who knew you could do that! Even my son, who us older but no longer lives at home, will talk out problems in an “adult@ way.

    I am do accustomed to NOT doing this with my PA husband that I forget this us what normal people do. I will be very lonely for a while after my d goes back to school. She went boarding school for high school, and u often wondered why I missed her so damn much. Now I realize that it was her friendliness and ease of relationship that I missed. I do not have that with her sad, who often (usually) is sullen, uncommunicative and unfriendly and fir do long made me feel like this is just what I should accept. NO more!!!

    On a great note, I heard this week again from the man with whom I had a sexual encounter a few months ago at a conference.
    He wants me to meet him in Chicago this week. I am Killed because u can’t go. But SO happy that he and I will continue to try to meet again. It is just sex. But it also is about me feeling like a sensual, desired, fully sexed woman. For the first time Ever! It us awesome! And so titillating. Even my best friend understands and gets that.

    This time last Sat nite, i was sitting on my deck drinking wine alone(as I am again tonite, despite asking my husband to come sir with me). But I feel a little vindicated because my one-time lover wants to “see” me. I use him. He uses me. Neither if us cares. As the song says. But he is so and sexy. I will NOT give this up without a fight.

    Anyway- gosh. I am do glad I found you all. You will help keep me sane over the fall and winter. And u want to help any of you who need support. Some day let’s meet! Really! Love to you all. Weekends can be hard. So hang in therw

  18. Jwhowhat says:

    SO sorry about all the typos. Hope my posts are not so hard to read cuz of my stupid fingers typing on my IPhone!

  19. mourninglight says:

    Jwhowhat, I think the inability for others to see, and our difficulty explaining, causes a big part of being isolated, and is why we doubt, doubt, doubt, and stay hooked, hopeful, stuck, and in a drained fog.

  20. Teresa says:

    I’m a Christian, and I don’t believe that this is what God wants for us! God LOVES us and because of that, I can’t accept that He wants us in an abusive relationship!!
    I just read book called “Married…but Lonely” by David E Clarke http://www.amazon.com/Married-But-Lonely-merely-existing-intimately/dp/1616386983/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376258049&sr=1-1&keywords=married+but+lonely

    Dr. Clarke believes that if my husband, a professing Christian, is NOT meeting my emotional needs, needs that GOD HIMSELF gave me, then he is not obeying scripture and is sinning against God!
    This book has really helped me to see that God is NOT ok with my emotional abuse at the hands of my husband, and that I’m NOT a terrible “sinner” when I stand up for myself and my needs!!

    I don’t know what my future holds…but I DO know who holds my future…and I won’t become a bitter, unhappy doormat in the name of Christ!!
    My PAH is not as bad as some that I’ve read about on here, he lets me spend money freely, (he tells everyone he “spoils” me….gag!) He wants sex ALL THE TIME, (I think that’s how he asserts control over me, because he knows I DON’T want sex)…..but emotionally I’m starving to death! And he’s had TWO emotional affairs with other women in our 25 yrs together…that I know about, I suppose there could be more. :/
    I discovered his last EA on Jan.1, 2011…..his cousin “outed” him accidently on her FB…the other woman was her best friend! Yes, he involved his two cousins in his affair!
    So now his whole family thinks I’m a terrible wife, because he told them that I’m not “affectionate” …..and it’s true, I’m not! But who the heck wants to be affectionate with a PA when all they do is act like freaking 5 yr old, who pouts and gives you the silent treatment when they don’t get their way?
    I’m so happy I found this blog….y’all are right, no one understands how horrible this is to live with! At church, my PAH is a charmer, always holding my hand, helping me with any project I take on (he doesn’t have his OWN projects at church, he just hangs on to my coat tails) He’s always talking and laughing with the guys…but at home, if I TRY to get him to open up and talk to me, give me the emotional support I so desperately need after his affair….forget it!
    All he does is argue with me, tell me that HE’S TRYNG but I just don’t see it!! Or that he can’t do anything right, that nothing he does is good enough for me!!!
    And then as the “good” Christian girl I was brought up to be, I start feeling guilty and thinking that maybe it IS me!! Augghhhh! But no more!!! After reading Married….but Lonely, I’ve realized that this life is NOT honoring to God…and I need to make some changes….because if not, I WILL become a bitter, old woman…..just like my mother in law….who is married to a PAH!!!!

    • Karen says:

      Dear Teresa, every word you say is true and feels like words I could say myself. Don’t waste your time feeling guilty or thinking he will ever change. They do act exactly like five year olds. The last time I tried to say anything to my husband the whole time I was talking he was saying blah blah blah so he couldn’t hear me. It isn’t worth wasting one more precious moment of our lives over. And you are right. This isn’t what God would want for us either.

    • Liz says:

      I’m a member of the ‘ Terrible Wive’s Club’ too. Like you though, i don’t care. It’s so easy to get caught up in feeling like a schmuck when others judge us so negatively and unfairly but logic stands to reason that anyone who doesn’t live with our husbands would have no ability to fairly assess our relationship. My mother in law, a devout Christian, has tolerated her husband for over 50 years and she is always trying to make excuses for her son/my husband AND her own husband. It’s intersting though that on the day of our marriage she said to me, ‘ Well, good. Now he’s your problem”. She always thought of my husband as a problem before he married me but after the marriage, he’s just a sweet guy who tries to do the right thing but can’t. There have been a few instances where I was having a nice conversation with my inlaws and my jealous husband would get really nasty and tell me to shut up and of course, his father just pretends not hear him and my mother in law would just look to the floor and change the subject really fast. Anymore, I don’t pretend to be happy or content with my husband at all. I’m civil most of the time when we’re in the company of others but I make absolutely no attempt to engage with him in conversation or allow him to be affectionate toward me ( which is somethng he ONLY does in the presence of others). If he tries to put his arm around me or around my waist, I quickly move. Yes, I don’t like being put in the position of having to defend my own worthiness by behaving this way and that’s just it…THEY have put us in this position. It’s a terrible abuse of anyone’s kindness.

      I found some emails that my husband has written to his friends and coworkers and he always refers to me as ‘ the wife’. He never refers to me by name, never affectionately or respectfully. I’m just THE wife.

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