mealtime

Every night that we eat dinner together,  my husband asks a blessing on the meal, prays before we eat.

He sounds so pious, so righteous.  I feel like such a hypocrite.  How dare we come together before God like this when our marriage is such a wretched mess.  I don’t even think God will hear these prayers ~ they seem so wrong to me.  While my husband is praying out loud, I am praying, crying inside that God will forgive me and will deliver me.

Tonight while my husband was praying before dinner, his cell phone rang.  It was the ringtone he has set for his dad.   My husband just kept praying.

I kept thinking, answer the phone! answer the phone! something could be wrong!!!

In case you don’t know, his mom has had bone cancer and is very frail.  His dad has had a stroke and can’t fully use his left side.

So, I keep thinking, there could be an emergency.  Surely God would understand if you need to interrupt a prayer to be sure your parents aren’t needing help in an emergency!

My husband kept praying.  By the time he finished, the phone stopped ringing.   I don’t know if he intended to call his dad  back or not, but I said, wasn’t that your dad?   So then he called his dad back.

His dad wanted him to take his mom to the emergency room!!!   My husband told him that he would, that he would be over to get her in a little bit.

In a little bit?  I was fuming!  My husband finished the phone call and started to eat his soup.  I asked him if he didn’t need to take his mom.  He said, it will take her a little while to get ready.  I’m thinking, well, go over there and see if she needs help!  Seriously!!!

Anyhow he finally went over to his parents’ house after he finished eating his dinner.

And then he came back about twenty minutes later.  She had decided that she didn’t want to spend the night in the emergency room and that she would go see her doctor the first thing in the morning.  Which I completely understand.  That’s fine.

But what gets me is my husband’s response.  I would say that he is kindest to his mom of everyone he knows, but he still seemed like he was distancing himself from his parents’ needs.

I don’t know.  Maybe I misread the whole thing.

But still….  I hope I never have to rely on him to get me to the emergency room!

~~~~~~~

I didn’t feel that great today.  I felt kind of depressed.  I felt kind of lonely.  I fought it all day long.  I tried to encourage myself that my life wouldn’t always be like this.

About twenty minutes before five, the sales rep stepped off the elevator.    A lady in my office was working with me, training me in something, so I wasn’t the only one at the front desk.  I think that if I had been alone up there that he probably would have stayed longer.   As it was, he still managed to be fun and flirty and made me smile.  I had felt so “hungry” all day long and, while seeing him for a couple of minutes was fun, it also made me feel even more hungry.  It was so frustrating.  Thankfully, when I got off work, I went to the gym and seriously pushed myself on the elliptical trainer.  That helped a little.

But I hate being so hungry all the time.

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11 Responses to mealtime

  1. Sofia Leo says:

    Again, I’m so sorry you’re living with such a dick. He had to finish his meal before going to see his Mom who wants to go to the hospital? I hope you never have to rely on him for anything life threatening.

  2. His actions should help you to see that he is the problem, not you. Keep going, you’ll get there :)

  3. mourninglight says:

    “While my husband is praying out loud, I am praying, crying inside that God will forgive me and will deliver me.”

    Yes.

    • The God I believe in would never judge so harshly and would look upon someone struggling in such a situation as doing the best they can with what they have. Therefore, I believe we should not judge ourselves so harshly and try to look at ourselves as Children of God who deserve love, compassion, and strength to do better each day.

      Using The Divine or religion as a weapon is twisted, but it happens all of the time. I believe that is a weakness of mankind that manifests through various types of control designed to increase power over another. It’s not Faith that is the problem: the problem is the humans who use it in nefarious ways.

      My God doesn’t judge you sweetheart, nor do I. As to the few who might, ignore them for they are not in your shoes.

  4. Jwhowhat says:

    God, what a miserable sh– he is. Not unlike mine, but maybe even worse. So many of these men have the emotional intelligence of toads! I know my H does. Last night, he was talking to his 91 year old mother on the phone and at one point told her that maybe he would go get her the day before Thanksgiving (she lives about 4 hours away) and then take her back the day after. Fine, that would be great cuz she is a lovely woman, and I would love to see her. She sounded pleased and maybe like she was gonna accept. But just seconds later, he told her that maybe he had some ballgames that week (he refs). He never actually said that those games might interfere with him coming to get her, but what would any sensible person think? That maybe they would, right?? She then sounded kinda iffy about coming…like she might be bothering him.

    When he got off the phone, I asked him why he would say such a thing. He pretended that he didn’t understand what I meant, and why shouldn’t he say that about the games! Well, for god’s sake, why would you???!!! What an idiot. If he meant something else by that, he shoulda told her! The man is an emotional infant – actually that is what our 21 year old daughter calls him sometimes when he displays this super clueless behavior and attitude.

    Yours is the same. Not a clue how to react to people and situations in ways that are cariing and real. God get you outa that relationship. Gurl, I don’t know why you stay – I know why I do for now. If it’s $$, I hope you can find a way to make your own way financially. But, not without an attorney!! :))

    And, do not for one second feeling guilty about flirting with another man, or needing attention from one. This is YOUR life, not your husband’s. You do not belong to him. Be your own heroine.

    Good luck.

    • wifeofpa says:

      ah yes the stupid act…. “what, it was a joke, I didn’t think it would hurt your feelings” or this one “I forgot, there must be something wrong with me because I forget everything!!” or this one is my favorite “I didn’t want to bother you with that, I know you’re very busy, very important”……….. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

  5. mixedemotions says:

    i know what you mean about praying for your salvation, I do that do, but I have to trust that God has layed out a plan for me to follow and that He is guiding me, and the fact that I’m still with my PAH is because that’s what it must be for the moment – I hope you get your answers soon my dear – I feel for you.

  6. Diane says:

    I have to put this out there. I am thinking that it wasn’t so much about his mom as it was about you. He was just stirring the pot to get a reaction out of you. Possibly info was conveyed to him that you didn’t hear and he knew how much time he had to get to his moms. In the mean time he used this opportunity to get a reaction out of you. Isn’t that what passive aggressiveness is? I have learned that I am not going to change anything by making a comment. Just be silent and let him do his thing. It’s his thing not yours. By reacting you are feeding the monster. You can say “I am sorry your mom isn’t feeling well.” That way he can’t accuse you of not caring but don’t tell him what he should do. He’s a big boy.

    • I see what you’re saying. But I do get really worried about his parents sometimes and the way he treats them sometimes. And I can’t just not say anything when I am concerned about someone’s life, possibly!!!

      • I agree with Diane’s premise. In letting go of my need to react to H’s drama, I found tremendous peace within myself. The first time was uber-difficult. After that, I made sure to articulate my concern [for whatever was at issue] along with my well-wishes for resolution. My *ego* was the problem here in thinking that I can/should not only react but act in response to whatever H’s drama may have been. Jeesh, that’s the whole reason we got to where we were in the first place! [Sometimes it takes me awhile…but when I get it, I get it. Normal.]

        None of the letting go makes any of us bad people. Yet, that’s the lie that some would really like to perpetuate because it is a mechanism of control via judgment. That’s their problem really.

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