email from him

I received this email from him this morning:

Some time ago we talked to someone who recommended that we read the book, Love and Respect. From that book I learned much, especially about the “crazy cycle”, that we have been on for some time now. Briefly lack of love from the husband produces lack of respect from the wife and it continues around and around in a crazy cycle. Part of the way that I have responded to you and treated you was because we were on the crazy cycle. Since reading that book, I have made a conscious effort to try and stop the crazy cycle by making an effort to be loving, regardless of what lack of respect you gave me. It is as you can imagine, very difficult to always respond in a loving way when the other person is mostly treating you in a disrespectful way.

In the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura has a message to unhappy wives like yourself. Men are not as complex as women are and do not think and operate in the same way that women do. One of the things that you seem to judge me harshly on is by misinterpreting everything that I do or don’t do and reading some other meaning into it to gripe about. That is from Dr. Laura’s book. For example, your notion that I’m a passive aggressive person who is out to do whatever you think my evil plans are. That is just wrong. Do you do all the things that you do that irritate me because you are passive aggressive?

You make it abundantly clear that you are a very unhappy person. News flash, I can’t make you to be a happy person. In her book, Dr. Laura says to women that happiness is a choice and if you want to be a happier person, just pick one thing from her book and start doing it for your husband. Then if you want more happiness, do more things. It is that simple, but we have to mess things up by making them much more complicated than they really are.

Now is a good time for us to make changes in our lives for the better.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged | 5 Comments

empty…

My heart is empty so I feed my belly chocolate.

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More of what I want…

There are a couple of things I’d like to add about my “happily ever after.”

(You can read my previous post here.)

I want him to be successful at his job, business, career, profession.

I want him to be willing and able to take care of things.  You know, like the clogged drain and the squeaky hinges and the burned out tail light bulbs on the vehicle.  You know, the things I take care of now.  I am capable and hopefully will continue to be capable, but I also would like to feel a little taken care of every now and then.

I decided not to tell the one who wants to pray for me so much about my desire for my “happily ever after.”  I emailed him about praying for deliverance from my marriage and a place for my daughter and me to live and about love, joy and peace, and courage in my life.  I did mention that I wanted someday to be with a man who would want me and love me, but I left it at that.  I didn’t give him all the details I put here on my blog.

I made the mistake one time of telling a man about my sexual hunger.  I don’t want to make that mistake again.  If this man who wants to pray for me can be simply a friend, I am fine with that.   But I don’t want anything more from him.

He told me that his wife is passive aggressive, but that he is committed to her.  Good for him.  I am glad that he reached a point where he can keep his commitment, which is important to him, and still have peace in his life.

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What I want…

Two people this week asked me what I wanted – one so he could pray about it for me and another so he could find a house for me.

So, my friends, here’s what I want.

I want a house for my daughter and me to live in.  I want the rent to be one-third of my net, one third of what I actually take home each month.  I want it to be in a very safe area to live.  I want space around the house and not, as my friend looking for me said, with neighbors staring in the windows.  I live on 4.5 acres now and most of the houses around are on at least an acre, so it’s not really crowded.  I’d like space and privacy.  I’d like room to grow my flowers.  It doesn’t have to be huge garden, just a place for my favorites, some sun, some shade.  I’d need at least two bedrooms, one for me, one for my daughter.  If there are more bedrooms for the rent I can afford, I won’t turn them down.  I’d like a window over the kitchen sink and hard-wood floors would be nice.  We can share a bathroom.  That would be okay.  I’d like the house to be within thirty-five minutes drive for my daughter and me to get to work and to school.  And the more windows, the better.  I love windows.  I’d like space for my books and my fabric.  And a few other treasures that I have after I pare down.  I think I’d like somebody’s back house or pool house or mother-in-law cottage.  That way, I know I would be on a nice property.  I have a washer and a dryer in the house here and would like to have that again, too.  Maybe some storage space.  Even though I am trying to get rid of lots of stuff, I’m sure there is still some I would want to keep.  I’d like good water and no musty smell.  Ceiling fans would be a plus.  I like ceiling fans.  Heat and air.  Maybe a fire place.  And a front porch.  I’ve always wanted a front porch. While I’m dreaming, I might as well dream.

So that’s for the friend at work who said he would look for a place for me.

(Neither of these two know about my blog, so I’ll have to email them this information.  But I needed to write it for them and here is as good a place as any.)

And for the friend who wants to pray for me … he can pray for the above for me.

And…

I want to feel peaceful about my life, not so much angst.  I want to feel joy in my life, that everything is not such a struggle all of the time.  I want to feel loved.  And to feel more loving.  I feel like I used to be more kind and loving than I am now.  I want that back, but in a healthy way, not a codependent way.  And I want the strength and courage to do what I need to do

And faith.  Faith that God loves me and wants good things for me.  Faith that God is working in my life.

I want to earn enough money to support myself and my daughter.  And I want to earn more money over time so there will be some for tiny luxuries, so I don’t have to pinch every penny.

And the one who wants to pray for me can also pray about my “happily ever after” for me, too.  The man I’d like to end up with some day.  Hopefully that will  be sooner rather than later!

I want somebody who will actually want me, who will actually care about me, who will actually want to be a team and actually share life with me.  And who will actually  make love with me.  Every night.  Or at least pretty often.  Every night.

I know I’m getting older and hormone levels drop, but there are ways to help that.  I’ve lived the past 27, almost 28, years always wanting more sex than my husband ever wanted to give me.  I’d like to be able to make up for at least some of that.  Okay, hopefully, a lot of that.

I want my “happily ever after” to be tall.  And smell good.  And dress nicely.

I want him to be healthy and fit – for both of our sakes.   He doesn’t have to be a perfect specimen, though.  After all, I’m not a super model!

I would like to be better off financially with him than I am now.  I’m not mercenary; I just want to be more stable financially.

I want to have conversations.  Actual long, enjoyable, fun conversations.  I want us to do things together, to hang out together, to be together.  A lot.  Not in an unhealthy way, but as two people who enjoy each other and enjoy being together and sharing life together.

I want to be able to work out problems together, not hiding behind passive aggressive behavior or codependency.  And I want there to be a lot more joy and happiness together than there are difficulties.  I know that no relationship is perfect and that there will be struggles, but I want the fun and happy to vastly outweigh any difference there may be.

I want him to cherish and adore me.  I want him to love me and to appreciate who I am.

I want to love him and respect him and give to him.  Unabashedly give to him and not have to be afraid that I have to protect myself from him.

Have you ever read the book His Needs, Her Needs?  I want him to fill my needs:  affection (sex), intimate conversation, financial security, trust.  The fifth one is a father to my children, but I don’t expect that.   And his needs, I want to fill his needs:  sex, recreational companion, domestic support, admiration, and an attractive spouse.

I think it would be a good thing if he had the Myers Briggs personality type that is the natural match for my Myers Briggs personality type.

This post has been really hard for me to write.

I feel so, so, so crazy wanting these things.

I feel like it’s impossible, especially about someone wanting me.  (My counselor doesn’t agree with me on that one.  He has no doubt that I will find someone who will want me and love me.)

In Toastmasters this week, a young man said in a speech he gave that he believes God gives us dreams so He can help us achieve them.  My sister’s husband says that God gives no vision without provision.

Maybe I’m not crazy to want these things.

Maybe I’m just me.

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hard not to look…

One of the rules of gym etiquette is don’t stare.  (Number 8 here)

One of the trainers at my gym works with body builders who compete.

There is a guy at my gym who has just recently started in body building competitions.  He’s in the gym every Tuesday when I go in, working with this trainer.

Today when this guy was doing squats, I guess he overheated.  He ended up taking off his shirt to cool down.

Oh, man!!!

It was so hard not to look!!!  Talk about muscles and physique!

Honest, though, I’ve seen this guy in nothing but a “posing suit.”  Let me tell you – a posing suite leaves very, very little to the imagination.  Again, I truly do try not to look.

(If you need to see men’s posing suits ….  click here.)

But today, when he took off his shirt, it was really, really difficult not to stare.

At least I’m pretty sure I didn’t make it obvious.

Too bad he’s not a little older, a little taller, and …. single.

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yeah whatever

Every morning, he very cheerfully says good morning to me.

(Well, almost every morning.  Occasionally I think he must be mad because he won’t even look at me when I walk in.)

I often ignore him.

This morning, he again very cheerfully said good morning.

I said, yeah, whatever.

I wanted to say, really?  really?  You just spent the night in a queen size bed all to your self under my homemade quilt with your own personal bathroom right off to the side of the room.   Sure, it’s a good morning for you.  Never mind that I just spent the night tossing and turning on a tiny sofa cushion on the living room floor because I can’t stand to be in the same room with you after you sexually assaulted me.

But I didn’t say that.

All I said was, yeah, whatever.

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worthless…

I feel worthless.

My counselor says I’m not worthless.  He says that I have intrinsic value just because I am.  I don’t have to do anything.  I don’t have to be anything.

But tonight I feel worthless.  I feel like I don’t matter.  That I really do not have any value.

Just a blob.

When I was raising my daughters, I felt like I mattered as their mommie.   I home schooled and we were together.  Now they’re in college and it’s not the same.  Yes, I’m still their mommie and I guess they still need me, but it’s not the same.  I don’t have that identity any more.

So I wonder who I am.

My daughters, though, would tell you that I do matter to them, that they love me very much. My younger one came in a few minutes ago to vent.  And after she did, she told me she would never leave me.  She told me that it would be okay.

I always wanted to be a wife, ever since I can remember.  Well, I’m certainly not that.  The crazy thing is, I still want to be.  I want to be with someone.  I want someone to talk with at the end of the day and sleep with at night.  I want someone to hang out with and do stuff with.  And I want to actually mean something to him, whoever “he” is.  I want to be cherished and adored.

And it’s not all one-sided.  I want to be able to give, too, and not have it rejected.

I think I’ve told you that my husband gives messages at his church sometimes.  That makes me feel so wretched.  I don’t even know how to explain it.  I feel like dirt, like trash, like scum.

At work, too often I feel like that only my mistakes are noticed.  Maybe that’s not fair.  I know people at work like me.  Maybe it’s just me only seeing my mistakes.  But I still end up feeling like a failure.

So often a failure.

Maybe all this is just hormonal.  Between “that time of the month” and “that time of life,” and the whole living with a passive aggressive person and my own codependency, I’m pretty much a basket case.  I feel like I always struggle all of the time with so much.  I feel like I am lost in a strange city where I don’t speak the language.

Maybe some of this is just mid-life stuff – a transition between who I was and who I will be.  I wish I knew what I wanted to be “when I grow up.”  I really did like staying at home with my daughters. But that is behind me.  What’s next?  I feel like I am in fog, just going through each day, but not really going anywhere.

And I don’t even know where to go.

Yes, I want to meet somebody.  I still want that “happily ever after.”  But I think maybe I’ve learned that that can’t be my sole identity.

I have stuff that I do, like my job and the gym and Toastmaster.  But I don’t know who I am.

Sometimes, rarely, I can look deep into my heart and see my dreams.  But I think I discount them and deny them.  And they’re also kind of nebulous.  More like random images and feelings than an actually list.  Maybe because I feel like I can’t have them.  Or maybe because I feel guilty about them.

So often I read about letting go.

Confession:  I don’t know how to do that.  I don’t know what that looks like.  I think it would make everything easier, but how?

Maybe I will feel a little more sane tomorrow.

I hope so.

 

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I like this….

I always used to be really concerned with following the rules. I wanted to do all the right things, and if possible, get some applause or at least maybe a gold star sticker.

That works fine as long as everyone agrees on what the rules are, and they’re things like “follow instructions” and “finish your work.” Done and done, gold sticker please.

But most of the time the rules are more mysterious, and it’s unclear who’s in charge of the stickers.

~Melissa Camara Wilkins

 

To read the whole post: http://melissacamarawilkins.com/blog/bio/

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Darkness

Originally posted on Dr Bill Wooten:

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

~ Mary Oliver

dark

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quote for the day…

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