passive aggressive Mother’s Day gift

Let me tell you about a few things that I don’t eat.  Or try not to eat.

I stay away from gluten.  Gluten – flours, grains, breads – really messes me up.  Okay.  Yes. Occasionally I do succumb to chocolate chips cookies, but I really pay the price.

I don’t eat honey.  I love honey, but honey is sweeter than sugar.  I try to avoid sugar, too, and most stuff containing sugar.  I don’t have diabetes, but when I eat sweet stuff, I can tell that it affects my blood sugar.  And I feel really bad.  So I don’t eat honey and I don’t eat jam and I don’t eat syrup, as much as I like them and would love to eat them.

Yes, I have a chocolate addiction and chocolate contains sugar.  And if I eat too much chocolate, I feel bad.   But chocolate is not pure sugar like honey and maple syrup and jam.

I don’t like mushrooms.  Period.

I don’t particularly care for rice.  I will eat it sometimes and I do make it sometimes, but I don’t really care for it.  And especially not with mushrooms!!!

So why do I mention all of these food things to you?

He gave me my Mother’s Day gift from him on Saturday night.

It was a box from a company called Minnestalgia.

Guess what was in the box…

Two jars of syrup.

Two jars of jam.

Two jars of honey.

A jar of maple sugar.

A bag of pancake mix.

A bag of wild rice.

And a bag of creamy mushroom-and-rice soup mix.

I’m sure all of this food from Minnesota is very lovely.

There is just one thing…

I showed the box to my daughter.  She look it over and said, very slowly…

“You don’t eat any of this stuff.”

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Friday evening

Friday afternoon, as I was driving home from work, I received the following text from him:

I’m getting my own dinner so you can have dinner with [our daughter].

So that was nice to hear.

But then, I always start to wonder… how much time do I have?  When will he be home?  Will it be an hour?  Three hours?  And then what?

I tried to stop my thinking and just be glad I had a little time without him.

I got home and his truck wasn’t in the driveway.  No surprise.  If he had gone out, his truck wouldn’t be there.

The air smelled like someone was having a cook-out.  I wondered if maybe he was making his own dinner at his “fort.”  But, then again, it could be a neighbor somewhere having a cook-out.

I went in and made dinner.

After awhile, I checked my phone and there was a text message from him, asking if I could put away the chickens.  The text was from about 45 minutes earlier, about sundown.  (The chickens go back to their houses all by themselves when the sun goes down, but someone has to close the doors so nothing gets them in the night.)

I texted back, yes, I would put away the chickens.

I went outside to close the doors on the chicken houses, but the doors were already closed.

By then, I was pretty sure he was out at the fort, but he didn’t actually tell me that.

Again with the wondering thing… when would he come home and the evening be interrupted?

Long story short … he spent the night out there.  Of course, he never did tell me that was what he was doing.

I still slept in the living room.

For one thing, I didn’t know if he might come home at some point and I didn’t want to be in the bed.

For another, I think it might be traumatic to sleep in the bed again, even without him here.  One week-end afternoon, after he did what he did (post), when he wasn’t here, I lay down in the bed to rest for a few minutes.  But I couldn’t be there.  I had to get out of the bed.  I couldn’t be where it had happened.

So I slept in the living room Friday night as usual.  I’m pretty comfortable there now.  The sofa cushion is still kind of hard, but it doesn’t feel so narrow anymore and I sleep pretty well in there.

Saturday morning, when I woke up, I felt so very, very angry.  Maybe this is a good thing.  I think I have a lot of repressed anger, but since working with the counselor, I am starting to recognize my anger instead of stuffing it.  Then I can deal with it in a healthy way rather than pretending that everything is okay.

So I felt this incredible anger.  Anger at his manipulation.  Anger at his deceit.  Anger at being half-lied to, at being treated this way.  It took me awhile to calm down, like hours, but I’m still glad that I was actually able to feel it and see it for what it was.

It strengthened my resolve to work harder at leaving so I don’t have to be treated like this anymore.

He finally came home on Saturday morning around 11:00 am.  Thankfully he left again a couple hours later, so I didn’t have to be around him much.

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If you’re standing in crap…

Please read the full post here: http://theothersideofcomplexity.com/standingincrap/

Standing in Crap SQUARE color

 

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what if….

What if God really does have a plan for me?

What if He is working it out, right now, exactly the way He wants it to be?

What if I actually am learning the things I’m supposed to learn and becoming what He wants me to be so I can be ready for what He has planned for me?

What if I am not screwing up as badly as I think I am?  And what if He is using my screw-ups to His purpose?

And what if He really does love me, regardless of all of my screw-ups?  What if I really am forgiven and loved?

What if…?

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thought for the day…

“Your flaws are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you.”

 

 

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unbearable

This is kind of hard to explain, but I thought it was unbearable before.

It is even more unbearable now, since what happened.  (See post.)

Ever since then, he has been courteous and helpful.

But I can’t stand being around him.

He hasn’t said anything about what happened and neither have I.

I still sleep in the living room.

Sometimes I can tell that underneath a very thin layer, he is angry.  But he doesn’t let it show.

I don’t like being around him at all.  It is so uncomfortable.

Sometimes he will start talking about something that happened at work or at church or something that he heard on the news.  I try to get away from him as quickly as possible.

I saw the counselor again today.  It’s been a month seen I’ve seen him.  I think I’m making some progress, but I’m still living here, so I haven’t reached my goal yet.  I do think the counselor is helping, though.

(P.S.  I went to add the link to that previous post and in doing so, I read just the first couple of sentences of the post.  And I started shaking.  Just after a couple of sentences.  I don’t know if could read the whole post.)

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A/C

The air conditioning has died.

This is not an option for me!  I cannot deal with the humidity that comes with the heat around here!  If it were just high temperatures, that would be one thing.  But the humidity is a killer!

He looked for parts on the internet so he could fix the unit, but he said he couldn’t find what he needed.  I haven’t asked him about it any more.  I will, though.

I’m not sure what is going to happen with this.  It will probably be expensive to fix and I’ll probably have to pay for half of it.

My daughter has a friend that she is going to ask if he knows anything about fixing an A/C unit.  Maybe he will know and that will be a cheaper option.  That would be really nice!

 

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internal conflict

He bought me a little plant that I like a lot.  It’s called String of Pearls and I had a gorgeous one when I lived in another state ten-plus years ago before we moved here.

Then I finally found one here a couple of years ago, but it died this past fall.

And today, he gave me another one.

He also helped me bring in my tender plants that can’t handle how cold it is going to get tonight and tomorrow night.

While I am thrilled to have another String of Pearls and I appreciate the help with bringing in the plants, it also fills me with conflict.

I really hate that.  I hate that internal conflict of being with someone who is sometimes nice and sometimes mean.

Just part of the insanity…

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things I’ve learned

I was outside, cleaning up in my garden a little.  (I have way too much stuff, even in the garden!!!!)

And I was thinking.

I will be fifty in another year and I was wondering what I had actually learned in all these years.  Time just goes and goes and I wonder if I am a better person at all, if I have learned anything at all in all this time.

Yeah, I was kinda being down on myself.

So then I made myself think about what I might have actually learned.

And I have learned one or two things.

I’ve learned that being co-dependent doesn’t work.

I’ve learned that I need to trust God.  Not that I do that very well or very often, but I do know that I need to.

I’ve learned that I need to wear gloves when I am working with thorny plants.  Or maybe I haven’t learned that yet because I didn’t put on my gloves until I after I got thorns in my thumb.

While I was thinking about these things, I realized why I was having such a hard time letting go of the conflict with my supervisor.  (See post.)

I realized that I wasn’t forgiving myself for getting in trouble, for making a mistake.

So this is one lesson I am still in the process of learning – it’s okay to be human.  It’s okay to make mistakes!!!   I need to forgive myself, learn what I need to learn, and move on.

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my supervisor

I got in trouble at work this past week.

My supervisor took exception to some emails that I sent to her.

I’ve worked for this company for over two and half years.  I’ve worked for this supervisor for over a year.  No one has ever complained about my emails.

I do try to be kind and tactful, but I guess I’m also pretty straight forward.  Apparently, this past week, she didn’t like that.

One of my responsibilities is to take in requests to use the suite that we hold at an event center in our city.  The events and who wants to use them are tracked on a spreadsheet on a shared drive.  In case you don’t know (and forgive me if you do), a shared drive means that multiple people can access the files stored there.  So, everyone in our department can open and edit and use all the files in the shared drive.

She made a change about who was using tickets on the spreadsheet, which, obviously, since she is the department manager, she has the jurisdiction to do.  The next time I opened the spreadsheet, which usually is my responsibility, I saw the change, but didn’t know anything about it.

So, I emailed her.  I asked her if the person who had been going to use the tickets knew of the change.  I also said to please email me when there are changes on the spreadsheet.

She didn’t like this.  She didn’t think I needed to know these things.

I don’t know.  Maybe I don’t.  But, then again, since the responsibility had been given to me, maybe I do.  I just don’t know.  I really don’t know.

Maybe part of my reaction comes from living with a passive aggressive person where you never know what is going on.  You just don’t know.  And therefore, you don’t know how to prepare.  You don’t know how you are supposed to handle things because they always change.

My supervisor tends not to be good at communicating with me.  And when she does, she writes and talks (and thinks) so differently than I do, that I don’t think she understands at all where I am coming from.  It’s kind of frustrating.  I want to say, you don’t understand what I am trying to tell you, but I also don’t want to be in your face about it.  After all, she is my supervisor.  And, I’m just not an in-your-face kind of person.

She’s about twenty years younger than I am.  And some people think she’s kind of strange.

Here’s the other thing she didn’t like.  My company will pay us for four hours a month of community service.  Some of our local elementary schools have a “community reader day,” where business people come in and read a book to an elementary classroom.

I love reading so I volunteered to do this last school year.  I was asked again by the school system if I would be willing to do it again and I agreed.

I sent my supervisor telling my supervisor the date and time when I volunteered.  Apparently, I should have asked instead of telling.

The thing is, though, I’ve always said, both with her and with my previous supervisor, I have an appointment at such and such a time and need someone to cover for me.   Just a straight forward email.  Period.

You know, I think I get the hierarchy, but I’m also not in grade school.  I shouldn’t have to raise my hand to get permission to go to the bathroom.

Oh, and there was one more thing.  She had been out on maternity leave for three months and returned about a month ago.  A few weeks before she went out on maternity leave, she told me that my previous supervisor would be the one for me to contact when I needed someone to cover for me for lunch and appointments and stuff.  So I have been working with my previous supervisor on those things and kept doing so even when my current supervisor came back from maternity leave.  Nobody said anything about doing it any differently.  So I kept doing it the way it was.

Wrong.

I told my previous supervisor that I would need most of Thursday afternoon off.  Later, I asked someone in human resources if I could use bereavement time later in the week, even though it wasn’t right up against the funeral. (I was going to go talk to the counselor.)  I thought I was asking about HR policy, but apparently, it didn’t come across that way.  The HR person told me to talk to my supervisor about it.  I decided to just not bother about trying to use bereavement time and so I didn’t say anything to my current supervisor about it.   The HR person told my current supervisor about my request and my current supervisor talked to my previous supervisor and found out I had asked for that time out and was offended that I hadn’t talked to her, my current supervisor.  My current supervisor didn’t understand the timing of my requests/questions and she also didn’t understand that I didn’t know whether my current supervisor or my previous supervisor was the one scheduling coverage for me.

Ugh!!!

Yeah, I know.  I sound kind of whiney.  I guess the thing is, I try so hard to do a good job at work.   I try to be there for people and help people.   I try to do everything right.  I try to get things done for people and reply to emails as fast as I can and rearrange things I’ve scheduled for them if needed.  I try to work hard for my company and do a good job.  I try to communicate with people.  I try to be nice and kind and helpful to people.  But I don’t quite get this.  I guess I have to be more careful in the way I write my emails to her.  She is rather flowery, if that is the right word, in her emails.   She uses a lot of jargon, which I don’t do.  I guess I just have to cater to her since she is the one who does my annual review.  (Is it possible to cater to someone and not be codependent at the same time?)

I think one big reason why this is so hard for me at the moment is that it is bad enough walking around on eggshells at home and having to protect myself at home and second guess myself and everything else at home and I really do not want to have to do that at work, too.

She makes me feel the way I feel at home.  I just never know.  I don’t know if she is going to reply to an email.  I don’t know if she is going to give me an answer that I need.   I don’t know if I can ask her.  I don’t know if I understand what she wants me to do.  I don’t know if I am doing it the way she wants me to do it.  I just don’t know.

I’m sorry this is such a long, convoluted post.   I try not to do that to you.  I just needed to get these things off of my chest.  I need to stop dwelling on them and obsessing over them.  I also need to stop feeling like a victim.

I just need to let it all go.

 

 

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