praying for deliverance…

Yes, I pray for deliverance.

King David prayed for deliverance.  He was king and would have had armies and wealth at his disposal.  Yet he still felt he needed God’s Hand to deliver him out of the mire.

I’m stuck.

I need help.

I need deliverance – whether from a physical circumstance or an emotional circumstance or a spiritual circumstance.  Or maybe just from myself.  I need deliverance.

Why would I limit on what I talk to my Father about?  And He has the option to deliver me in any way He sees fit.

I pray for deliverance and help and mercy.  He can take that any way He wants.

It is hard for me to leave here.

I’m scared.  I have a certain security here.

I don’t want to leave my garden.  Yes, I can make a new garden.  I’ve done that before.

But all of this is bigger than me.  I’m not strong right now.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to do it.

I don’t want an empty, sexless marriage.

But right now, everything else seems closed to me.

Maybe that’s me, my fault, my weakness.

Or maybe it’s timing.

I don’t have the answer.

So I pray for deliverance.


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12 Steps for Self Care

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maybe you stay…

Maybe you stay.

Maybe you be thankful you have a roof over your head and food to eat.  And a van to drive.  And a good job with good people.

Maybe you just go to work and go the gym and go to Toastmasters.  And you get what you can get and you give what you can give.

Maybe you you keep on loving those who love you.

And for those who don’t, well, maybe you turn the other the other cheek and keep on walking.

Maybe you take the crumbs that fall and enjoy them for what they are.

Maybe you be thankful for your flowers and your garden and you sit in the sun on the week-ends and watch the birds and the butterflies.  And enjoy the beauty that you have.

Maybe you just suck it up because everybody has something, a cross to bear, and this is your something, your cross to bear.

Maybe you accept that Cinderella is just a fairy tale and that there is no handsome prince and no happily ever after.

Maybe the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep and maybe you chalk each day up to a good day fighting.

Maybe you let your dreams turn to dust.

And maybe you stay.

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Why Selfish People Are Incapable Of Loving You

I did not write this.  It was written by James Michael Sama.  Please read the original article here.

There are many perceptions of what “true love” looks like in today’s society. People attempt to quantify it or put characteristics or actions or labels on it – but it is a difficult thing to define since every situation is unique.

Though, once we filter through all of the pop culture interpretations and checklists of what someone who really loves you does or doesn’t do, there is one thing that remains true in all types of “real” love.

Sometimes – it means putting someone else’s happiness ahead of your own.

Love is about compromising with someone, or even sacrificing for them. This is why people can think that love hurts, because if it is one-sided, it will hurt. But the only thing that’s telling you is that you’ve given your heart to the wrong person, because in a situation where it is reciprocated, both people will be willing to give to the other.

For this reason, selfish people can never truly love another, because they will be less willing to compromise. This will inevitably lead to one partner giving more of themselves than the other, which can cause resentment or confusion about feelings that are, or aren’t expressed.

This easily illustrates the importance of communication in all relationships. If a couple isn’t meshing well or is facing an obstacle in their relationship, it first has to be determined that there isn’t simply an easy fixed addressed by opening up to each other and expressing the frustration or challenge. It is not the job of either partner in the relationship to keep track of the good and the bad – it is a mutual, team effort.

It is often forgotten that compromise needs to go both ways in order to actually be effective. the gap left by the distance you’ve budged from what you want is filled by the happiness of your partner. This is why great relationships are about give and give, not give and take.

While I fully believe in giving emotionally to your teammate, I also stress the point that there is such a thing as giving too much. You should never do something for others for the sake of a return – as kindness for the sake of a reward is not really kindness.

If someone truly loves you, you will know it and feel it. If they don’t, you will always be left wondering if they do.

~by James Michael Sama

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he found my blog

He said he was sorry to learn of my pain and turmoil.

He said I was petty and judgmental.

He said a lot of stuff quoting Dr. Laura’s book and defending “Love and Respect.”

He said he wants me to stop writing about him.

He said he loves me and that even though I didn’t ask him to, that he forgives me for all the nasty stuff I wrote about him.


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email from him

I received this email from him this morning:

Some time ago we talked to someone who recommended that we read the book, Love and Respect. From that book I learned much, especially about the “crazy cycle”, that we have been on for some time now. Briefly lack of love from the husband produces lack of respect from the wife and it continues around and around in a crazy cycle. Part of the way that I have responded to you and treated you was because we were on the crazy cycle. Since reading that book, I have made a conscious effort to try and stop the crazy cycle by making an effort to be loving, regardless of what lack of respect you gave me. It is as you can imagine, very difficult to always respond in a loving way when the other person is mostly treating you in a disrespectful way.

In the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, Dr. Laura has a message to unhappy wives like yourself. Men are not as complex as women are and do not think and operate in the same way that women do. One of the things that you seem to judge me harshly on is by misinterpreting everything that I do or don’t do and reading some other meaning into it to gripe about. That is from Dr. Laura’s book. For example, your notion that I’m a passive aggressive person who is out to do whatever you think my evil plans are. That is just wrong. Do you do all the things that you do that irritate me because you are passive aggressive?

You make it abundantly clear that you are a very unhappy person. News flash, I can’t make you to be a happy person. In her book, Dr. Laura says to women that happiness is a choice and if you want to be a happier person, just pick one thing from her book and start doing it for your husband. Then if you want more happiness, do more things. It is that simple, but we have to mess things up by making them much more complicated than they really are.

Now is a good time for us to make changes in our lives for the better.

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My heart is empty so I feed my belly chocolate.

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More of what I want…

There are a couple of things I’d like to add about my “happily ever after.”

(You can read my previous post here.)

I want him to be successful at his job, business, career, profession.

I want him to be willing and able to take care of things.  You know, like the clogged drain and the squeaky hinges and the burned out tail light bulbs on the vehicle.  You know, the things I take care of now.  I am capable and hopefully will continue to be capable, but I also would like to feel a little taken care of every now and then.

I decided not to tell the one who wants to pray for me so much about my desire for my “happily ever after.”  I emailed him about praying for deliverance from my marriage and a place for my daughter and me to live and about love, joy and peace, and courage in my life.  I did mention that I wanted someday to be with a man who would want me and love me, but I left it at that.  I didn’t give him all the details I put here on my blog.

I made the mistake one time of telling a man about my sexual hunger.  I don’t want to make that mistake again.  If this man who wants to pray for me can be simply a friend, I am fine with that.   But I don’t want anything more from him.

He told me that his wife is passive aggressive, but that he is committed to her.  Good for him.  I am glad that he reached a point where he can keep his commitment, which is important to him, and still have peace in his life.

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What I want…

Two people this week asked me what I wanted – one so he could pray about it for me and another so he could find a house for me.

So, my friends, here’s what I want.

I want a house for my daughter and me to live in.  I want the rent to be one-third of my net, one third of what I actually take home each month.  I want it to be in a very safe area to live.  I want space around the house and not, as my friend looking for me said, with neighbors staring in the windows.  I live on 4.5 acres now and most of the houses around are on at least an acre, so it’s not really crowded.  I’d like space and privacy.  I’d like room to grow my flowers.  It doesn’t have to be huge garden, just a place for my favorites, some sun, some shade.  I’d need at least two bedrooms, one for me, one for my daughter.  If there are more bedrooms for the rent I can afford, I won’t turn them down.  I’d like a window over the kitchen sink and hard-wood floors would be nice.  We can share a bathroom.  That would be okay.  I’d like the house to be within thirty-five minutes drive for my daughter and me to get to work and to school.  And the more windows, the better.  I love windows.  I’d like space for my books and my fabric.  And a few other treasures that I have after I pare down.  I think I’d like somebody’s back house or pool house or mother-in-law cottage.  That way, I know I would be on a nice property.  I have a washer and a dryer in the house here and would like to have that again, too.  Maybe some storage space.  Even though I am trying to get rid of lots of stuff, I’m sure there is still some I would want to keep.  I’d like good water and no musty smell.  Ceiling fans would be a plus.  I like ceiling fans.  Heat and air.  Maybe a fire place.  And a front porch.  I’ve always wanted a front porch. While I’m dreaming, I might as well dream.

So that’s for the friend at work who said he would look for a place for me.

(Neither of these two know about my blog, so I’ll have to email them this information.  But I needed to write it for them and here is as good a place as any.)

And for the friend who wants to pray for me … he can pray for the above for me.


I want to feel peaceful about my life, not so much angst.  I want to feel joy in my life, that everything is not such a struggle all of the time.  I want to feel loved.  And to feel more loving.  I feel like I used to be more kind and loving than I am now.  I want that back, but in a healthy way, not a codependent way.  And I want the strength and courage to do what I need to do

And faith.  Faith that God loves me and wants good things for me.  Faith that God is working in my life.

I want to earn enough money to support myself and my daughter.  And I want to earn more money over time so there will be some for tiny luxuries, so I don’t have to pinch every penny.

And the one who wants to pray for me can also pray about my “happily ever after” for me, too.  The man I’d like to end up with some day.  Hopefully that will  be sooner rather than later!

I want somebody who will actually want me, who will actually care about me, who will actually want to be a team and actually share life with me.  And who will actually  make love with me.  Every night.  Or at least pretty often.  Every night.

I know I’m getting older and hormone levels drop, but there are ways to help that.  I’ve lived the past 27, almost 28, years always wanting more sex than my husband ever wanted to give me.  I’d like to be able to make up for at least some of that.  Okay, hopefully, a lot of that.

I want my “happily ever after” to be tall.  And smell good.  And dress nicely.

I want him to be healthy and fit – for both of our sakes.   He doesn’t have to be a perfect specimen, though.  After all, I’m not a super model!

I would like to be better off financially with him than I am now.  I’m not mercenary; I just want to be more stable financially.

I want to have conversations.  Actual long, enjoyable, fun conversations.  I want us to do things together, to hang out together, to be together.  A lot.  Not in an unhealthy way, but as two people who enjoy each other and enjoy being together and sharing life together.

I want to be able to work out problems together, not hiding behind passive aggressive behavior or codependency.  And I want there to be a lot more joy and happiness together than there are difficulties.  I know that no relationship is perfect and that there will be struggles, but I want the fun and happy to vastly outweigh any difference there may be.

I want him to cherish and adore me.  I want him to love me and to appreciate who I am.

I want to love him and respect him and give to him.  Unabashedly give to him and not have to be afraid that I have to protect myself from him.

Have you ever read the book His Needs, Her Needs?  I want him to fill my needs:  affection (sex), intimate conversation, financial security, trust.  The fifth one is a father to my children, but I don’t expect that.   And his needs, I want to fill his needs:  sex, recreational companion, domestic support, admiration, and an attractive spouse.

I think it would be a good thing if he had the Myers Briggs personality type that is the natural match for my Myers Briggs personality type.

This post has been really hard for me to write.

I feel so, so, so crazy wanting these things.

I feel like it’s impossible, especially about someone wanting me.  (My counselor doesn’t agree with me on that one.  He has no doubt that I will find someone who will want me and love me.)

In Toastmasters this week, a young man said in a speech he gave that he believes God gives us dreams so He can help us achieve them.  My sister’s husband says that God gives no vision without provision.

Maybe I’m not crazy to want these things.

Maybe I’m just me.

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hard not to look…

One of the rules of gym etiquette is don’t stare.  (Number 8 here)

One of the trainers at my gym works with body builders who compete.

There is a guy at my gym who has just recently started in body building competitions.  He’s in the gym every Tuesday when I go in, working with this trainer.

Today when this guy was doing squats, I guess he overheated.  He ended up taking off his shirt to cool down.

Oh, man!!!

It was so hard not to look!!!  Talk about muscles and physique!

Honest, though, I’ve seen this guy in nothing but a “posing suit.”  Let me tell you – a posing suite leaves very, very little to the imagination.  Again, I truly do try not to look.

(If you need to see men’s posing suits ….  click here.)

But today, when he took off his shirt, it was really, really difficult not to stare.

At least I’m pretty sure I didn’t make it obvious.

Too bad he’s not a little older, a little taller, and …. single.

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