slept in the living room

I slept in the living room last night.

I had gotten everything ready to sleep in my older daughter’s bedroom (she lives and goes to college in another state), but when it came time to go to bed, for some reason, I couldn’t sleep in there.

So I slept in the living room.

My mind has been kinda numb for the past twenty-four hours.   I guess it’s reaction.

Sometimes my mind is a little fuddled anyway; I think maybe it is hormones.  And stress.

But yesterday was worse.

This morning I looked on craigslist for a place, but everything is too expensive.

There is a real estate agent office on the first floor of the building where I work.  I need to be brave and do what I have to do.

I read a quote this morning:

“Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.”

That’s what I do.  I wish.  Oh, I am so good at wishing!!!

I used to have more of a backbone, but in the past few years, I have really doubted myself a lot and I don’t have the same backbone that I once did.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , | Leave a comment

last night / this morning

(This post is only a few short words and it doesn’t fully convey the time involved and the intensity of my emotions.)

Last night, when I was almost asleep, he told me that he wanted, needed sex.  He told me that I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to, but that he really needed me.

I told him that sex rips me apart.

He asked if I couldn’t just lay on top of him, naked.

I didn’t say anything.

He kept asking, saying how much he needed me.

Finally, I scooted over closer to him and he put his arms around me, like spooning.

(I was wearing my nightgown – a men’s flannel nightshirt.)

He kept saying, moaning, “Oh, [my name], I need you.  I want you.”

Sometimes he would say, “Oh, [my name], I love you.”

And sometimes it was, “Oh darling, I love you so much.”

He was crying and pushing his body against me.

It was so repulsive.

He kept telling he needed me.

He kept asking me for sex.

Finally, I said, “I can’t.”

But that didn’t stop him.

He kept on crying and moaning and pushing against me.  I felt horrible.  I felt so dirty, so used.

He said again that he wanted sex and I told him that I can’t.

He said, “Please just try.”

He said he loved me.

I told him that if he loved me he wouldn’t ask me to do something that would hurt me.

But he kept on, crying and saying he needed me and wanted me and loved me and for to please try to have sex with him.

I told him again that I couldn’t.

Finally, after I don’t know how long, he stopped.

I thought about going to sleep in the living room, but I didn’t.

I wish I had.

Because it started again this morning.

He wanted me to lie closer to him.

He put his arm around me and pushed against me and told me how good I felt and that he loved me so much.

I couldn’t stand for him to touch me, but I just lay there, praying it would end soon.

Then he asked if he could just lie on top of me.

I didn’t answer, but he climbed on me.

I was still wearing my nightshirt, but he was naked.

And his penis was dripping on my leg.

He wanted me to put my  hands on his back.

I cried a little, but he kept telling me how good I felt and how much he loved me.

I felt so, so, so violated, even with him just being on top of me, not even sex.

He lay on top of me for a long time, saying how good I felt and that he wanted me and needed me.

Then he wanted me to touch his nipples.

I said, I don’t think you understand… I CAN’T do this!!!

At that, he finally got off of me and said that he would leave me alone.  He left the room.

I felt so wretched and unclean.

I took a shower, but I still feel so yucky.  I want to throw up.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged | 4 Comments

sleeping alone tonight

His mom is in the hospital again.

She has been in horrible, horrible pain.  Hopefully, by now, something they have given her will have helped lessen the pain some.

She was in so much pain that my husband said she hopes she dies tonight.

Anyhow, he’s staying with her tonight in the hospital.

Which is very good and kind of him.

I’m sorry his mom is in so much pain and I wish she didn’t have to go through this.

But it will be nice to sleep by myself tonight.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , | 2 Comments

I don’t know about this…

This is a man in Toastmasters who likes me.

Honestly, I think everyone pretty much likes me in Toastmasters.

But this man emails me a lot and has written two poems for/about me.

He’s a fairly out-going person so maybe – hopefully! – he is just being friendly.

Because while I appreciate his knowledge and his talents and appreciate him as a friend, I wouldn’t want it to be anything more than that.

I’m almost positive that he’s married and once he said that I was like a daughter to him.

I can handle the daughter thing.  That’s okay.

But I sure do hope he doesn’t have anything else in mind.

Like I said, I like him for a friend, but that’s it.

And I don’t know if I need to say anything to him about it.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , | 2 Comments

coincidence?

One thing (of many) that I don’t like about living with a passive aggressive man is that it has made me suspicious.

Yesterday, he wanted me to go visit his mom.  She is not doing well.

I was having a very rough week-end (in case you couldn’t tell from my previous post) and I did not go visit his mom.

I could tell last night and this morning that he was mad at me because I didn’t visit his mom.  But he didn’t say so.  He just did the “barely speaking to me” thing and let me know by his body language that he was not happy with me.

It’s not quite the same as a visit, but today, from work, I called his mom to talk with her for a few minutes.   I could tell it cheered her up a little.

So tonight, when I came home from work, gym, and grocery store, here’s what I got from him.

“I want to talk to you for a minute.  There is something that you do that really bothers me.  You leave your laptop plugged in.  I see the little green light on it and it just bugs me.  It’s not good for the battery to leave it plugged in.  But it’s your laptop and you can do whatever you want.”

Huh???

Okay, so I’ll try to remember to unplug my laptop during the day.  I unplug it at night already.

But seriously?  The little green light bugs him?

And fair enough.  To each his own.  He doesn’t have to like the little green light shining on my laptop.

It made me suspicious, though.

He wanted me to visit his mom.  I didn’t.  He got mad.  I called his mom.  I presume she told him; it’s what she would do.  And he doesn’t like it that I leave my laptop plugged in.

Maybe I’m stretching it here.

That’s what living with a passive aggressive man will do to you.

The insanity of passive aggression.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

stuck

I don’t think I will ever have the courage to leave.

And I don’t think anyone will ever truly want me, truly love me.

I don’t think I’ll ever get to make love.

I think I am stuck here until I die.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , , , , | 10 Comments

weary

I’m weary.

And I’m tired of being weary.

I’m tired of trying to figure things out.

Like the plants in the previous post.

Am I critical because all the plants were not brought in?  If I brought it up to him, he would say something about that he does the best he can and I expect too much.  And then I will start thinking I am crazy for wanting all the plants brought in.

Or the well water.

Should it be enough that I have well water, that I don’t have to carry water from a stream or something?  Should it be enough that I have running water, hot and cold, and I shouldn’t care that it turns red from time to time because the well leaks?  Should it be enough that it is relatively clean and doesn’t carry some deadly disease?  (Well, at least as far as I know.  This is the U.S. so I like to think not.)   Should the leaking well and the red water not bother me?

These things make me weary.

It makes me weary that the floor sags, that the roof will always have a tarp.

It makes me weary (to say the least) that I want sex, that I want to make love, but I that I feel so undesirable because he doesn’t make love with me.

Oh, yeah, he’ll stick his penis in me, but that is not the same as making love.  But I can’t even stand for him to touch me, so not sure how the whole making love thing would work out any way.

It all makes me weary to want and to not have and then to feel crazy for wanting a pretty home and a loving relationship.

Anyhow…

Thanks again for listening to me vent.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

cold plants

I have a small, unheated greenhouse that I have some tender plants in this winter.  So far, it hasn’t gotten too cold for the plants in my greenhouse – which has been very cool!  (No pun intended.)

While I was gone (I’ll write about that later), I was afraid it would get too cold in the greenhouse for my plants.  He very kindly brought my plants from the greenhouse into the house.  He texted and asked if he could leave the three plants in the large pots in the greenhouse.  I said, yes, just cover them with several layers of the sheets that are in the greenhouse and they should be fine.

(These three pots were between bales of hay and five gallon buckets of water.  This makes a pretty good insulation.  Also, I had a duplicate of one plant, so I had a back-up if I lost it.  The other two plants were a little more hardy and they could stand a little more cold.)

Last night it was really cold again and this morning he said, I did cover up the large pots but then I uncovered them when it was warmer.  I hope the cold didn’t kill the plants last night.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

Why didn’t you tell me the pots were uncovered so I could have covered them back up if I wanted to?????

Well, it is going to get even colder this week, so today I went out to the greenhouse to bring in those three pots as well.

Guess what.

There were more than just those three pots left in the greenhouse.

There was also an angel wing begonia, which will not take the cold and several pots of silver squill, which will stand the cold even less.

Fortunately, very fortunately especially about the silver squill, the greenhouse had stayed warm enough that these plants had not been killed.

But I still felt that same feeling of the rug being pulled out from under me, of the life being sucked out of me.

I trusted that he was bringing in my plants from the cold.  And some of them, he did.

But not all of them.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , | 2 Comments

me tonight

I’m so tired.  So, so tired.  I’ll tell you about it this week-end.

This evening someone said to me again, meaning well, “It could be worse.”  Of course, I agreed with him.  It could be worse.   But that still doesn’t negate the ache in my heart.

Why do so many women want men who don’t really want them, who won’t truly care for them?  Why do we do that?  Why do I do that?

I’ll tell you about it this week-end, but I am so drained right now.  Have you ever “been there” for someone and held together just fine, but then, after the fact, kind of felt like you were falling apart?  And there was no one there for you?  No one to hold you and listen to you from the heart?

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

“Love and Respect”

Two or three weeks ago, he asked me to please read “Love and Respect.”

I said, okay.  So I’ve been reading, or rather, trying to read “Love and Respect.”

It’s kind of hard to read.

It seems to come from the perspective that the husband isn’t so bad and the wife is a raging, screaming banshee.  If she will just calm down and respect him, then he will be a changed man and he will love her.

Now, maybe there are situations like that, but mine isn’t one of them.

I am not a raging, screaming banshee.  I will go in the other room and cry, but I will not raise my voice at you.  I will suffer in silence rather than bring up something that is bothering me.

I’m not saying this is the healthiest way for me to handle situations.  I’m just saying that that is what I do.

Another thing the book says is that the Bible says that wives are to unconditionally respect their husbands.

I don’t see that.

Unconditional love I get because that is part of the definition of love.

Respect is not unconditional.   Respect is given when someone is respectable.

Now, I can treat you with respect even if you are not respectable, but I probably won’t respect you if you are not respectable.

So, if my husband doesn’t have a relationship with my/his daughters, I can’t respect that.  I am respectful towards him in the sense that I don’t yell and scream at him, I don’t call him names, I don’t tell everyone how awful he is.  I still keep the home and make meals  and wash clothes.  But I cannot respect that he is not a daddy to his daughters.

The book would have me believe that it is my place to respect him no matter what he does.

Another thing about the book is that it claims that if you will just do these things, every thing will be hunky-dory.

I’m sorry.  There are no absolutes.  Life doesn’t work that way.  Some couples may be able to apply his principles and it may work for their situation.  It may be the answer they needed.  But, you know what, there is no way that one humanly written book can be the answer to every relationship.

This book also seems to be a lot about the author and his experiences and his “rant” with marriage and wives and women.  And that’s fine if someone want to write about their experiences and what they have learned.  That’s what I do on my blog.  But for him to tout it as the answer to troubled marriages is disconcerting.

I have not finished reading this book.  I don’t know if I will.  My bookcase is filled with many marriage, relationship, “good wives” books that I have read in an effort to make the marriage better.  “Love and Respect” is not one that I would recommend.

“Love and Respect” has simply given my husband something to beat me over the head with.

Oh, another thing that I don’t like about the book (and a companion book, “The Respect Dare”) is that it makes the husband’s behavior the wife’s responsibility.

I’m sorry, but my actions are my responsibility and his actions are his responsibility.  I’m not saying that people do not impact each other, because they do, but, at the end of the day, each is responsible for their own actions.

If he believes he should love me, if he believes he does love me, then that is his responsibility.

Last week at work, a client called who was furious.  She was almost a raging, screaming banshee.  She was demanding to speak to someone about an issue and she wouldn’t calm down and she refused to leave a message.  She was upset and she was acting irrationally.  I had option.  I could be rude back.  I could be offended.  I could simply transfer the call to someone’s voice mail and be done with it.

But I didn’t.

While I did not respect the way she was handling the situation, I was calm and respectful towards her.  I, with the help of someone else in the office, was able to run down the person she needed to speak with and transfer her call to a live person who could help.  While I really do not like to be spoken to the way she did, I did not let her behavior alter the way I dealt with her.   Her behavior was her responsibility and my behavior was my responsibility.

I’m not saying that I always handle every situation in life the way that I should.  I’m just using that one example to say that each person’s behavior is their own responsibility.

Thank you for listening to my rant about “Love and Respect.”

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband | Tagged , , | 4 Comments