feeling crazy

I have felt crazy today.

Maybe there is just too much going on.

I’ve been sick for the past couple of weeks with some sort of weird cold/flu sort of thing.  I don’t usually get sick.  And when I do, I don’t usually stay sick very long.  Maybe it’s stress that has knocked me down so hard with this.

I have felt really lonely.   When I went to work each day, the people I worked with were like family.  They were my friends.  Now I don’t see them and I feel really lonely.  I’ve been able to visit two of my sisters and their families and my brother and his family.  That has been great, but for the most part, I feel really lonely.

I’m still going to Toastmasters each week, so I see my Toastmasters friends.  But mostly it’s just the meeting and not a whole lot of conversation before and after.

I did stop by the new office of a guy who I used to work with.  We both lost our jobs at the same time.  He actually got a job before he found out he was being let go.  It worked out perfectly for him.  Anyhow, I stopped by his new office and saw him yesterday.  That cheered me up.  And because of talking with him, I now have leads on three more potential jobs.  Maybe one of them will play out and be “the one.”

I’ve been going to the new therapist, too.  She’s really good, but I also think that it is kind of stressful working on old traumas.  She has told me that we can work on them at whatever pace I am comfortable with.  I want to get it done so I can feel better!  But she also recognizes that it takes a lot out of me to face these things.  I think that that is part of what contributed to my feeling crazy today.  Yesterday we worked on compiling a list of traumas and that is a lot to bring to the surface.  Then there were a couple more things that came to mind after I left the appointment.

Plus I’ve been eating wheat/flour.  I normally stay away from gluten, but the past few days, I’ve been baking and eating things I shouldn’t.  And it’s definitely taking a toll.

I have this thing that I do when I feel really, really crazy.  I count.  Not too fast, but not too slowly either.  But very, very deliberately.  All the way to one hundred and then I start over again.  I make myself focus on each number and that helps slow all the other crazy things going on in my brain.

It scares me, though, when I feel so crazy that I need to count.  I don’t like feeling that way.  Maybe the work with the therapist will help me get past some of the crazy feelings.  In fact, I’m pretty sure she will help me get past the crazy.

I haven’t been to the gym since I lost my job.  I think that is contributing to my not doing so well.  Going to the gym was part of my sanity.  I’m going to start going again on Monday.  I have to. I really miss working out.

Also, the yoga studio that I go to when I do yoga (which is not as often as I would like) has a free class on Monday mornings for those who are unemployed and job hunting!  So I am going to go to that class until I find another job.  Yoga always grounds me and settles me.  I wish I could afford to go more often than I do, but I can’t.  Maybe some day I will make enough to be able to go to yoga at least once a week.

Maybe all of this helps just a little to explain why I have felt a tad crazy today.

Oh, and the water is once again the color of apple juice, even though I just changed the water filter a couple of days ago.   Yay.  Just yay.

I know this is a long post, but thank you for “listening.”

 

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Still here…

I miss blogging.

I  don’t have another job yet, even though I’ve had a number of interviews.  I’ve been enjoying my days without work, but I need to start looking for more stuff to apply for.

It’s still really, really, really difficult for me here.  I feel like the life is being sucked out of me.  I feel like I’m only partly alive.  This isn’t who I was meant to be.

It’s hard to write, knowing that my words will probably be read and despised.  So I can’t really say all I’d like to say.

I’m very thankful for my bed and my bedroom.  I don’t think I would have survived if I were still sleeping on the floor in the living room.

I’m still going to the therapist and she’s great.  I wish I could tell you more.

It is a beautiful day today and I will make the most of it!  You do the same, okay?

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged | 3 Comments

losing my job and another therapist

I will be losing my job.

My company was bought by another company and my “position is being eliminated.”

I have about another month before my last day so at least I have a little time to look for something else.

On another note, I went to a new therapist.

This might sound funny, but she was so kind and so compassionate that it made me feel uncomfortable!  I’m much more used to being in a matter-of-fact environment than one of such utter care.  I think, though, that she will be very helpful.

She actually didn’t say a whole lot at the first appointment.  I did most of the talking.  But when I told her that I moved to sleep in the living room after he sexually assaulted me, she seemed truly shocked that I was the one who moved into the living room.  But we didn’t really discuss it.

We did talk a little about the fact that I feel like I don’t matter.   She wants to help me see that I do matter.

The counselor that I went to before helped me with that some, to see that I have intrinsic value.  But obviously, I have a lot more work to do.

The counselor that I went to before was a man.  I did tell him about the sexual assault, but I think this lady, this new therapist, will be able to help me more with it and with some of the other traumas in my life.

I really do hope so.  I feel like I made progress with the other counselor, but I also see that I still have a lot more healing to do.

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, family, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

domestic violence in the Bible

In all the years I’ve been in the church I’m in, I don’t ever remember domestic violence being addressed by the church.  That’s not to say it hasn’t been addressed, but I just don’t remember ever hearing it.

And divorce was a thing, while not forbidden, that was rarely discussed and then only in hushed tones.

So it is hard to be in a situation that 1) is difficult to explain as the aggression is passive and not so easily recognizable and 2) is not openly addressed by my church.

I did a google search of “domestic violence in the Bible” and found some links that were comforting to me.  I’m not affiliated with any of these, but I wanted to share them, both so I could easily refer back to them and because they might be helpful to someone else who also needs that encouragement.

They are not listed in any particular order.

Also, I found this quote that I wanted to share:  “‘many victims believe clergy have the most potential to help them,’ in fact ‘[clergy] are too often the least helpful and sometimes even harmful.'”  (Link to full article.)

http://www.gotquestions.org/domestic-violence.html

https://www.openbible.info/topics/domestic_violence_and_abuse

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/bible_verses.html

https://sojo.net/articles/troubling-texts-domestic-violence-bible/preaching-about-domestic-violence-hard-we-must

http://marriagemissions.com/scriptures-on-abuse-and-domestic-violence/

http://www.restoredrelationships.org/news/2016/01/11/domestic-abuse-divorce/

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Tea and Sexual Consent

 

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PTSD

This is very difficult to write.

It’s been exactly one year since what happened.  (See post.)

I thought it would get easier.  I thought I would get over it.

But I haven’t.

It’s actually gotten worse.

I have very strong reactions to anything, no matter how minor, relating to violence against women and sexual assault, even if it portrayed as a humorous situation.  I start shaking and I feel sick and I just can’t handle the thoughts at all.  I think it must be kind of like PTSD.

I’m going to see another therapist.  She has experience working in a domestic violence shelter so maybe she will be able to help me with this in a way my other counselor wasn’t able to.  I sure hope so.  I need to heal from this, to stop feeling so dirty and wretched about it.

 

 

Posted in codependency, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, passive aggressive husband, relationships, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

How to Deal with a Narcissist

Please read the full article here.  Note:  I did not write this!

A very quick summary on how to deal with a narcissist:

• Don’t.  – Think haunted house. Get out of there the first chance you can.

• Kiss Up Or Shut Up.  – If they’re your boss or they have power over you, fighting makes it worse.

• Know What You Want And Get Payment Up Front. – Don’t assume they’ll play fair.

• Ask, “What would people think?” –  They want to look good. If they think they’ll look bad, they’ll behave.

• Be Dexter. – If the dark side of The Force has you, channel your need to look awesome into helping others.

Please read the whole article here:  http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2016/01/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist-2/

 

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here’s a thought…

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adrenal fatigue

This video is about thirty minutes long, but within the first five minutes, he discusses passive aggressive people.

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a quote

I saw this quote today:

“It’s worth the trouble to become the person you were meant to be.”

~Dave Ramsey

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