Yesterday, I was crying and he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I felt trapped, that I had felt trapped for years. He said he loved me and that he was trying to make things better. I asked him how long I had to wait. After 24 years, is it really going to change? And how long do I wait to see?
He has been reading the book that I brought home, “The 5 Love Languages.” He thinks it’s a wonderful book. He keeps asking me if I am reading it. He thinks it will just change everything for us. (I guess especially if I learn his love language!)
But will this change the passive aggressive behavior?
I am so tired. I am tired of battling this, of wanting, of wondering if I can have what I want, of even trying to work at the marriage. I tried to work on the marriage for 20+ years (can you say “co-dependent”?). Maybe it is just not fixable. Maybe he is who he is and I am who I am and we will never mesh the way I want to be meshed.
I don’t know what I “should” do. My belief in the marriage covenant has been very strong all of my life. But is feeling crushed marriage???
I wish I could see clearly, could think clearly. I want peace about my life.
When I think about leaving, I feel uncertain about my future. But when I think about staying, I feel desolate.
Screaming here. Or crying. Or both.
This is really co-dependent, but I wish there was a knight in shining armor to come rescue me. You know the song…. “I need a hero.”
I know I am the only one who can rescue me.
What do I do? What “should” I do???