I don’t know

Yesterday, I was crying and he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I felt trapped, that I had felt trapped for years.  He said he loved me and that he was trying to make things better.  I asked him how long I had to wait.  After 24 years, is it really going to change?  And how long do I wait to see?

He has been reading the book that I brought home, “The 5 Love Languages.”  He thinks it’s a wonderful book.  He keeps asking me if I am reading it.  He thinks it will just change everything for us.  (I guess especially if I learn his love language!)

But will this change the passive aggressive behavior?

I am so tired.  I am tired of battling this, of wanting, of wondering if I can have what I want, of even trying to work at the marriage.  I tried to work on the marriage for 20+ years (can you say “co-dependent”?).  Maybe it is just not fixable.  Maybe he is who he is and I am who I am and we will never mesh the way I want to be meshed.

I don’t know what I “should” do.  My belief in the marriage covenant has been very strong all of my life.  But is feeling crushed marriage???

I wish I could see clearly, could think clearly.  I want peace about my life.

When I think about leaving, I feel  uncertain about my future.  But when I think about staying, I feel desolate.

Screaming here.  Or crying.  Or both.

This is really co-dependent, but I wish there was a knight in shining armor to come rescue me.  You know the song…. “I need a hero.”

I know I am the only one who can rescue me.

What do I do?  What “should” I do???

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One Response to I don’t know

  1. Teresa says:

    My thoughts exactly!

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