Failure

I feel like such a failure.

All I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother and a Godly woman.

I’ve failed at all of those.

No, my daughters are not failures.  They are beautiful young women who are going the right direction in life.  I just wish I could have been more for them, helped them more, taught them more, given them more.

I feel wretched for giving them such a sad, empty, tumultuous home; for marrying a passive aggressive man who couldn’t be a daddy to them.

I’m at a complete loss on how to be a wife any more.  I used to think I knew.  I read all the books, all the scriptures, prayed all the prayers.  I still have an empty, dead, miserable (for  me) marriage.

As far as the Godly woman thing.  Nope. Not. Not me.  I’m not righteous.  I’m not good.

I don’t see what God wants for me.  I know what I want, but I doubt any more if it is what God wants for me.  I used to want a happy marriage; I used to think that was what God wanted, too.  But it sure hasn’t played out that way.  And now I am stuck.  I’ve felt stuck, trapped for years.

If I stay here, it is a sad, empty relationship.  If I leave, even then I am not free to be in a happy, fulfilling relationship with a man.

So I screwed up my life at 21 by making a seriously wrong choice.  And now I have to live with this for the rest of my life.  Why couldn’t I have just bought the wrong car or the wrong house rather than picking the wrong man to marry???

My oldest daughter says you haven’t failed until you have quit trying.  I don’t know what else to try.  I’ve tried for 20+ years.  Being codependent made that really easy.

But what now?  Who am I now?  What do I want now?  Well, I know what I want.  (See my “Dreams” page above.)  But I don’t know what is possible, realistic for me.  I don’t know what hope there is for me.

I don’t know what hope there is for me, the Failure.

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3 Responses to Failure

  1. Charis says:

    Been there.
    You need a fresh, “God’s eye view” on yourself. You are ever so precious and beloved by Him!

    I have a long history of a painful lonely marriage
    http://hupotasso.wordpress.com/2008/02/23/the-particular-loneliness-the-gateway-to-something-new/
    http://hupotasso.wordpress.com/2009/01/17/why-is-the-divorce-rate-for-atheists-lower-than-that-for-evangelical-christians/

    If my husband can grow up and learn to be considerate, yours can too!
    (((((((Hugs)))))))
    Charis

  2. Charis,
    Thank you so very much for this encouragement!!!

  3. tt says:

    I too have felt stuck, trapped, because of my convictions… I already have one failed marriage that was my fault… I know that God hates divorce….and I have read all the scriptures… and yet wonder how I can possibly live out the rest of my life in this situation, because I dont want to disobey him second time.

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