I feel like such a failure.
All I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother and a Godly woman.
I’ve failed at all of those.
No, my daughters are not failures. They are beautiful young women who are going the right direction in life. I just wish I could have been more for them, helped them more, taught them more, given them more.
I feel wretched for giving them such a sad, empty, tumultuous home; for marrying a passive aggressive man who couldn’t be a daddy to them.
I’m at a complete loss on how to be a wife any more. I used to think I knew. I read all the books, all the scriptures, prayed all the prayers. I still have an empty, dead, miserable (for me) marriage.
As far as the Godly woman thing. Nope. Not. Not me. I’m not righteous. I’m not good.
I don’t see what God wants for me. I know what I want, but I doubt any more if it is what God wants for me. I used to want a happy marriage; I used to think that was what God wanted, too. But it sure hasn’t played out that way. And now I am stuck. I’ve felt stuck, trapped for years.
If I stay here, it is a sad, empty relationship. If I leave, even then I am not free to be in a happy, fulfilling relationship with a man.
So I screwed up my life at 21 by making a seriously wrong choice. And now I have to live with this for the rest of my life. Why couldn’t I have just bought the wrong car or the wrong house rather than picking the wrong man to marry???
My oldest daughter says you haven’t failed until you have quit trying. I don’t know what else to try. I’ve tried for 20+ years. Being codependent made that really easy.
But what now? Who am I now? What do I want now? Well, I know what I want. (See my “Dreams” page above.) But I don’t know what is possible, realistic for me. I don’t know what hope there is for me.
I don’t know what hope there is for me, the Failure.