“Toxic Men”

I went to a HUGE bookstore today.  And I bought a book.

“Toxic Men.”

Here are the first three paragraphs from the introduction:

“Too many women today are dating, living with, married to, working for, or working with a Toxic Man.  Who is a Toxic Man?  He’s a man who makes a woman feel bad about herself.  he makes her feel less than she is.  He is not supportive and makes her life miserable.

Most women feel stuck when they are in a relationship with a Toxic Man.*  They are afraid either to do anything about it or don’t know where to being to change their circumstance.  This book is designed to help you enrich your awareness so that you can quickly identify, effectively deal with, and completely heal from any Toxic Man who has made your life miserable.

“This book is not about male bashing.  Instead, it is about empowering you to never be a victim again.  You no longer have to suffer in silence.  You have choices.”

(*The italics are mine.)

This is me crying.  And crying.  And crying.

This is not what I wanted!!!  I wanted a loving marriage.  All my life, I wanted a loving marriage.  I wanted to be a wife.  Not a career woman, not a CEO, not a doctor, a lawyer.  I wanted to be a wife.  That’s all I wanted.  That, and to be a mother.

I wanted to love him.  And I did for years and years and years.

Sometimes when I am away from, like when I am out of the house, or when he is away at work, I will focus on being really loving towards him when I see him again.  But then when I try, something always happens that comes back to me like a slap in the face (figuratively).

Do I keep trying?

I’ve been away from home for a couple of days now and once again I find myself thinking about recommitting myself to being loving towards him when I get home. I’m reading “Sacred Influence” and am feeling motivated by that book to try again.

Am I being foolish?  That somehow this time will be different?  That if I just try harder, it will be better?  This is what I have done for years.

And then there are all my doubts about me.  What if he is just fine?  And I actually am crazy?  What if I am small and petty and selfish and blind?  What if he really is loving and I am too stupid to see it?

What if I really am the one who messed everything up?

I sound so inane.

Oh, I just found another quote from the intro:  “Women who have nurturing personalities, such as mothers, homemakers, or teachers … are especially likely to come into contact with Toxic Men.”  Have I mentioned that I am a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom with a nurturing personality?

Great.  Just great.

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2 Responses to “Toxic Men”

  1. Leigh Masters says:

    Where are you now? I feel so stuck.

  2. Teresa says:

    I’m the same way. A stay at home, homeschooling mom…never worked a day in my married life, because he wanted it that way!
    We just bought a new (slightly used) car last week….and the day after my H comes up to me in the kitchen, slides his arm around my waist and says “Who spoils you, huh??” All said with a big grin on his face!! AUGGHHH!!!
    I HATE when he says that! He does it ALL.THE.TIME!! Whether it’s flowers he brings home, that he ALWAYS asks, “Did you put the flowers I bought you on Facebook?” AKA…”Who’s bragging on me and telling you what a great husband you have??”
    There is NO excitement and joy about any of the gifts he buys me…because I KNOW he’s wanting me to tell him how great and wonderful he is…and to share it on my FB!!
    “Sure, Hon, thanks for the roses…you haven’t EVER opened up and let me in emotionally….you cheated on me with your old GF, and refuse to deal with WHY you cheated, you tell me you’re sorry, but we need to move on, you’ve admitted your PA but don’t need counseling, I cry all the time because I’m married but lonely…..but, hey, thanks for the roses!!” :(

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