I went to a HUGE bookstore today. And I bought a book.
Here are the first three paragraphs from the introduction:
“Too many women today are dating, living with, married to, working for, or working with a Toxic Man. Who is a Toxic Man? He’s a man who makes a woman feel bad about herself. he makes her feel less than she is. He is not supportive and makes her life miserable.
“Most women feel stuck when they are in a relationship with a Toxic Man.* They are afraid either to do anything about it or don’t know where to being to change their circumstance. This book is designed to help you enrich your awareness so that you can quickly identify, effectively deal with, and completely heal from any Toxic Man who has made your life miserable.
“This book is not about male bashing. Instead, it is about empowering you to never be a victim again. You no longer have to suffer in silence. You have choices.”
(*The italics are mine.)
This is me crying. And crying. And crying.
This is not what I wanted!!! I wanted a loving marriage. All my life, I wanted a loving marriage. I wanted to be a wife. Not a career woman, not a CEO, not a doctor, a lawyer. I wanted to be a wife. That’s all I wanted. That, and to be a mother.
I wanted to love him. And I did for years and years and years.
Sometimes when I am away from, like when I am out of the house, or when he is away at work, I will focus on being really loving towards him when I see him again. But then when I try, something always happens that comes back to me like a slap in the face (figuratively).
Do I keep trying?
I’ve been away from home for a couple of days now and once again I find myself thinking about recommitting myself to being loving towards him when I get home. I’m reading “Sacred Influence” and am feeling motivated by that book to try again.
Am I being foolish? That somehow this time will be different? That if I just try harder, it will be better? This is what I have done for years.
And then there are all my doubts about me. What if he is just fine? And I actually am crazy? What if I am small and petty and selfish and blind? What if he really is loving and I am too stupid to see it?
What if I really am the one who messed everything up?
I sound so inane.
Oh, I just found another quote from the intro: “Women who have nurturing personalities, such as mothers, homemakers, or teachers … are especially likely to come into contact with Toxic Men.” Have I mentioned that I am a homeschooling, stay-at-home mom with a nurturing personality?
Great. Just great.