What to do

Here’s my dilemma.  I spend hours and hours thinking about this one.

What do I do???

Do I stay or do I leave?  Do I keep trying to make it work?

I’m reading another book.  (“Sacred Influence.”)  And it is offering good advice.  It’s stuff that I tried years and years ago, but not recently.  Do I try it again?  It would good for me to work, yet again, on being that kind of person so I guess I should.

I’ll be honest here.  I don’t want to.  I really don’t want to.  I’m tired of giving to him.

Yes, I’ll be a better person for it, but it won’t change his passive aggressive behavior.  He is the only one who can change his passive aggressive behavior and he refuses to see that he has that problem.  You know, like the alcoholic who refuses to see that he has a problem.  It’s like that.  And until someone sees they have a problem, they can’t change.

Any effort I make at being closer to him will be met with rebuttal, however subtle.

I feel like I have tried to be a loving, giving, caring, non-nagging wife for most of our marriage.  Definitely more so at the beginning, but over the years, the lack of being given back to has taken its toll.  I think in the past 3 or so years, I’ve not given as much and especially this past year.  I’ve just felt completely worn out and tired of trying to make the marriage work on my own.  (Codependent behavior on my part.)

But I can’t afford financially yet to leave and I’m not sure yet if it is the right thing for me to do to leave, so in the mean time….  work on this again???

I’m just so tired.  I feel like all of this is beyond me anymore.  I just want to quit.  I’m so worn out emotionally.

I think there is a song somewhere that says, one step forward, and two steps back.  I feel like that is what it is like living with a passive aggressive man.  Like the other evening I sat really, really close to him, snuggling up against him while we were watching a movie, which he says he wants me to do, but then when we got into bed he was sulking because of something I had said either earlier in the day, or the day before. Whatever.

I had made an effort to connect to him.  And he put up another wall.

What to do.

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