I know I write an awful lot about his passive aggressive behavior. Hence the small type of “the insanity of passive aggression.”
My recovery is about looking at myself.
So what has been my part?
I think one huge thing is that I did not know and understand myself. I didn’t see my neediness, my codependency, my strengths and my weaknesses.
I had low self-esteem, but never addressed it. Instead I subconsciously married someone who would continue to keep my self-esteem low.
I didn’t let myself grow up a little bit before I got married. I was just barely 21. And so was he.
In my neediness, I over-looked things that should have been warning signs. In fact, when he proposed, I came so very, very close to saying no. And even after we were engaged, I almost called off the wedding.
After we were married, I was determined to be a submissive wife. In retrospect, I should have spoken up about quite an number of things.
Almost from the beginning, I tried to “fix” things. Yes, things were pretty much broken from the beginning. I kept thinking that if I could just be a better wife (and I did keep trying), then he would be a better husband. I read all the books I could to try to be a better wife. And to try to figure out how come he wouldn’t have sex with me as much as I wanted it. BTW, I never did find out why in any marriage book. All the marriage books say that men want more sex than their wives. It wasn’t until I learned of passive aggressive behavior that I got answers about the lack of sex in our marriage. (And, yes, I am attractive enough!)
I didn’t know about codependency; about putting so much into the relationship that you loose who you are. I lost who I was. I didn’t matter. What I wanted didn’t matter.
Am I learning from these things? I sure do hope so!!! Whether I stay in this relationship or get another chance at a relationship somewhere in the future, I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.