Turmoil

Today he texted me to ask me to bring lunch to him.  (He usually works on his parents’ property which adjoins ours.)  I told him it would be a bit, but that I would.

When I was leaving to take him his lunch, I was thinking, what is he going to say?  Will he be nice?  He usually is, in his way, but not always.  So, I was wondering.  Would he criticize me for taking too long?  Thankfully, all he said was thank-you.  Oh, and that he didn’t want the apple because he already had one.

I get so tired of this turmoil, of wondering how things will go.

And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this mental turmoil.

I think of the part of the serenity prayer that says, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

Is this something I cannot change?  I know I can’t change him.  And since he refuses to see a problem, I doubt he is going to change himself.

But can I change my situation?  Can I leave?  Will I leave?  Or am I too comfortable with this turmoil?  Am I addicted to this unhappiness?

Today in “The Language of Letting Go,” it said, “It’s okay to feel good.”  That scares me.  When I feel good, really good, it scares me.

So I don’t know if I am brave enough to get out of this turmoil, whether physically or mentally.

I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t trying to deal with this.

That’s how long I have been dealing with this.

And that’s pretty sad.

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