Today he texted me to ask me to bring lunch to him. (He usually works on his parents’ property which adjoins ours.) I told him it would be a bit, but that I would.
When I was leaving to take him his lunch, I was thinking, what is he going to say? Will he be nice? He usually is, in his way, but not always. So, I was wondering. Would he criticize me for taking too long? Thankfully, all he said was thank-you. Oh, and that he didn’t want the apple because he already had one.
I get so tired of this turmoil, of wondering how things will go.
And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in this mental turmoil.
I think of the part of the serenity prayer that says, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Is this something I cannot change? I know I can’t change him. And since he refuses to see a problem, I doubt he is going to change himself.
But can I change my situation? Can I leave? Will I leave? Or am I too comfortable with this turmoil? Am I addicted to this unhappiness?
Today in “The Language of Letting Go,” it said, “It’s okay to feel good.” That scares me. When I feel good, really good, it scares me.
So I don’t know if I am brave enough to get out of this turmoil, whether physically or mentally.
I don’t know who I would be if I wasn’t trying to deal with this.
That’s how long I have been dealing with this.
And that’s pretty sad.