Last night a dear friend called me.  Years ago, when we lived in the same state, we would often see each other and tried to encourage one another in our marriages.   She moved to another state and then our contact was only occasional emails.  But she is kind of friend you instantly reconnect with, no matter how long it has been.

She divorced her husband a few years back and she is doing sooo much better.  I am so very happy for her.  But last night we were again talking about some of the things her husband put her through.  He was verbally abusive and not loving and caring towards her, putting it mildly.  And he chased other women.  Very obvious destructive situation.

I have another friend her whose husband is an alcoholic who refuses to get help.  Again, obvious destructive situation.

When I talk with, or email, these friends, sometimes I feel really badly comparing my situation to theirs – because there is nothing obvious in mine.

Passive aggressive behavior is covert.  You don’t see it.  So it makes the one on the receiving end of the behavior sound crazy to try to explain it.

I feel that way often when I am writing about things he does here on my blog.  Sometimes I think I sound crazy.  Sometimes – often – I think I sound petty.  But these are just the weird things he does.

And it’s not like the 23 hours and 58 minutes of the day are filled with really good stuff and then he does/says some idiotic thing and I blog about those 2 minutes.  No. Literally, the stuff I write about what he does is just about the extent of our interaction.  I don’t write about every conversation we have about his work or his relatives or the relatives he’s worked for or the weather, but, pretty much, what I put here is all that our “relationship” is.

So, maybe you don’t see bruises on my arm or hear rude language directed at me or have a computer history of dating sights or see a staggering man on the streets, but the wounds in my heart are very, very, very real.

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5 Responses to Covert

  1. Everything you just said sounds like what I am going threw right now and how I feel when talking about it. And ever one looks at me like I am in the wrong for asking him to leave and wanting a divorce. Like this is how I wanted things to turn out with three small kids to take care of. But I feel that we are all much better off not living in it. I know we are. Everyone says he is a great guy he don’t cheat he don’t drink he don’t run around on you. He works he takes care of you he is a good dad. So many people say oh your the perfect family. They don’t see what goes on behind closed doors.

  2. And that IS the biggest mind game they play. They act loving and caring in public and around family. I was hugged, squeezed, and adored. He took lots of pictures of me and him and our little outings. He told me he NEEDED me and wanted me to need him. Yet, at the same time, he wanted me to delete my Facebook account, stop communicating with my estranged husband (even though he knew we had a child together), end all “unnecessary” friendships in which I had nothing to gain (even though he knew I loved helping friends in need), remove my contact information from my personal website (even though he knew how much I enjoyed connecting with people about my work and skills), think twice about blogging certain things (even though he knew what a release writing was for my stress), answer his calls EVERY time he called throughout the day (even though he knew I couldn’t answer the phone if I was in a meeting or on another call), have sex with him EVERY time he was in the mood (even though he knew I suffered nausea at the moment), make dinner more (even though he knew I had anxiety about cooking), he asked me to not go to the gym so much (even though he knew it made me feel better), etc. These little “oversights” on his part were purposeful. If I didn’t act the way he wanted me to act or change my behaviours to what he wanted my behaviours to be, I didn’t love him. I was hateful, he claims. I didn’t know what being in love was. I wasn’t as passionate about him as he was for me. WHAT!!!???? I was sacrificing who I was to be with him. If that’s not love, then what is it? I became ill and drank and tried to forget how much of myself I was losing. In the end, I was to the point where I just wanted to die rather than deal with being blamed and accused of being a whore, a bad mother, an unfit mother, and someone who didn’t care. Hell, I cared too much. Sorry for rambling.

  3. Karen says:

    I get this. I keep a log of stuff he’s done…not to accuse, but, rather to remind myself when I get to feeling sorry for him. A lot of it sounds petty..or I think it would sound petty to others. Outsiders will NOT get when I make him leave. They see the perfect side of him. When you add up all the crazy making stuff they do to us, and that’s all the interaction we get, it’s abnormal.

    • Why do we feel sorry for them???? We do. I’ve heard it from other women, too. I still feel sorry for him. It is a good reminder for me to remember what he has done. And, yes, outsiders will not get it. But we know. And those who have been affected by p.a. people know. They know we’re not crazy. Because we’re NOT!!! :}

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