I’m sad.

I’m scared.

I don’t want to leave.  I don’t want to stay.

I just called to register for a course for displaced homemakers.  The instructor explained that the requirements for the course was that a woman be someone who has been dependent on someone else’s income, but due to divorce, separation, lay 0ff or death, that the woman needs substantial employment.

I told her that that wasn’t the case for me, but that I was thinking of separating from my husband.  As I was saying that, inside I was crying so hard.  I managed not to cry on the phone, but when I hung up, I just cried and cried.

I don’t want this!  I don’t want this at all!  This isn’t what I wanted.

I don’t want to be separated.  I don’t want to be divorced.  I don’t want an empty marriage.  I don’t want to be abused, however subtly.  I don’t want to be unloved.

I’m sitting here crying and crying.  Who am I?  What am I going to do?  Who will I be?

I don’t want to face this.  I don’t want to accept this.

I feel like I am a monster.

By the way, she said I qualify for the class.  I’ll go register tomorrow and start next week.

This entry was posted in emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Sad.

  1. You are crying because you have been so dependent on him for so long. Change is hard, and we resist it as much as possibly. I was so scared 12 months ago that I seriously thought I was going to lose my son if I left the relationship. I knew that gaining back my sanity was what my son needed the most from me. So, I risked EVERYTHING and left. The losses I experienced were temporary and crippled me for most of the year. But I was determined to get my life back, to find myself. Today, I am closer to my husband, son, and myself more than I imagined possible. Nothing is perfect; how could it be. I still have bills to pay and meals to prepare and work to do. But I am now surrounded by the emotional, loving support each of us needs to reach our potential. The ultimate goal is happiness, long-term happiness, not temporary bursts of it. Good luck with your classes.

  2. So, if I can ask, are you still married?

  3. I left my husband to be with the Narcissist who nearly destroyed me. The entire time I was with him and separated, I sensed something that wasn’t quite right with our “love affair” and failed to follow through with divorcing my husband. I was vulnerable and a little depressed to begin with; going through a divorce without the emotional support would have killed me. My relationship with the Narcissist’s took me into a downward spiral quickly. He had mentioned to my mother one evening that I needed to be committed! When I left him 12 months ago, I moved in with my sister. My estranged husband became part of my support. He knew I needed help with my depression and wanted me to get better, if not for myself, then at least for my son. I found the help, love and support I desperately needed. I am still married to my husband, the man I left for the Narcissist. If anything, I learned a lot about love through the past 3 years. Love is NOT conditional and everyone deserves forgiveness and to be treated with kindness and care, regardless of bad decisions. :)

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