I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to stay.
I just called to register for a course for displaced homemakers. The instructor explained that the requirements for the course was that a woman be someone who has been dependent on someone else’s income, but due to divorce, separation, lay 0ff or death, that the woman needs substantial employment.
I told her that that wasn’t the case for me, but that I was thinking of separating from my husband. As I was saying that, inside I was crying so hard. I managed not to cry on the phone, but when I hung up, I just cried and cried.
I don’t want this! I don’t want this at all! This isn’t what I wanted.
I don’t want to be separated. I don’t want to be divorced. I don’t want an empty marriage. I don’t want to be abused, however subtly. I don’t want to be unloved.
I’m sitting here crying and crying. Who am I? What am I going to do? Who will I be?
I don’t want to face this. I don’t want to accept this.
I feel like I am a monster.
By the way, she said I qualify for the class. I’ll go register tomorrow and start next week.