My past couple of posts have been about being sad, being unhappy, and when I read back through my blog, it sound so very, very sad and depressing.
I’m not always sad! I’m sad a lot more than I want to be, but I am not always sad!
I have my 2 beautiful daughters and I love them so very much. And they love me, too. I am so thankful for the close relationship I have with them and that they have with each other.
When it’s not too cold in the winter or too humid in the summer, I love to work in my garden. My garden is therapeutic to me. I love my plants, my flowers, the bees, butterflies, hummingbirds and frogs that come to my garden.
I like my job. If it weren’t for the fact that I need more money, and something more challenging, I wouldn’t leave my job. I like the job itself, and I like my co-workers. In fact, I’m going out with one of them tonight – we’re going to go get our nails done.
I do have friends. I don’t really get to spend much time with them, though, because most of them live in other states. We mostly just email occasionally. I also make friends with cashiers in stores so I have friends sprinkled around the city that I get to chat with when I go shopping. I would like friends to hang out with, though.
I like working on my house – painting and decorating. Except that I feel really, really stupid painting a house whose roof leaks and whose floor is rotting. Re-arranging chairs on the Titanic.
I love getting together with my siblings, even though it doesn’t happen quite often enough.
I like to exercise. I don’t like to make myself exercise, but I do like to exercise. I’d like to make enough money one day to be able to afford a gym membership and yoga classes. And a regularly scheduled massage!!!
I like other things, too: music, dancing, hiking, good movies, books, I don’t know, all kinds of things!
I do have a life outside of my marriage. Which is good, since I don’t really have a marriage.
It’s just that I have this hole in the very middle of me, the empty spot in me that was where my soulmate was supposed to go. The mom part of me is filled, the employee part of me is basically filled, the homemaker/creative part of me is basically filled. Me, just me and only me, is lost somewhere. And, like I said, there is the spot where my soulmate was supposed to be.
I’ll keep looking for the me part of me that got lost in this toxic relationship.