3 a.m. thoughts

Lunch went o.k.  No conflict. Externally.  Tolerable conversation. Mostly.  Scrabble went o.k.  He won, thanks to me showing him “quiz” over a triple-word-score, resulting in 66 points.  He beat me by 50.  So today was outwardly pleasant enough between us.  The pessimist in me is waiting….

It’s starting to storm outside.  In the past months, the tarp on our leaking roof has already been shifted by winds, so it’s not stretched flat and the pieces of wood holding it down are slipping.  I keep wondering when its going to get blown enough that the water will leak down through our ceiling again and onto our bed.

I have to change the whole house water filter about every other week because it gets too clogged and we seriously loose what water pressure we have.  The well leaks.  I mentioned to him that I read that it is not good for sediment to get into the water heater and into the washing machine.  He said he would flush the water heater.  But, of course, we can’t afford to do anything about the well.

I guess I’m in a sexless marriage now.  There’s never been enough sex for me, not even in the early years.  Then it dwindled to, maybe, twice month for years, then once a month, then not even that.  And now, even though I still want sex, I can’t stand to have sex with him, so ….  a sexless marriage.  Not sure how that’s gonna work.  I don’t want to never have sex again.  I feel like I am not a woman anymore.   Maybe a housekeeper.  Still my girls’ mom.  But not really a beautiful, loved woman.  Maybe I never was.

On that depressing thought, I’ll go back to bed.

Oh, there are frogs singing outside.  They aren’t supposed to show up until spring, so I hope coming cold won’t kill them.  I like the frogs in my garden.

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This entry was posted in emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to 3 a.m. thoughts

  1. Paula says:

    It got to the point where the Narcissist in my life simply repulsed me. I couldn’t look at hm without getting disgusted and nauseous. We deserve happy and healthy relationships, and sex is a part of them.

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