This morning I woke up depressed. Again. Nothing new here.
As I was lying in bed feeling depressed, I was thinking that ten years from now, I will probably still wake up feeling depressed, because nothing will have changed. The marriage won’t be any better. I figure with all I’ve said over all these years, if he still hasn’t gotten a clue, he never will. We still won’t have any money. (Oh, last night he said something about wanting to make more money, so I asked him how he was going to that. He said, “Send you to work.” Then he said he was just kidding.) The house still won’t be fixed. I still won’t have meaningful conversations. Or sex. Etc., etc., etc.
Last night, part of a comment left on my blog said, “Always follow the path that feeds your soul…”
I receive WONDERFUL comments on my blog and I am thankful to each and every one of you who read my blog and leave such great comments! :)
So back to this phrase – follow the path that feeds your soul. I was taught growing up, and have basically lived my life this way, that you always serve everyone else. You don’t do what pleases you, what helps you, because that would be selfish.
But now I am dying. I am dying mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Probably physically, too.
I was trying to think what would feed my soul. That’s really hard to think about when you are depressed. I just feel like I am in fog. I keep telling myself I will feel better when I go back to work, because I will be out of the house, I will be with my co-workers who are my friends.
I think it would feed my soul if I had a soulmate. It would help me a little if I worked in my garden. I’d like to dance. I’d really like to feel at peace about my life. I know my life will never be perfect, but I do think it is possible to have an acceptance about, a peace about life that I do not have.
Sometimes I see no point in living anymore. I have no hope for my future. I don’t see myself ever having a soulmate. All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother. And that’s pretty much done. I’ve been trying to think about what I want for the second half of my life. I’ve written about working so I will actually have a chance at surviving financially for the second half of my life. I think I need to find a place to volunteer. I’d like to have more friends, to go out more. And I really, really do wish I could have a soulmate, someone to truly share life with, not just two people putting up with each others’ stupidity.
But mostly, I just feel like giving up.
Next week I start the workshop I signed up for about finding a profitable job. It’s about stuff like networking and job fairs and resumes and interviews and the like. Maybe getting out of the house for 3 days a week for 3 weeks will help cheer me up. And then not too long after that I will go back to my job. And look for a new job.
Are you sure there isn’t a tall, dark, handsome, rich, knight in shining armor, riding on a white horse coming to rescue me?