depressed ramblings

This morning I woke up depressed.  Again.  Nothing new here.

As I was lying in bed feeling depressed, I was thinking that ten years from now, I will probably still wake up feeling depressed, because nothing will have changed.  The marriage won’t be any better.  I figure with all I’ve said over all these years, if he still hasn’t gotten a clue, he never will.  We still won’t have any money. (Oh, last night he said something about wanting to make more money, so I asked him how he was going to that.  He said, “Send you to work.”  Then he said he was just kidding.)  The house still won’t be fixed.  I still won’t have meaningful conversations.  Or sex.  Etc., etc., etc.

Last night, part of a comment left on my blog said, “Always follow the path that feeds your soul…”

I receive WONDERFUL comments on my blog and I am thankful to each and every one of you who read my blog and leave such great comments!  :)

So back to this phrase – follow the path that feeds your soul.  I was taught growing up, and have basically lived my life this way, that you always serve everyone else.  You don’t do what pleases you, what helps you, because that would be selfish.

But now I am dying.  I am dying mentally, emotionally, spiritually.   Probably physically, too.

I was trying to think what would feed my soul.  That’s really hard to think about when you are depressed.  I just feel like I am in fog.  I keep telling myself I will feel better when I go back to work, because I will be out of the house, I will be with my co-workers who are my friends.

I think it would feed my soul if I had a soulmate.  It would help me a little if I worked in my garden.  I’d like to dance.  I’d really like to feel at peace about my life.  I know my life will never be perfect, but I do think it is possible to have an acceptance about, a peace about life that I do not have.

Sometimes I see no point in living anymore.  I have no hope for my future.  I don’t see myself ever having a soulmate.  All I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother.  And that’s pretty much done.  I’ve been trying to think about what I want for the second half of my life.  I’ve written about working so I will actually have a chance at surviving financially for the second half of my life.  I think I need to find a place to volunteer.  I’d like to have more friends, to go out more.  And I really, really do wish I could have a soulmate, someone to truly share life with, not just two people putting up with each others’ stupidity.

But mostly, I just feel like giving up.

Next week I start the workshop I signed up for about finding a profitable job.  It’s about stuff like networking and job fairs and resumes and interviews and the like.  Maybe getting out of the house for 3 days a week for 3 weeks will help cheer me up.  And then not too long after that I will go back to my job.  And look for a new job.

Are you sure there isn’t a tall, dark, handsome, rich, knight in shining armor, riding on a white horse coming to rescue me?

This entry was posted in emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to depressed ramblings

  1. it sounds like you’re a bit dissociative, which usually accompanies emotional abuse. being dissociative is a good coping mechanism while you’re in the relationship, but it’s hard to see clearly what to do or whether or not to leave, all that kind of stuff. keep blogging and trying to see clearly – you will!

  2. Paula says:

    You need to become your own soulmate to yourself. The idea of a soulmate is very romantic but unrealistic. To be true soulmates, two people meet and grow together. Their ideas are shared; their understanding of parenting and nurture are equal. They live blissfully happily ever after. It’s BS! All we need is to have our own interests and love of life so we can share with someone who also wants to share his interests and love of life. You’ll banter, argue, love, grow apart, grow closer, eat together, sleep together, eat apart, and sleep apart. It an independent relationship, not a co-dependent one. In the end, we only have ourselves to love. Like they say, “We’re born alone. We die alone. Everything in between is up to us.” :)

  3. Dub Riley says:

    I’m so sorry to sense your pain. I don’t think it is helpful when people offer advice when you’re dealing with this level of pain. Empathy is helpful. Just knowing others care is helpful. Perhaps knowing that you’re not going through this alone can be therapeutic.

    It may sound a little bizarre but the ancient Chinese masters taught a technique to release harmful emotions from our primary organs. They taught that we store grief in our lungs. It is natural to feel sad sometimes. Not only is it OK to have an aching heart, but it is necessary to grieve. But what can be especially dangerous is to hold on to grief, or for that matter other emotions such as anger, fear, worry or negativity.

    You are taking an important step by reaching out. Please continue to seek the solution to your pain. I’ve just recently started a blog to teach simple techniques to release sadness, called Letting Go of Sadness. I hope you’ll visit there and share your stories. When others read about your journey, they’ll be given a sense of hope, by finding a network of others who care.

    I wish you wellness and healing.

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