Last night I attended the first of four classes on self-esteem at the Women’s Resource Center. One of the activities was to pick a card that pictured you/your self-esteem at the moment. There were lots of cards with different kinds of pictures on them. Unusual pictures.
The one I chose was of skulls and bones. I didn’t like looking at it so I turned it upside down on the table, but when it was my turn, I explained that I chose it because I feel dead inside.
I don’t know what it is about saying it out loud. I know I’ve written, at least sort of, something like that on my blog, but actually saying it seemed to do something.
When I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel as dead inside.
This afternoon, I had sort of a set-to with my husband, so when that was over, I was feeling kinda scummy. As usual. And then the UPS man came with a package I had to sign for. I was wearing what I call my “sloppy clothes.” This is what I usually wear around the house. It consists of men’s flannel pajama pants and a flannel shirt. Of course, these don’t match. They are very comfortable, but I look like a clown. Today both the pants and the shirt were red, but different plaids. Not terribly attractive.
So when I answered the door, he looked spiffy in his UPS uniform and I looked so slouchy. I don’t even think I brushed my hair this morning; I just braided it. I guess it really didn’t matter to him at all, but it made me feel even worse about myself.
I guess I have lots and lots and lots more self esteem work to do.