Last night I attended the first of four classes on self-esteem at the Women’s Resource Center.  One of the activities was to pick a card that pictured you/your self-esteem at the moment.  There were lots of cards with different kinds of pictures on them.  Unusual pictures.

The one I chose was of skulls and bones.  I didn’t like looking at it so I turned it upside down on the table, but when it was my turn, I explained that I chose it because I feel dead inside.

I don’t know what it is about saying it out loud.  I know I’ve written, at least sort of, something like that on my blog, but actually saying it seemed to do something.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel as dead inside.

This afternoon, I had sort of a set-to with my husband, so when that was over, I was feeling kinda scummy.  As usual.  And then the UPS man came with a package I had to sign for.  I was wearing what I call my “sloppy clothes.”  This is what I usually wear around the house.  It consists of men’s flannel pajama pants and a flannel shirt.  Of course, these don’t match.  They are very comfortable, but I look like a clown.  Today both the pants and the shirt were red, but different plaids.  Not terribly attractive.

So when I answered the door, he looked spiffy in his UPS uniform and I looked so slouchy.  I don’t even think I brushed my hair this morning; I just braided it.  I guess it really didn’t matter to him at all, but it made me feel even worse about myself.

I guess I have lots and lots and lots more self esteem work to do.

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