Just another day

I sit here and cry.

“God, please help me.”

But I know He is not going to ride up on a white horse and wave a magic wand and make it all better.  That’s not how He operates.

I don’t even know what “help” I am asking.  I don’t know the question that I need an answer for.  What is the right question?

I hate my marriage.  It is so sad and lonely and empty.  Last night I talked to him about everyday stuff, like the classes I am taking and some of the nice people in my class and a nice thing someone said to me.  But it was still empty.  I knew he was upset about something.  But, of course, he never said.  And even though he responded to what I was saying, I don’t know how to explain it, it was still empty.

And I want sex.  I really want sex.  I want to touch and be touched.  To kiss.  To love.  To be connected.  To feel the pleasure.  I am almost willing to take the risk of trying it again with him, but I don’t know if I can do that to myself.

I wish I had a “friend.”  A soulmate.  I know I have to be my own best friend.  And no one can come rescue me.  I have to rescue myself.  But I sure would like that wonderful feeling of being special to someone special, of that connection, of that sharing.  Even though we do have to take care of ourselves, we weren’t meant to be alone.  Yes, I have my daughters.  I have siblings.  I have a few girlfriends.  I have co-workers who are friends.   But I really would like somebody special.

Sometimes I wonder if my husband ever again could be that somebody special for me.  But I don’t know.   He is who he is.  And I’ve been thinking, if he doesn’t want to change who he is, which is o.k., then I don’t know if things ever can be good between us.   I don’t know how.

Last night I was wishing that things could just be right with us.   In some ways I accept that things aren’t right, but other times, I think I have a really hard time accepting that things just are not good between us.  I think I am afraid of that, afraid of what that means.  Afraid of where that is going.

Sometimes I think the hardest part is that he is “nice.”  But yesterday I was thinking, is completely ignoring your children “nice?”  Is not addressing house repairs “nice?”  Is having sex with your wife when she is crying “nice?”  Is ignoring what your wife needs to discuss “nice?”  Is not working on a way to have money for retirement “nice?”

Not so nice, huh?

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8 Responses to Just another day

  1. makingredwishes says:

    I was so there about two years ago…. sadly two years later I am in the same place and one affair later (looking for that friend that loved me perfectly until his wife found out) I am still in the same loveless marriage, yet now with a broken heart. Good luck, if you ever need to talk to another person in a similar marriage, please email me… feel free to read my blog too although its based on my huge sin. :(


  2. I also was so there. For 20 years. I’ve been married 25 years this June. I read your blogs and so much want to help you because I identify with every post you’ve ever written. I would like to if you are willing. I have been in recovery for 5 years in a program called Celebrate Recovery, a Christ-centered 12-step program. It changed my life and my marriage. I’ve sponsored 5 women and have just begun sponsoring 2 more. Each of them were/are just like you, just like me. I had to do really hard work to let God heal me and change me, not for my marriage, but for me, and it was the only hope my marriage had in surviving. It made my marriage worse for a few years – it had to get worse before it got better, but I had to be willing to face that because I just couldn’t do it anymore the way it was. Engaging in “good behaviors” doesn’t change the marriage (i.e. being submissive, dressing up for your husband, doing everything “unto the Lord,” listening better, etc. – and all of the things you said the other day about others telling you what worked for them), unless and until we are healed inside. All of those things just lead to more hurt, pain, resentment, and damage inside. As we do the recovery work to heal, it forces our spouses hand, they either have to begin looking at themselves, or they will leave the marriage, because a healthy spouse just doesn’t work for them where they’re at. I know this may sound simplistic, but it isn’t. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life (and I was a 30-year codependent and food addiction, among other issues). In those 20 years I attended Al-Anon and had loads and loads of books about Adult Children of Alcoholics, Codependency, and Christian living, attended bible studies, prayed incessantly, yelled, cried, and pleaded, and went to marriage counseling. And nothing changed. God through this program has been it, the answer for me. I do have a blog: sabrenastolze.com, but I currently only have 3 posts. I’ve just started and have a really, really hard time finding the time to work on it because I am a student, a Training Coach for our Celebrate Recovery and speak at our marriage conference on just these types of issues, which is coming up on March 3rd. I’ve read your blogs for a while and commented once, but very briefly, and have just wished very much to be able to do something to help you. However, I do not “fix” people anymore (which I did in my codependency), and didn’t know how to reach out without fixing. So, I will not try to push you to interact, but want you to know that you can email me and that I would love to begin a conversation if you’re interested.

    • Sabrena, first I want to say thank you so much for writing all of this to me. I appreciate it very much! I just started going back to Al Anon after not attending for probably about 8 or 9 months. Before that I had attended for almost a year. The first time I attended, I was making a LOT of progress. Then something happened and I stopped attending for awhile, but I’m back now. Last spring, my mom gave me a book titled, “The Twelve Steps – A Spiritual Journey” that is based on scriptures, but I looked and I don’t think it is what is used in Celebrate Recovery. I haven’t started on the book she gave me. I hadn’t heard of Celebrate Recovery before.

      I’m not sure how to explain this, but I’ll give it a try. All my life I have struggled to one degree or another in my relationship with God. And right now, I feel like I am at the lowest point I’ve ever been in that struggle. And even though I do feel like I have reached the bottom in that (for now) and it is slowly, very slowly, turning, I don’t yet feel ready for a Christ-centered 12 step program. I don’t know if that makes sense to you. I appreciate very much you reaching out to me and it is so good to know that you are there, that a Christ-centered 12 step program is there when I am ready for that. I feel like there are some things I need to figure out for myself, to know that I know, before I am brave enough, strong enough to face that challenge. Like I said, I don’t know if that make sense to you, but I sincerely appreciate you reaching out to me, and for letting me know of this program. Thank you.

      • Sabrena Stolze says:

        It makes total sense to me! I know what it’s like to not know yourself, know what you want, know what you believe, and on and on. So I get it. You may have noticed, but my blog is subtitled: Free to me. Finally. Because that’s all I ever wanted was freedom to be me, but I didn’t know who that was, or how to be that person. I know the journey of just wanting to figure things out. And the fact that you want to, means that you probably will. In CR one my favorite lines in the participants guides is we don’t start recovering until our pain is greater than our fear. Only then do we have the courage to face the challenge, as you said. I’m glad to hear that things are turning for you with God. And man, I know about “slowly.” This process has seemed to take forever. It’s something all of us in recovery struggle with, the amount of time it all takes. I’ll be in prayer for you and your Al-Anon group. One thing I’ve learned, it’s just important that we’re doing something towards working a recovery. Whatever it is. If we’re not moving forward in growth and understanding, we’re moving backwards. There’s no standstill spot. Codependency is so multi-layered, confusing, and very, very difficult to change. In 5 years of intensive work, it’s still my knee-jerk reaction to life, my kids, my friends, at work, and towards my husband, but the amazing part is how much change has happened inside of me that I never thought was possible after 40 years of dysfunction and chaos.

        You’re right about the book you have, it isn’t something CR uses. Their curriculum is 4 participants guides that you go through when doing a step study, and there is a Celebrate Recovery Bible and Journal as well. They don’t allow any outside curriculum. The participants guides have lessons on each of the 12 steps and 8 recovery principles that have questions that you answer and then go over in group. The guides take you through “working the steps” including doing an inventory. They’re available through Amazon and christianbook.com. We actually tell our attenders that you don’t have to be in a 12 step to work through them, you can do them alone, they’re just more effective in the groups.

        I wish you great success in figuring things out. Please feel free to email me if you ever want to just ask a question. I’m an open book about my life and process, and talking with other women who share the same struggles as I have is what my life is about now. And I love it. Of course, no pressure whatsoever to do so! If that’s no something your interested in, I totally respect that. God Bless.

  3. wow, you got two very very empathetic and nice responses!
    mine is much more simple: no, not so nice.

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