I sit here and cry.
“God, please help me.”
But I know He is not going to ride up on a white horse and wave a magic wand and make it all better. That’s not how He operates.
I don’t even know what “help” I am asking. I don’t know the question that I need an answer for. What is the right question?
I hate my marriage. It is so sad and lonely and empty. Last night I talked to him about everyday stuff, like the classes I am taking and some of the nice people in my class and a nice thing someone said to me. But it was still empty. I knew he was upset about something. But, of course, he never said. And even though he responded to what I was saying, I don’t know how to explain it, it was still empty.
And I want sex. I really want sex. I want to touch and be touched. To kiss. To love. To be connected. To feel the pleasure. I am almost willing to take the risk of trying it again with him, but I don’t know if I can do that to myself.
I wish I had a “friend.” A soulmate. I know I have to be my own best friend. And no one can come rescue me. I have to rescue myself. But I sure would like that wonderful feeling of being special to someone special, of that connection, of that sharing. Even though we do have to take care of ourselves, we weren’t meant to be alone. Yes, I have my daughters. I have siblings. I have a few girlfriends. I have co-workers who are friends. But I really would like somebody special.
Sometimes I wonder if my husband ever again could be that somebody special for me. But I don’t know. He is who he is. And I’ve been thinking, if he doesn’t want to change who he is, which is o.k., then I don’t know if things ever can be good between us. I don’t know how.
Last night I was wishing that things could just be right with us. In some ways I accept that things aren’t right, but other times, I think I have a really hard time accepting that things just are not good between us. I think I am afraid of that, afraid of what that means. Afraid of where that is going.
Sometimes I think the hardest part is that he is “nice.” But yesterday I was thinking, is completely ignoring your children “nice?” Is not addressing house repairs “nice?” Is having sex with your wife when she is crying “nice?” Is ignoring what your wife needs to discuss “nice?” Is not working on a way to have money for retirement “nice?”
Not so nice, huh?