I am so frustrated tonight. Yeah, you’re thinking, so what else is new?
This afternoon we – all four of us – were out somewhere and my oldest daughter started to feel unwell. So she went out to the van to lie down. On the way home, my husband asked her, calling her by name, asked her if she wanted to take a detour to go under a particular bridge. Now, we are often in this area, so it is not like this is the only time we would ever get to do this. No, this is the day when she does not feel well. She tells him, no, she doesn’t feel well and just wants to go home. I asked him, didn’t you know she wasn’t feeling well? He said, yes, he did know, that was why he asked.
Hello??? Your daughter doesn’t feel well so you ask her if she wants to take the longer way home?????
Oh, did I mention that this morning, she had a “heart-to-heart” with him about some of the things he had done that hurt her. I don’t know much of what was said. She hasn’t shared it with me yet, although she did tell me a couple of things. Of course, he hasn’t said a word to me about it.
Then, “co-incidentally,” he asks her if she wants to take the long road home when she is sick. That seems rather p.a. to me.
And tonight. I went to rent a movie at Red Box. After I got back, he left to go stay with his mom again. So, my daughters and I are watching the movie. Halfway through, the phone starts ringing. I go to look at it, and it is a message from him. Now, we don’t have a land line. He has a cell phone, I have a cell phone, my oldest daughter has a cell phone, and we have cell phone that is the “house phone.” Which phone does he text? My phone which is in my room where I will see the message when I get ready to go to bed? No. Of course not. It is the “house phone” that will ring and interrupt us watching the movie. How kind and sweet and loving and so very considerate. (That was sarcasm, in case you didn’t catch it.)
I am so sick of this this! Yes, I know I keep saying that. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I can’t do this for much longer. But I also can’t leave. I can imagine myself getting a job to support myself. I can imagine living by myself, well, with my younger daughter. (My older daughter is talking about moving to another state. I know it is time, or almost time, but it still makes me sad to think about her not being with me.) But I can’t imagine telling him that I am moving out, that I am leaving. I can’t do that.
It’s strange, isn’t it? I put up with him hurting me over and over and over, but I can’t stand the thought of hurting him.
I need help.