I’m afraid.

I’m afraid of things – the marriage – staying the same.

I’m afraid of change, of moving on, of moving away from the marriage.

I’m afraid of staying where I am financially.

I’m afraid of a new job.

I am afraid no one will want me, not in business, not in my personal life.

I’m afraid I’ll never have sex again.

I’m afraid I’ll die an old woman without ever having had amazing sex.

I’m afraid I’ll never be close to anyone.

I’m afraid I’ll be close to the wrong person.

I’m afraid that I have wasted my life.

I’m afraid that I haven’t given my daughters what they need, that they will screw up their lives because my life has been a mess.

I’m afraid of failure.

I’m afraid of success.

I’m afraid of fear.

And I am afraid of hope.

I think I need a little more courage and a little more confidence.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

21 Responses to Fear

  1. Your words and feelings gave me chills, they hit me right in my heart. I hurt for you as well as myself. How is feeling this way living? Why do we stay stuck in this mess, this abyss of nothingness? I look at mine as if he were a bottom feeder, a leech, something that is sucking the life out me, destroying the life I built for myself, taking everything he can get his hands on and giving nothing. My skin crawls lately, I can’t do this much longer. You and I, we are stuck somewhere, but under all the grief, we are still there just waiting to be free. But how?

    • I agree – how indeed is this living? Yes, just waiting to be free. I guess we have to fight to be free. But I am afraid of the fight. I really am. I am afraid of the unknown, afraid of failing. I’m also afraid – what if this is the best there is for me? What if there is nothing else for me? What if it is out of the frying pan into the fire?

      • I know exactly how you feel, that is why I am still in the same position I have been in for years..I am so mad at myself for letting him back into our lives, I didn’t realize how good my life was without him for those 4 years. I was “myself”, I smiled, laughed, played around with my kids, my home was my place of refuge, my peace and quiet, my comfort zone..Now, I feel hostility and anger, I am physically sick since he is back, it is just terrible..But like you, I am afraid of change, I just don’t know what to do

      • Is he adding anything at all to your life? From your blog, I know that you are the one working, or have been, and not him. Is he helping any at all with your son? Somehow you had the courage and strength to get rid of him before, right? And now you see that you were good for those 4 years. I wish so badly that I had the answer for you! I really do ache for you. Sometimes I think that if I just keep going that one day everything will become crystal clear and I will know exactly what I need to do. And I will be ready to do it. I don’t know if that is denial, as in not facing things squarely right now, or if it is just waiting for the timing to be right. But I also feel like I am wasting so much of my time, my life, waiting for something to be “right.” I read on another blog, “Things change. Doesn’t mean they get better. You gotta make things better. You can’t just keep talking and hoping for the best.” I don’t know. I wish I was braver. I wish I was wiser. I wish I had more to offer.

  2. Yio'-ta says:

    Fear is what keeps Love out. Fear is what keeps us from freedom and living. I know it’s overwhelming but start with baby steps. Tackle on little fear one day at a time. You will see great things happen when you release fear and allow love to enter you… self-love. I know you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but have faith and believe… It ALWAYS gets better after the wave. Trust me. I’ve had many waves in life… More like tsunamis… and it ALWAYS got better with faith and perseverance and letting go of fear.

    • I keep telling myself that better things are coming, but I don’t really see how. I am afraid to go forward. What if this is the best there is for me? I really am scared right now. I think I know what I want, but I am scared to try to get there. I know I need to start with a better paying job, but I am scared to leave the job I have now because I like where I work. I did find a suit to buy today, so I guess that is a baby step. I need to get my hair trimmed, but I don’t want to. I know that sounds silly, but I really don’t want to cut my hair.

      • Yio'-ta says:

        You will get what you BELIEVE you are worth. If you don’t believe you are worth more or that better is out there and you will settle for what you have now and you a reinforcing the cycle. Self-fulling prophecy. You are holding yourself back and because of that you think that the UNIVERSE just doesn’t have a great plan for you. You are actually getting in your own way and when you can face that and accept it, you will get out of the way, trust the UNIVERSE and let the great things happen that you KNOW and BELIEVE you deserve. You are no greater or less than anyone else on this planet. You deserve all the greatness that anyone else out there has. From what I sense you have had this idea of not being good enough basically your entire life so you will make choices based on that ideation. Correct?

      • Yes, I have felt not good enough my whole entire life. I have always believed that I am worthless. I really don’t know how to think any differently. Yes, I haven’t believed that there is a plan for my life. Yes, I make self-defeating decisions. I don’t know what else to say. You are right.

      • Yio'-ta says:

        I know this because I was and still am (at times) the same way. Trust me… Our way of thinking is completed unhealthy and skewed. We see through a lens that was given to us from such a young age. For example… imagine being an infant and your parents put contacts in your eyes but they were tinted red. Everything you saw was red and you assumed everyone else saw it the same way. The green grass was a shade of red, the blue sky was a shade of red. When others talked about “green” and “blue” you thought they were referring to what you thought “green” and “blue” were. But they weren’t the same. Then, one day, your an adult and someone suggests that maybe you aren’t seeing things clearly. So you discover you have these contacts, you take them out and what happens?????

        You are almost blinded by the overwhelming colors of the rainbow. You have a stir of emotions… You are happy because you finally get to see what everyone has been talking about. But, you may get angry that you missed out on all that color all this time. All the colors can seem overwhelming and you’re afraid you don’t have what it takes to live in a colorful world so you keep putting in those red contacts. You take them off once in a while, in secret, just to get one more glimpse of the colors but your fear makes you put them back on. Long analogy, but do you get where I’m going with this?

  3. Yes. I’ve been questioning a lot that I grew up believing. It’s scary, actually, because I’ve based my whole life on “seeing red,” so it really is hard to see anything else. I doubt myself so much. As if you couldn’t tell! :)

  4. Yio'-ta says:

    Where do you think your idea of not being good idea comes from? What’s your earliest memory of feeling that way?

    • When I was two, my mom was deathly ill, and I was sent away to live with another family for about six months. I think that poor little two year old girl thought that her mom being sick was her fault. I think being sent away from everything she’d ever known really hurt that little girl. Several years ago, our pony got her leg caught in wire. When I was going down to her to see what had happened, all my brain could think was that if I had been good enough, this wouldn’t have happened. If I had been good enough… We ended up losing the pony. It hurt so bad that we lost her. At the time she was hurt, I couldn’t get over that it was my fault for not being good enough. In talking with a naturopathic practitioner at the time, she said that my thoughts were replaying what had happened when I was a little girl and my mom was sick.

  5. Yio'-ta says:

    That’s wonderful insight. Now, that same feeling you felt at 2 years old still comes up to this day when something negative happens, correct? That means that 2 year old child has not healed. Have you ever noticed yourself in a grown woman’s body ( I don’t know how old you are) but react as a child? Do you have child-like tendencies when you react to stress? We all have different parts within us and when these parts are traumatized at a certain stage, they get stuck. Our body continues to grow, we get older in years, but our mentality and coping mechanisms are stunted at the earliest age of trauma (if it wasn’t healed).

    What have you done to nurture this 2 year old child?

    • When I feel stressed, I keep it inside of me, not really addressing it as I should, although I am MUCH better at speaking up than I used to be. Also, I cry. Not in front of anybody, unless it is someone I am close to, but crying is an outlet for me.

      And the two year old child? I haven’t nurtured her. I don’t know how to. I’ve told her that she is fat and ugly and stupid and I don’t forgive her for the things she does wrong. More and more I try to be kind to her and tell her that I love her and that she is beautiful. But I don’t think she can hear that. Mostly I just give her chocolate to keep her quiet.

      • Yio'-ta says:

        Sorry it took so long for me to reply…. This is something that I have experienced personally so I hope that I can share what I’ve learned with you.

        Now, can you do me a favor and find a picture of a two year old little girl on Google and tell the little girl that she is “fat, stupid, and ugly.” I betting you will have a difficult time doing that. I also want you to tell the 2 year old that she is horrible and should “know better” and is responsible for all the bad that happens in the world.

        I think you get my point. The only way she will heal is if you listen to her story and have compassion for her. It wasn’t her fault. You have to reassure her of that. All she ever wanted was to be a little girl, but that was taken away.

      • When I read this comment, I just cried and cried and cried. That little girl has been so sad for so long. And so afraid. So afraid that no one loves her, that no one wants her.

      • Yio'-ta says:

        I know. It’s ok. Cry. How can someone want her and love her when you don’t even want her or love her? You don’t even stick up for her. If you don’t believe in her, you will attract others who fit your mentality. Starting today, do something to show her Love. <3

      • I do want to love her. I’m afraid it’s “wrong” to love her. That probably doesn’t make sense.

      • Yio'-ta says:

        How could it ever be wrong to love a part of yourself? Could you look at a 2 year old and say it’s wrong to love them? I know how you feel though but think about it in those terms.

      • Yio'-ta says:

        When you have time, listen to this book at your pace. It’s broken into two audio clips.

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