Life on hold

Sometimes I read other blogs on “Freshly Pressed,” which is part of  People out there are doing amazing things.  It makes me feel like my life is really scummy, like I am doing absolutely nothing with my life.

So often I feel like I want something more for my life.  But I don’t know what.  I don’t know how to define that “something more.”  And I guess if I don’t know what that “something more” is, I will never do whatever it is.

I feel like all of my life I have been waiting.   Waiting for what, I don’t know.  Just waiting.  Waiting for things to get better, I guess.  Waiting to see if I will end up with a happy marriage.  Just waiting.  I have felt like I have responsibilities.  You know, raise my children, be a good wife, take care of my house.  Well, my older one is basically grown and my younger one is almost grown.  My marriage, well, my marriage is a pathetic failure.  I’ve tried to take care of my house.  I do my housework, and I’ve worked on improving the house, but the house itself is falling apart, as you well know, if you read my blog much.

Part of me wants to look for a better paying job.  I like the job I have.  But I don’t make enough money there and sometimes I do wish I had a more challenging job.  My job is almost like playing. It’s also seasonal, so I’m not working right now.  I don’t want to look for another job because I am afraid I won’t like my next job.  I don’t know why I think that I will have to take a job I don’t like.  I’ve always pretty much liked the jobs I’ve had in my life.  I don’t know why I get scared that the next one will be terrible.  I don’t know why I can’t see myself in a good job, a well-paying job that is fulfilling and that I enjoy.

My older daughter is talking about moving to another state this summer.  If she does, then I will need – and want – to help her move.  If I am taking classes toward that better paying job, or if I already have that better paying job, then I won’t be able to take the time I want to to help her move.  So, do I put my life on hold, yet again, until the end of summer so I can help her move?

I keep thinking that “tomorrow” will be better.  Maybe I won’t be such a basket case by the end of the summer and I will be better able to take the class I need to and get the job I want.  I’m really depressed right now.  I feel so trapped and frustrated and unhappy.  I guess I am the only one who can get me out of this pit, but I don’t know how to.   I don’t know what to do for myself.

I don’t think there really is anything I can do right now.  It’s too cold and depressing to work in a garden that I may be leaving.  I’d love to paint my walls because my bedroom and bathroom are so ugly, but what’s the point of painting a house whose roof is leaking and floor is seriously rotting?  Yeah, I could do housework.  But, really.  I don’t know about looking for another job right now.  I don’t have a relationship with my husband, but since I am married, I can’t really have a relationship with someone else.  And the part of me that wants a relationship hurts so badly right now.

So, I’m kinda feeling like a failure right now.

Why am I so afraid that things won’t work out for me?  That I will always be stuck?  Why can’t I see myself being happy and successful in my life?

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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