Always lurking

This is another t.m.i. post.

I’ve been really depressed the past couple of weeks.  And, as I mentioned in a previous post, when I am down and out, he is much more kind and considerate.  He’s rubbed my feet.  He picked daffodils for me.  (They smell wonderful.)   There hasn’t been any p.a. stuff going on, and I was feeling a little more relaxed around him.

I was even thinking about having sex with him again.  But I didn’t say anything about it.

Yesterday evening I felt so happy about having the mentor that I do for my work/career/job search project and so I told him about it and was exited about it and he said all the right things.

He was affectionate while we watched t.v. last night and I was fairly comfortable with it.

So, I get into bed and he says,

“I know you want sex, so you can just get on top of me and do whatever you want to me.

Or I can make passionate love to you.

Or we can do nothing at all.”

Really?  Really?

That is just so close and caring and intimate.  Thank you for deigning, for lowering yourself to allow me to use your body.  That really makes me feel special.

Have I ever mentioned (the answer is yes) that passive aggressive men do not make love to you.  They will have sex with you, but they will not make love.  Sex is a control thing or a punishing thing (by withholding.  Or forcing it, if you don’t want it.)  It is not a way to draw closer, to deepen the relationship.  A passive aggressive man cannot bear to be close to you emotionally.

So here he is offering sex in a very, very detached way.  Not a close, intimate, loving way.  And, of course, not committing himself that he has the desire.

I had been lulled, for the past couple of weeks, into thinking that maybe things would be o.k.; maybe the passive aggressive behavior was subsiding. What was I thinking?

No, I didn’t have sex with him last night.  I could have until he said what he did and I told him that, too.  Of course, he said he was really sorry.  Of course.  I did have sex with him this morning and survived.  I didn’t cry at the time.  But I did later.

As long as I stay in the marriage, I will face passive aggressive behavior.  Period.  That’s just the nature of the beast.  I gotta remember that, no matter how different it seems.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Always lurking

  1. Allie says:

    I found your Blog today. OMG I am stuck in the same situation. I have realized it for some time. My heart is just bleeding for you. We have been together for 23 years, married for 18. I, like you, am tired of the covert abuse, the crazy making, chain yanking, victimized and childlike behavior of my Passive Aggressive husband. I am going to have to work on myself. (at 44, standing up for myself) I wil get out someday. Our daughter is 11.5. She has been victimized already by his PA behavior. I am praying that we make it through to the other side. I have wished on many, many occassions, that he hit me. So that I would have reason to leave and people would see the visible abuse. I have shared a lot of the trials with my family and while I am in Minnesota and they are in Florida, I know I have their support no matter what. I hope our Snake Charmers (which is what they really are) get what they deserve. Stay safe, thank you for sharing your story.

    • Hi, Thank you for your comment! Please get out as soon as you possibly can. Our daughters are 17 and 22 and this has hurt them so, so much. You do have a reason to leave. You don’t need to be hit to leave. You see the abuse, your daughter sees the abuse. I am glad you have the support of your family. If you like to read, there are two really good books. One is called Boundaries. The other one is called Necessary Endings. Both are by Dr. Henry Cloud. But please, be brave and leave.

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