“Our deepest need is to belong, to be in a relationship, … Love means relationship – the caring, committed connection of one individual to another. … our most central need is to be connected. …. other people outside ourselves to bond with, trust, and go to for support.
“We are built for relationship. Attachment is the foundation of the soul’s existence. When this foundation is cracked or faulty, boundaries become impossible to develop. Why? Because when we lack relationship, we have nowhere to go in a conflict. When we are not secure that we are loved, we are forced to choose between two bad options:
1. We set limits and risk losing a relationship. …
2. We don’t set limits and remain a prisoner to the wishes of another. ..
“So the first developmental task of infants is to bond with their mom and dad. They need to learn that they are welcome and safe in the world. To bond with baby, Mom and Dad need to provide a consistent, warm, loving, and predictable emotional environment for him or her….
“Bonding is the prelude. As children learn to feel safe and at home with their primary relationships, they are building good foundations to withstand the separateness and conflict that comes with boundary development.”
So, what happens when the mom becomes deathly ill? And the poor little two year old girl gets sent away to live with another family for six months? And the “consistent, warm, loving, and predictable emotional environment,” her whole world, isn’t there any more?
Yes, my mom lived and I did come back home. But I’ve never felt secure that I am loved.
And maybe I married a man who would help me to continue to never feel secure that I am loved. Because my foundation is cracked.