I want chocolate so bad right now. I want is so, so, so badly!
Chocolate is my comfort, my friend, my lover. But I am on this diet and one of the things I can’t have is chocolate. I could have cocoa powder, but part of the diet is the idea of rethinking the way you think about food. So if I go buy cocoa powder and put it in almond butter, yes, I have a chocolate substitute that is allowable, but I am still using food/chocolate for comfort.
O.K. so now I am going to cry. I really miss chocolate.
This morning he (my husband, not chocolate) asked me to go to the botanical gardens with him. I said no. (Good for me for being honest.) He asked why I was so mad at him. I told him it was because he was a horrible father. He asked what he could do to help. I told him, leave. He didn’t answer that. I don’t remember the order of the rest of the conversation, but he said things like, he was doing the best he could to change, he was praying about it and asking God for wisdom. He asked if he was mean to them and I asked him what he meant by mean. He said, abusive, and I said, yes, he was abusive, neglectful, he basically ignored them for the past seven years [although, in reality, it is much, much longer than that. He’s never really been involved in their lives. The past seven years have just been worse] and he has been down-right rude to the younger one. I told him that he hadn’t given their mother what she needs. I told him he was selfish and self-centered. He said that it hurt him a lot the way things are and that he was trying to change, but that they couldn’t see it because they were always in their rooms. I told him that if he changed, they saw him enough of him that they would know and then maybe would be interested in a relationship with him. He told me he needed me to help him. I told him, NO. I told him he needed to help himself, he needed to go to a counselor and to explain the family situation and to get the help he needed. He said that he asks our daughters how they are doing. But they just go in their rooms. They eat dinner together in one of their rooms. He said we need to eat together as a family. I told him there was no family. He said there was, but it just needed work. I disagreed. I told him he was blaming them and that he needed to take responsibility for himself. He said there was plenty of blame to go around. I asked him why he wouldn’t take responsibility for himself. He never answered that one and then he said he had to go to work.
Anyhow, so now I crave chocolate. I just want love and comfort and to know that somehow my daughters are going to be o.k. That I am going to be o.k.