I’ll miss my garden.  I’ve worked hard on my garden for the seven years I’ve lived here.  I had a grandiose plan for it and every year I got a little closer to my grand plan.  Lots of trial and error.  I had to relearn many aspects of gardening after moving from California.  I loved my garden in California, too.  But, I guess, if/when I leave this garden, I can make another garden where ever I go.  I’ll start smaller next time, though.  But I will miss my garden.  Maybe I’ll get to move to a house rather than an apartment and I can take some of my plants with me.

I went to see Julie, the therapist, today.  It was good.  I really appreciate having her.  At one point, she asked me what there was in the marriage that was worth saving.   Nothing, really.  She asked me what marriage meant to me, and all the things I listed weren’t happening in my marriage.   I asked her, “Are you trying to tell me something?”  She smiled a big smile, but said that she was  just trying to help me think about things; that she didn’t want me to be in denial about my marriage. She asked me, if I was on my death bed, and things had stayed as they are now, would I have regrets.  I told her, yes!  I told her that even five years from now, I do not want things to be the way they are now!   I talked to her about my classes and looking for another job and stuff like that.  She said I was doing great in working on taking care of myself.  She was very encouraging!

I think sometimes I am in denial.  Sometimes I still think that I am the crazy one, that it’s not really so bad, that it will indeed get better.  (But after twenty-four years…?)

Anyhow, I’m glad I went to talk to Julie today.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to thoughts

  1. So good you went to see your therapist…

    Call me impolite and curious -maybe I am- but everywhere on your blog I read about how awful your husband treats you. My first thought was “Why The Heck Is She Staying There?”
    So I would like to know. Of course, I don’t know you or your situation at all, but you seem to be a really nice and interesting person and in my opinion you totally deserve better than what you’re getting… *hug*
    Take care and sorry if I was rude…

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