So why am I still here?

Fear.

And comfort.

“People are more comfortable being uncomfortable than being comfortable, if they have been uncomfortable for an extended period of time. It’s simply an ingrained pattern, and familiarity is more comfortable than novelty.”  ~ David Allen

At the beginning of our marriage, when the relationship wasn’t growing the way I expected a marriage relationship would, I thought, oh, he’s just young.  He needs time to grow into this.  (We were 21 when we got married.)  And I was determined that I wasn’t going to be the proverbial nagging wife.  (I’ve recently learned that there is a difference between nagging and saying what needs to be said.)

As time went on and I had my daughters and they filled a lot of my life even though my marriage was empty, I thought, maybe this is the way it is supposed to be, maybe I expected too much from marriage.  I read all the marriage books I could get my hands on.  I thought that if I was just a better wife, then the marriage would be better.

More time passed.  We moved to another state.  The marriage, which had been gradually getting worse, crashed.

After we moved here, I started thinking that I was going crazy.  Like literally.  Like I was loosing my mind.  Something was wrong with me.

About four years ago, I started having thoughts about leaving.  They weren’t very often.  But something would happen and I would think, when my daughters are gone, I’m leaving.  As time went on, these thoughts became more and more frequent.  I remember visiting my brother, probably about two years ago, although I can’t remember exactly, and telling him that I was going to give it another year and then I was going to leave.  But I didn’t get my ducks in a row and leave.  I’m still here.

About three years ago, I finally figured out that he was passive aggressive and that I wasn’t crazy after all.  Huge relief!  And after learning about passive aggressive behavior, in retrospect I can see that it was there all along.  It just got much, much worse when we moved here.  Next to his parents.  (Which I think is something very important to note.)

Then this past year I have really, really seen that this is not what I want for myself.  This is not what I want for the rest of my life.  This is not how I want to be treated.

But I had a huge question.  Could I, before God, leave my husband.  Was it “okay” to leave?  I had made a covenant before God to be married to this man; could I break that covenant?  I’ve wrestled with this one for months and months and months.

But my marriage isn’t really a marriage.  It is not what I believe God intended marriage to be.  It has been destroying me; it has been destroying my daughters.   There really isn’t much good here at all.

So I’ve  had these fears.  What if it is wrong for me to leave?  What if my life becomes worse after I leave?  (You know, out of the frying pan into the fire.) What if I can’t support myself?  What if I leave and then regret it?  Where will I live?  Where will I work?  What about my pets?  And all my (many) worldly possessions?  Will anyone ever really want me?  Will I be okay alone? Will God hate me?  Will family and friends turn against me?   Really big fears for me.

I mentioned comfort, too.  I am so used to this.  It’s all I’ve known for over half of my life.  I am comfortable being uncomfortable.  I’m afraid to hope for being comfortable and fulfilled.  It’s hard to see myself in a place where I feel at peace with my life, where I feel like things actually are working and that I am making progress in my life.

So, QP, that’s the answer to why I am still here!   :)   I will tell you, though, that I am working towards not being here.  And thank you for your question.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to So why am I still here?

  1. After such a long time, it’s of course a big decision to get out of your marriage… It is very good you’re considering all the important things; money, your family, your kids,…
    Don’t be afraid your friends and family won’t support you. In fact your husband is abusing you; if there’s any good reason to step out of a marriage, it will be that. *hugs*
    I find you incredibly courageous for staying so long already. Just saying. No matter if you say it’s because you’re “comfortable with being uncomfortable”, I find it courageous. It takes a whole lot of courage to fight for something, too few people still understand that today, I believe.
    On the matter of God and what he might think of it… I’m an atheist, so I can’t really think of a good plan… but I have always heard God is Love, that God doesn’t like evil, those things. I’m not an expert, and maybe I’m getting it all wrong, but I believe there is no “sin” in abandoning a marriage that is so destructive for your mental health.

    I’m happy you’re working on it ;) *hug*
    I believe you will make it! And thanks for answering my question…

    Love, QP

    • Thanks, QP. I think most of my family and friends will be supportive. I’m not sure about one sister and a few friends. :( My brother has been absolutely wonderful all along.
      Thank you for thinking I am courageous! I really did want my marriage to work. Really. I got married for life, not to get out of it. And I tried so hard to make it work.
      Yes, God is love and God does not want people to be abused. No, I don’t think it will be a sin to leave. It’s taken me awhile to get to that point, but in looking at what I believe that God wants for marriage and family, and what actually is happening in this “marriage” and “family,” there is so much wrong/sin going on here that God can’t be happy about it the way it is.
      Thank you so much for your comments and your encouragement! :)

    • marianna says:

      You don’t know me, but I know you– because I was you! It will be uncomfortable to leave, and scary to start a new life, BUT, life is too short to be unhappy and God didn’t intend for us to be treated the way you’re being treated. Let me tell you one short “snippet”… Once he moved out — about a week later, I had taken a shower and was picking up my dirty clothes to put in the hamper.– I realized that I didn’t have anyone yelling at me for leaving my clothes on the floor for 15 min while I was in the shower ! As a matter of fact, I realized that I was an adult, this was my house, and that I could leave the clothes on the floor for a week if I wanted to ! I finally had the freedom to do– or not do– like any adult should…It was like a huge weight had been taken off my shoulders! Was this new freedom scary? yes!, but it was also EXHILARATING ! Leave and find your exhilaration !

  2. Monique says:

    You sound like me. Everything. Every word of it. I asked God the same things. Then one day He said…….”file for a legal separation…..”

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