just need a friend today

I’d like a friend today.  A sweet, wise, compassionate, loving friend.

I had a strange dream this morning and I really didn’t like the last thing that happened at the end of the dream and so I woke up feeling really icky this morning.  Does that ever happen to you?  Where a dream will make you wake up feeling icky?

I went to the doctor earlier this week because of a pain I’ve been having and he couldn’t figure out what was going on, but said that he needs me to get a pelvic exam to rule out ovarian cancer.  So that’s just scary.  To my daughter who is reading this: DO NOT BE SCARED!  I am probably fine.  And to my  brother who is reading this:   yes, look it up in the “Feelings Buried Alive” book.  It does fit.

I’d really like to get out of the house today and go hiking.  But I can’t because I have other responsibilities today.

I feel strange today.  I want to be alone, but I also don’t want to be alone.  I want to be alone because I really don’t want to have to deal with all the stuff I have to deal with.  Even the stuff that just “is,” not necessarily  good or bad.   I wish I could be with someone who would know the right thing to say or do.  I don’t know what that is.  But I wish there was someone who did know.  I don’t even know what to say to myself!  When I don’t know what to say to myself, I just tell myself that it is going to be o.k.

I don’t think I am being co-dependent or looking to be rescued.  I’d just like to be with a true friend who would care about me and would know how to be comforting.

I wish I already had my awesome new job and my own wonderful place to live.  I just want the peace that would come from that.  I’m tired of dealing with all of the p.a. stuff, to whatever degree it is occurring and in whatever form, and I am tired of dealing with the fall-out from all the p.a. stuff that has occurred over the past however many years.  And I’m tired of the chaos of trying to figure out whether it is “o.k.” to leave.  I just want to be gone already and THEN sort things out.  I’d really like to have that space, just to breath, just to be.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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