Yesterday, when I went into work, my boss/friend, said, I found a book you have to read. O.k., I said. She finished up what she was doing and then said, it’s called “Boundaries,” and we’re studying in it our women’s small group study and it made me think of you.
I told her that I had already read it. Or at least read most of it. It was interesting to me that she thought of me in regards to the book because I feel like it is a book that really applies to me.
She went on to say that part of what they were discussing from the book in the small group was that people who have difficulties with boundaries build walls that keep the good out and the bad in. They have trouble accepting compliments; they have trouble taking in the good that comes to them, but they hold on tightly to the bad. She said that she thought, I have a friend just like that. Meaning me.
This morning, I went to see Julie, the therapist. We talked about a lot of stuff. I cried for most of the time. At one point, she asked me, “Why do you sabotage yourself?” I didn’t have an answer for her.
[I just had a thought: part of passive aggressive behavior is sabotage. So, not only do I sabotage myself – something I never recognized before – but I also married a man who will sabotage my efforts as well.]
Later in the day, I told my friend that Julie, the therapist, asked my why I sabotage myself. My friend said, why do you? I told her that I didn’t know. She said it was the boundaries thing; that I won’t let good into my life.
On my way home from work, I was thinking about the question again. Why do I sabotage myself? Why don’t I let good into my life?
Maybe I am trying to punish myself.
Julie, the therapist, at the end of the session, told me that a loving God wants me to have good things in my life.