Sabotage

Yesterday, when I went into work, my boss/friend, said, I found a book you have to read.  O.k., I said.  She finished up what she was doing and then said, it’s called “Boundaries,” and we’re studying in it our women’s small group study and it made me think of you.

I told her that I had already read it.  Or at least read most of it.  It was interesting to me that she thought of me in regards to the book because I feel like it is a book that really applies to me.

She went on to say that part of what they were discussing from the book in the small group was that people who have difficulties with boundaries build walls that keep the good out and the bad in.  They have trouble accepting compliments; they have trouble taking in the good that comes to them, but they hold on tightly to the bad.  She said that she thought, I have a friend just like that.  Meaning me.

This morning, I went to see Julie, the therapist.  We talked about a lot of stuff.  I cried for most of the time.  At one point, she asked me, “Why do you sabotage yourself?”   I didn’t have an answer for her.

[I just had a thought:  part of passive aggressive behavior is sabotage.  So, not only do I sabotage myself – something I never recognized before – but I also married a man who will sabotage my efforts as well.]

Later in the day, I told my friend that Julie, the therapist, asked my why I sabotage myself.  My friend said, why do you?  I told her that I didn’t know.  She said it was the boundaries thing; that I won’t let good into my life.

On my way home from work, I was thinking about the question again.  Why do I sabotage myself?  Why don’t I let good into my life?

Maybe I am trying to punish myself.

Julie, the therapist, at the end of the session, told me that a loving God wants me to have good things in my life.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Sabotage

  1. I agree with your therapist completely. *hugs*
    I already thought your adventures with that creep of a husband of yours were slightly self-sabotaging, but I didn’t want to say that for fear of insulting you…
    You deserve all the good you can get. Really ;)

    • You’re sweet to be so considerate. :) I appreciate your comments. I’m still struggling with the “deserving good” concept!, but I am working on it. I mean, really, I want good for anyone else, and I wouldn’t tell anyone else that they don’t deserve good, so I am not sure exactly why I am so hard on myself. :( But thank you for your hugs and encouragement! :)

      • I am happy to share whatever sort of advice or support I can offer. After all, people who are down should try to help each other up a bit, right? ;)
        Be kind to yourself… Life is already hard on us all, we shouldn’t make it any harder on ourselves than it already is. My best friend used to say “No one dies a virgin, ’cause life fucks us all…”
        And I mean every word I say. You deserve good things. Maybe if you repeat it to yourself often enough, your subconscious will sort of memorize it and put it to work in your daily life…

  2. catherinetodd3 says:

    Who is the author of the book “Boundaries” that you mention? It’s time for me to read this. NOW. Thanks for posting.

    • Hi! The authors are Henry Cloud and John Townsend. There is a link to it on the right in the “Links” column. And it is truly an eye-opening book! I’m still struggling with boundaries, but I keep working on it! :}

      • catherinetodd3 says:

        Thanks for the author’s names and pointing out the link to the “Boundaries” book website. I would never have guessed that link would take me to Amazon; I thought it was another discussion about “boundaries.” Heading there now! And as you said, I too “still struggling with boundaries, but I keep working on it! :}”

        And I won’t give up until I do! Get there, that is…

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