Yesterday I had a good day at work. My boss/friend wasn’t there, so I was busier and I also feel like I do better when I feel more responsibility. (Hmm… codependent?) Today is my boss’s/friend’s last day; she is moving on to a better job. I am really happy for her but I will miss her.
So after my good/busy day, I went grocery shopping. That was fine, too, even though I hate the stress of how much stuff costs! But then, when I was about a mile away from home, I just started crying and crying. I didn’t want to go home. I really didn’t want to go home. I just wanted to keep driving and driving. When I got home, he wasn’t there and didn’t come home for a couple of more hours (he was helping his dad), so I ended up feeling more relaxed.
He was helping his dad fix the pump on his parents’ well. His dad was just going to leave it for the night – with no running water – but my husband wouldn’t let him. My husband told me that he couldn’t let his dad just leave the house with no running water with his mom being so sick. I was thinking, though, that he, my husband, treats me just like his dad treats his mom – the subtle, insidious neglect, abuse.
I read a comment from a reader (thank you!) this morning. Here is part of what she said: “He’s deliberately annoying you and making you feel bad, in such a manner you can’t even complain about it without indeed sounding a bit petty.” It’s the covert stuff that makes me crazy. The insanity of passive aggression. If he punched me, it would be obvious. If he called me names, said horrible things to me, it would be obvious, but instead the covert stuff just wears me down because I find myself doubting myself. Just this morning, I was telling him about something that happened at work yesterday that I found interesting. (Since my boss and fellow cashier wasn’t there, the manager of both our stores was filling in for her. In fact, he is going to be the other cashier this season! So, at one point yesterday, he asked me if he could go smoke. I thought it was interesting that he, the manager of both stores, would ask me, the low “man” on the totem pole, if he could go smoke!) I told my husband about this, and my husband goes on and on about, did you tell him that he should think about stopping smoking? Huh? An amusing incident and my husband subtly, very subtly insults this man I work with. I sound crazy, don’t I, seeing it that way?
I read an article online this morning. It’s titled, “7 Signs You’re in a Manipulative Relationship.” Here are the seven signs:
1. You’re always falling short of your partner’s expectations.
2. You often feel guilty in your relationship and are always looking to repair the “damage.”
3. You don’t often know where you stand with your partner.
4. You often feel like you’re walking on eggshells around him (or her).
5. You feel confused in the relationship and keep questioning or blaming yourself for making your partner angry or frustrated.
6. You’re unhappy in your relationship at least 90 percent of the time.
7. You’re anxious about telling your partner your plans or about something you bought.
So, these pretty much fit me. Oh, and here is the quote that really got me: “While abuse is obvious, victims of manipulation don’t even realize they are being manipulated because the manipulator masks their behavior as positive, caring and nurturing.” That’s what it’s like! He comes across as being caring and nurturing. But he makes me feel insane!
When I read articles like this, the examples given in these articles aren’t like what happens in my relationship, but the end result is the same; I end up feeling the way the articles describe.
I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I don’t. I really don’t. I need a better paying job. I will be working forty hours a week now, but that will probably be only for a couple of months. Even if they did happen to ask me to stay on full time, I still wouldn’t make enough money to support myself. And, no, I haven’t sent out any resumes yet for another job.
I’ve recently read a book called, “Necessary Endings” that explains so much about me and what I need to do in my life and why I haven’t done it. I’ll blog about the book soon.
And one more thing…. forgive my blunt honesty here, but I want sex. It’s killing me. Sometimes I think about asking him for sex, but then he says or does something and I think, there is no way I can have sex with him. But my hormones are driving me crazy. Sometimes I think about doing something really, really wicked or else killing myself. Then I tell myself, come on, it’s only sex; think about something else. Sometimes I can. Sometimes I just feel insane. And you know the songs on the radio? They’re not about cooking dinner, or washing laundry, or chatting with your daughters, or helping customers at the store. At least the ones I listen to aren’t. They’re mostly about love, about sex, about desire. So I guess maybe I’m not the only one who wants to make love, who wants a close relationship.
Well, I have to go get ready to go to work now. Have a good day.