Yesterday morning I was lying in bed, trying to enjoy the peace of the morning. But I was tense. I wanted to be by myself. I was wishing that he wasn’t there. Wishing that I could completely relax. Then I started thinking how nice it would be if I was in bed with someone who would make love to me.
And then he started touching me. I just wanted him to stop. So badly I wanted him to stop. But I didn’t say anything. Then I hated myself for not saying anything. I hated myself for wanting to make love, but for not wanting my husband to touch me.
Finally he said, what are you thinking? I said, I hate today. I just want to die. He said, I’m sorry. I’ll stop touching you. I want to give you what you need. I pray for you. And then he got out of bed and looked out the window and talked about the rain and my daughter’s garden. And I was screaming and crying inside.
All I wanted to do was leave the house. I felt so tormented – wanting what I want but feeling terrible for not wanting him. I just wanted to get in my van and drive, but I kept telling myself that I had things to do that day and that I didn’t have time for that. Besides, gas is so expensive that I can’t afford to just drive off.
But I couldn’t. I got up, got dressed, and drove off. I cried and cried and cried. After an hour or two – I don’t remember – I finally came home and did the things I had to do yesterday.
Sometimes I feel so guilty for feeling so insane, for feeling so tormented. I feel like I should be o.k. That since I want sex, I should just have sex with him and it should be o.k.
But it’s not. It’s not o.k. It hasn’t be o.k. for years. About fifteen years ago, I started crying almost every time we had sex. As much as I have wanted sex, and he hasn’t given me what I wanted, I still would cry when he actually did have sex with me.
Now he seems like he is trying to be nicer to me and I just want him to leave me alone. Why didn’t he try to be a better husband two years ago? Or five years ago? Or ten years ago? Or…? Why now? Why, when all I want is for him to leave me alone, why now is he acting this way?
Last night, I mentioned that I had seen the DVD’s for about six or seven seasons of NCIS for $30 at a nearby antique mall. A little bit later, he told me that he had been going to buy me something that cost about $35 but that he would give me the money instead and I could go buy the DVD’s. Somehow I felt crushed and scummy. I want the DVD’s but I don’t want him to get them for me. And then I feel stupid for not wanting the gift. It just makes me feel crazy. I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of this. ANY OF IT.
I recently read this on another blog:
“Why do abusive people act nice for a little while and then turn around and go back to being mean?”
“He’s nice for a while, brings Mum stuff, [etc.], and then *bam* he’s back to criticizing, blaming, and insulting her. It goes over and over again in a circle. Nice until she relaxes, then get mean again. Nice until she relaxes, then get mean again. Ugly circle. It confuses her and makes her feel guilty. It confused me and made me feel guilty.
“The cycle puzzled me for quite some time, and then I found the answer in a presentation on Domestic Violence by a college psychology professor.
“The answer is, it’s a reward system. Abusers reward their victims for staying. ‘Good victim, good girl. You stayed, here’s a nice treat for you.’ The victim thinks it’s not so bad any more. She stops thinking about leaving. She starts to give back. She may even think he’s done being abusive. But he always goes back to being abusive.”
I guess that’s what it is like, now that I have seen it described that way.
I wish I could just have my own place and be still and be quiet and be able to think without feeling intruded upon. I don’t know how to explain it.
Anyhow, he’s gone today, so maybe I can have at least a little peace.