Tired.

This morning, I hit the snooze button for an hour.  My husband asked me if I was o.k.  I said I was tired.  He said, you need to go to bed earlier tonight.

It’s not my body that is tired.  It is my soul, my spirit.   I just want peace.  I’m tired of trying to figure this out.  I’m tired of wondering if it is wrong to want more, of wondering if I actually could have more.

Or if this is just it.  If this is all there is for me. Wondering if this is where God wants me to be.

Sometimes I think life will get better for me, that somehow I will “escape” and move on to a better place in life.  But then I think maybe that’s just wishful thinking, just a fantasy and that every morning for the rest of my life I will wake up in an ugly green room under a leaking roof with a sagging floor.  And a smelly septic system outside.  And an empty, meaningless, sexless marriage.

Who am I?  What does God want for me?

Yesterday, I cried on the way home, as I often do, because I just didn’t want to come home.  Nothing overtly bad happened with him last night, but everything just feels so empty.   I told him about a couple of things that happened at the store and he told me stuff about his work.  Yeah.  Whatever.  After work yesterday, one of my coworkers and I hung around and talked.  This man told me about parts of his life leading up to his marriage – a very interesting story – but all through his conversation, you could hear his sincerity and his faith and his life focus.  He apologized for going on and on, but I didn’t mind at all.  It was so much more meaningful than anything my husband ever says.  There is so much more depth to this man, even though he is about fifteen years younger than my husband.  I think there is more depth to most of the people that I know than there is in my husband.

So, maybe last night at home was mediocre.  Do I do mediocre for the rest of my life?   Do I just go on feeling more dead than alive?  My friend/boss who is leaving for a better job tells me, “it could be worse.”  Some people say, be thankful for what you have.  Is that the answer?  Just look at my flowers and my daughters and forget about a pretty house and meaningful sex and any kind of healthy relationship with the man I live with?

I feel like I have wasted my life, hoping for something more, wanting more for myself.  Is it the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

I don’t want to end up like my mom, who is also married to a (much worse) passive aggressive man.  I don’t want to end up like my mother-in-law, who is married to a very selfish man.  Maybe it wouldn’t be quite as bad for me as it is for those two, but I don’t want the emptiness and the depression and the longing that I deal with now.

Sometimes I think I have the power and the strength to leave.  But I don’t think I have the faith to leave.  But sometimes I really don’t care.  I don’t care if it is right or wrong to leave.  I am just tired of the pain.  And if I don’t stop touching the hot stove, the pain won’t stop.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Tired.

  1. Monique says:

    I am in the middle of a divorce with a classic, text book passive-aggressive man. It took me years to figure out what was going on.

    I went through years of wanting to get out but being afraid. Then one day, about 3 years ago, the lights came on in my head that my husband couldn’t be passive-aggressive if I weren’t here to help create the stage to allow it to happen.

    Yes, he will be passive-aggressive after our divorce is final. But, he needs someone to set the stage for him emotionally – I was that person.

    You sound like I did for many years. Still talking about it. Still beiing in it. Still suffering from it. Please forgive me if I come across as preachy or judgmental. I don’t mean to.

    But, like me, unless you do something different, nothing different will happen.

    I took the big bold step of retaining an attorney. My hell will soon be over. But, it never would have begun to change had I not swallowed my fear and done something about it.

    I appreciate your blog as a way to help you cope. But, it won’t help you heal.

  2. For the last 18 years I have allowed myself to stay with a man(?) who has verbally and emotionally abused me and I know I need to go, but I just don’t know how. I am stuck, I am afraid and sometimes I just want to close my eyes and not wake up. The love I feel for my children keeps me going, but each day, I am sinking deeper and deeper into a very dark place. I think I hate him. I ask myself the same questions as you do, and like you, I never have an answer. Why is that?

    • Stuck and afraid. Too often, too, I wish I could just die, but then I think of my children, also. It is the busy season at my store so I’m not ready to quit there right now, but in another month or so, I am going to send out my resume to every job opening I even have a remote chance of getting an interview for until I find a better paying job. That is my next step. I am really scared about it, honestly. Really scared. But unless I do something, every day of my life is going to be just like the last. And I really can’t bear that thought. I am afraid to go forward. But I am also afraid to stay where I am. I believe, one way or another, that one day, both you and I will get out. Do you have family at all that you can go to? Where did you go, what did you do when you left him before?

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