This morning, I hit the snooze button for an hour. My husband asked me if I was o.k. I said I was tired. He said, you need to go to bed earlier tonight.
It’s not my body that is tired. It is my soul, my spirit. I just want peace. I’m tired of trying to figure this out. I’m tired of wondering if it is wrong to want more, of wondering if I actually could have more.
Or if this is just it. If this is all there is for me. Wondering if this is where God wants me to be.
Sometimes I think life will get better for me, that somehow I will “escape” and move on to a better place in life. But then I think maybe that’s just wishful thinking, just a fantasy and that every morning for the rest of my life I will wake up in an ugly green room under a leaking roof with a sagging floor. And a smelly septic system outside. And an empty, meaningless, sexless marriage.
Who am I? What does God want for me?
Yesterday, I cried on the way home, as I often do, because I just didn’t want to come home. Nothing overtly bad happened with him last night, but everything just feels so empty. I told him about a couple of things that happened at the store and he told me stuff about his work. Yeah. Whatever. After work yesterday, one of my coworkers and I hung around and talked. This man told me about parts of his life leading up to his marriage – a very interesting story – but all through his conversation, you could hear his sincerity and his faith and his life focus. He apologized for going on and on, but I didn’t mind at all. It was so much more meaningful than anything my husband ever says. There is so much more depth to this man, even though he is about fifteen years younger than my husband. I think there is more depth to most of the people that I know than there is in my husband.
So, maybe last night at home was mediocre. Do I do mediocre for the rest of my life? Do I just go on feeling more dead than alive? My friend/boss who is leaving for a better job tells me, “it could be worse.” Some people say, be thankful for what you have. Is that the answer? Just look at my flowers and my daughters and forget about a pretty house and meaningful sex and any kind of healthy relationship with the man I live with?
I feel like I have wasted my life, hoping for something more, wanting more for myself. Is it the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?
I don’t want to end up like my mom, who is also married to a (much worse) passive aggressive man. I don’t want to end up like my mother-in-law, who is married to a very selfish man. Maybe it wouldn’t be quite as bad for me as it is for those two, but I don’t want the emptiness and the depression and the longing that I deal with now.
Sometimes I think I have the power and the strength to leave. But I don’t think I have the faith to leave. But sometimes I really don’t care. I don’t care if it is right or wrong to leave. I am just tired of the pain. And if I don’t stop touching the hot stove, the pain won’t stop.