feeling beaten

I feel beaten.  (My apologies to those of you who actually have been physically beaten; I never have.)  I feel belittled, stupid, worthless.  I feel the life sucked out of me.  I want to scream and kick and throw things.  I want to call my brother and cry.  I want to die.

Yeah.  I’m probably over-reacting.  I’ll give you that.  But this is my blog and this is how I feel right now.  And when you read it, you’ll think I’m crazy.  Well, you know what, maybe I am.

I didn’t get enough sleep last night.  My previous post was posted at about 2:00 a.m.  Then he woke me up at about 6:00 a.m. when I was so not ready to wake up.

Then when he’s getting ready to leave, he comes over to the bed and says, I have list.  [And he’s standing there with a list on the back of an envelope.]  I want the dishes washed before I get home tonight.  I want the grass mowed.   I want K [oldest daughter] to pay me the car insurance money and car repair money that she owes me.  And she has to start paying for her cell phone.  And if she doesn’t have the money, she can come work for me.  The kitchen looks like a couple of single guys live here and the girls [our daughters] just sit around all day on the computer and do nothing.  [Not true.]   I got the mowers fixed and when K comes over to get the riding mower, I will pump up the tire for her.  I know it’s not as exciting as youtube, but they are too lazy.   I would do these things myself, but I don’t have time.  Do you have any questions?  Any comments?

I told him that just because he was mad at me, he didn’t have to take it out on my daughters.  He said that he wasn’t mad at me [oh, yeah?] and that he was reasonable to ask them to do these things.

O.K.  He wasn’t asking them.  He was lording over me, demanding that I tell them these things.  BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM AND CAN’T TALK TO THEM HIMSELF.   And I hate it when he criticizes me over his daughters when he has had nothing to do with raising them.

I felt so scummy.  I felt so horrible.  He sounded  like my dad, telling me I had to pay for my own school.  He sounded like my mom, telling me she was taking me to court for $45,000.

Then he told me he loved me.

Here, let me slap you around a little bit.  And then I’ll tell you I love you.

Oh, and then, he says, one more thing.  When you are driving the van and you take off from zero to sixty, and then speed, you are causing too much wear and tear on the van.  Then he proceeds to lecture me on how to drive the van slowly.  What am I, twelve???

I wanted to scream, just go away and leave me alone.

Then he wanted reassurance that he wasn’t being unfair in wanting these things done.  I told him I would tell the girls what he wanted done.

Then I felt like I was going to throw up.

Yeah.  Really.  I know.  I know I sound like I am over-reacting.

I just want to be loved so badly and I feel so uncared for and so disrespected.

After he left, I was thinking.  I have a list, too.  I want the leaky roof fixed.  I want the rotting floor fixed.  I want the termite situation fixed.  I want the dripping bathtub faucet fixed.  I want the stinking septic system fixed.  I want the well situation fixed.  But I guess those things really aren’t important.

I’m going to go eat chocolate now.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to feeling beaten

  1. Allie says:

    You are not crazy. i live with a horrible passive aggressive man who does the same thing. it all became clear to me he was this way our entire relationship when our daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2009. Not yet 12 so I cant leave but believe you me, i am counting the days. trying to get a job, full time, so one day I can leave the SOB. I also stopped chasing after mine. its a waste of time. used to initiate too. but got tired of being declined. they say its a control tactic oh goodie. then that is what I will tell him when I find someone else who is interested in me. Anyway I love your blog. I do not love the fact you are in a horrible relationship and my heart truly goes out to you. take care and best wishes….i will keep reading.

  2. Confused says:

    Hello- firstly i dont really know what to say apart from- i know what you mean, i really do. Your not crazy and its nice to know im not the only one :) I have only just come to the realization that my mother is passive aggressive and for so many years i have been covertly abused: Even though i realize it , I cannot accept it – how can my mum , who is so caring and nice and loved by everyone, be so intimidating? – surly im over-reacting and been selfish. Im only 15 and I realize I know very little about the world : but i also am so tired and drained – i feel old yet im so young? i feel like im always stepping down as we never argue and she ‘forgets’ everything we talk about. My friends have questioned my sanity when i tried to explain it to them : why i was never allowed outside or even up to my room. They used to ask why my mum was so strict yet so nice and i never knew what to say. They used to say things like ‘its odd , i love your mum more than my other friends mums yet shes also kinda of..off ‘ and i could only stay quiet .Then i heard about passive aggression, NPD and covert abuse . I dont know what to do – I cant carry on like this as i have been breaking down in private with friends who have no idea. Its gotton to the stage where i dont hug people, Ive never had a crush or allowed myself to like anyone because of it and push them away yet always laugh with them ( because when im away from her i forget about everything even though its in the back of my mind ) ect – its so confusing. I cant leave as its my mum , im scared what she’d do if i leave or lived with my dad for a while :any advice ?
    Ps im sorr i didnt know where to go or what to do and you dont have to reply if you dont want to , i just needed a release for the first time :)

    • Hi, Sweetie, It was a big relief to me when I realized that I wasn’t crazy, because living with a passive aggressive person does make you feel like you are crazy! As you know! And, yes, to others who don’t see it, the p.a. does seem nice and your friends don’t understand what the issue is. It is really hard! It is very draining. I have seen what it has done to my daughters, especially my younger daughter. If it is safe to live with your dad, see if you can go live with him. Or an aunt or uncle who would take good care of you. I don’t know what the laws are like where you live, but do explore your options for getting into a safer environment. Is there a counselor or anyone at your school who can help you find out if there is someplace else you can live? Emotional bruises are just as painful, if not more so, than physical bruises. And feel free to release on my blog any time you need to!!! I am so sorry you have to go through this. No one should be abused in any way. So please explore all your options for getting out. And don’t give up!!!

      • Confused says:

        Thank you so much !!! I agree no one should have to go through this and I hope you can get out of it too – I really admire how strong you are and how you are always there for your daughters :) Thank you so much and for being so kind : I am going to firstly confirm properly my suspicions – like make sure im not over -reacting, ‘observe’ her behavior nd looking for traits of PA and NPD , seeing how i feel about them and if i am right im going to see if i can stay with my dad – i know he would like me too but i dont want to un-necessarily leave my mum :)
        I hope y too manage to get out of this and experience the happy household you deserve :) Thank you :D

      • I have compiled a lot of information about passive aggressive behavior and put it on a page on my blog. If you look on the black bar, where it says “home” and “about,” you will see a page for “passive aggressive behavior.” That might help you in trying to figure out if your mom is passive aggressive. There is a lot written about passive aggressive behavior in men, but women can also be passive aggressive. The website, “Out of the Fog” has a lot of information about personality disorders, so that might help you, too, in figuring out about your mom. Hang in there! You are not crazy! If you need to, please do go stay with your dad; maybe even just for the summer to get some perspective. I plan to write a post soon about how to deal with passive aggressive behavior, so you can check back in a few days for that if you like. :)

  3. Confused says:

    Thank you so much :) all the information has helped tons and you won’t believe how comforting it is knowing your out there and how nice you are being. :) My mum got a lot happier recently and the signs stopped – that’s what made me notice them to begin with even if it was a little late . I keep saying to myself that yes I have been covert abused and it’s stopped now : but I just keep the relapsing and thinking its normal and I’m over reacting and being silly – confusing ! It’s a constant battle and I don’t know how long it will take to accept it but your blog is really helping me , my heart goes out to you and I hope you get the respect and compassion you deserve :) thank you so much :)

    • I don’t know your mom, and I am not speaking against her, but just because a person who has been mean to you, in whatever way, physically, emotionally, is now being nice, doesn’t mean the abuse is over. Be careful. That is part of the insidiousness of it. Some days my husband is very nice. Other days, he really isn’t. It would be wonderful for you if your mom really has changed, has decided to treat you better. But just be careful. Sometimes that is part of the game being played and it is SO easy to get drawn in. It happens to me all of the time! Be sure to spend as much time as you can with people who love you, people you trust, to help compensate for what is going on at home until you can leave. One time I read an article that said that the only way you can live with a passive aggressive person is to just take it one moment at a time. And if it is a good moment, enjoy it and be thankful for it. And if it is a bad moment, then that is what you have for that moment. Personally, I am not a moment-by-moment person. Some people are, but I am not. But if it works for you to just accept the good when you can get it, that might be an option. But I would suggest a larger plan to get out of the confusion or at least to combat the confusion. It is very unhealthy to live in chaos! Take care of yourself! Write to me anytime you want! :)

      • Confused says:

        Thank you once again :D i really needed that – i just had a hard time accepting it and just needed some certainty – I honestly cant express how much help you are being , even just the ‘sweetie’ or the links you send me , there so supportive and helpful. With covert abuse its easy to just let it go by or even believe its not happening to you- that’s probably whats left me so confused , i dont like making deals out of things and because I’ve grown up with it , I guess i dont know as much but now I understand :) what im trying to say is , as bad and horrible it is that you have to go through this , Its really nice to have an understanding voice of reason so thank you , it feels unbelievably comforting :) I am aiming to live with my dad but ill have to wait till shes happier or at least has a boyfriend or someone i can leave her with :) thank you x a million – your amazing thank you :)

      • Forgive my bluntness, but why is her happiness your responsibility? I’m not saying that there isn’t a time or place to look after someone, but you are the child and you are not responsible for your mom’s happiness. If she needs to go to a doctor or a therapist to get depression taken care of, that is her responsibility. Maybe you going to your dad will be what it takes for her to see that she needs to be responsible for herself. I don’t know her situation, so please forgive me if there is more going on here than I understand, but, Sweetie, she is supposed to be the adult and is supposed to be looking after you, not the other way around. I know it is hard to accept. It is so hard to acknowledge that your parent (or your husband) is the one with the major problem, is the one misusing you. These are the people who are supposed to be being good to you, supposed to be looking out for your well-being. I’m not trying to pull you away from your mom, if that is where you are supposed to be. And I don’t fully know your situation, so if I am wrong, don’t listen to me! But if you are in an unhealthy place, you need to get out, even if it does mean leaving someone else behind. That person has to be responsible for their well-being. If you wanted to, maybe you could suggest that she see a doctor or a therapist, or if she is a church-going person, to talk to clergy. Or even if she has a good friend or a sibling who could help her. See if you could maybe convince her to get help from an outside person rather than her relying on you. Like I said, sometimes there is a time and place to look after others, but usually it shouldn’t be at your expense. It shouldn’t be destroying you. Hang in there! :)

      • Confused says:

        Its okay :) I’ve never looked at it like that , I guess I just want to be 100% sure before I do anything drastic :) I think she was seen a doctor before but she never told me . Im going to talk to my auntie maybe about it as soon as I have a clear view , I’ll be going on holiday with my dad soon so i can get some perspective there and when i get back , ill make some changes :) I dont want to have any regrets of what could have been . I so sorry I have plied you with all these troubles and worries , you have enough on you plate but thank you for taking the time , this is all so helpful as there is very little information available about this . THANK YOU!!! :D

      • I don’t know how long your mom and dad were together, so I don’t know how well he knows your mom, but if he does know her, he may have seen in her the passive aggressive, narcissistic things that you have been seeing. I don’t know, but it might be helpful to talk to him about it. I understand making changes is a big decision! But if that’s what you need to do, don’t be afraid to do it! Hopefully your auntie and/or your dad will stand by you and help you with what you have to do. Somehow, it will work out o.k. for you! Enjoy your holiday! :)

  4. Confused ( no longer :) ) says:

    Hi :) I came across this again today , I don’t know if you’ll see it however I’m the 15 , but now 16 , year old girl you helped just above :)
    Thank you so much . It’s amazing how your words still appear in my mind every now and then and make me smile . Though I’m still living with my mum I now know how to deal with it and stay at my dads for a while more than then: me and my dad touched on it and I managed to get passed it . Without you I wouldn’t have known what was happening and it would have spiralled fatally down but because of that first “Hi , sweetie” and can continue tosee the small pearls of life in everything that makes me smile . I hope that now , though you are still living with him , you are happy and can smile : I really do especially after what you did for me .
    Thank you so much and I hope you’re well :)

    • Hi!!!! :} I am SO glad to hear from you! I’ve been wondering how things were going for you and hoping that somehow they were better! :} I do think being aware and understanding what is going on is helpful. I’m still here, but I have definitely decided to leave once I can earn some more money. I am a little happier now and I smile more. :} Thank you so much for updating me on your situation, Sweetie! :}

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