I feel beaten. (My apologies to those of you who actually have been physically beaten; I never have.) I feel belittled, stupid, worthless. I feel the life sucked out of me. I want to scream and kick and throw things. I want to call my brother and cry. I want to die.
Yeah. I’m probably over-reacting. I’ll give you that. But this is my blog and this is how I feel right now. And when you read it, you’ll think I’m crazy. Well, you know what, maybe I am.
I didn’t get enough sleep last night. My previous post was posted at about 2:00 a.m. Then he woke me up at about 6:00 a.m. when I was so not ready to wake up.
Then when he’s getting ready to leave, he comes over to the bed and says, I have list. [And he’s standing there with a list on the back of an envelope.] I want the dishes washed before I get home tonight. I want the grass mowed. I want K [oldest daughter] to pay me the car insurance money and car repair money that she owes me. And she has to start paying for her cell phone. And if she doesn’t have the money, she can come work for me. The kitchen looks like a couple of single guys live here and the girls [our daughters] just sit around all day on the computer and do nothing. [Not true.] I got the mowers fixed and when K comes over to get the riding mower, I will pump up the tire for her. I know it’s not as exciting as youtube, but they are too lazy. I would do these things myself, but I don’t have time. Do you have any questions? Any comments?
I told him that just because he was mad at me, he didn’t have to take it out on my daughters. He said that he wasn’t mad at me [oh, yeah?] and that he was reasonable to ask them to do these things.
O.K. He wasn’t asking them. He was lording over me, demanding that I tell them these things. BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM AND CAN’T TALK TO THEM HIMSELF. And I hate it when he criticizes me over his daughters when he has had nothing to do with raising them.
I felt so scummy. I felt so horrible. He sounded like my dad, telling me I had to pay for my own school. He sounded like my mom, telling me she was taking me to court for $45,000.
Then he told me he loved me.
Here, let me slap you around a little bit. And then I’ll tell you I love you.
Oh, and then, he says, one more thing. When you are driving the van and you take off from zero to sixty, and then speed, you are causing too much wear and tear on the van. Then he proceeds to lecture me on how to drive the van slowly. What am I, twelve???
I wanted to scream, just go away and leave me alone.
Then he wanted reassurance that he wasn’t being unfair in wanting these things done. I told him I would tell the girls what he wanted done.
Then I felt like I was going to throw up.
Yeah. Really. I know. I know I sound like I am over-reacting.
I just want to be loved so badly and I feel so uncared for and so disrespected.
After he left, I was thinking. I have a list, too. I want the leaky roof fixed. I want the rotting floor fixed. I want the termite situation fixed. I want the dripping bathtub faucet fixed. I want the stinking septic system fixed. I want the well situation fixed. But I guess those things really aren’t important.
I’m going to go eat chocolate now.