When I got into bed tonight, he asked me if I ever wanted sex. I was quiet for a minute and then I told him the truth: pretty much all the time.
He told me that if I wanted sex, he could help me out.
I told him that whenever we had sex, it made me cry. It made me want to die. It made me want to kill myself.
He said it shouldn’t be that way.
I told him, well, it’s been that way for about ten, fifteen years now.
He said that he tries very hard to give me what I need. (How many times have I heard that?)
I told him that I just don’t feel connected at all. I just feel empty.
He said that is because I put up a barrier against him. He said that I never was good enough for my dad and that is the way I treat him. He said that nothing he ever does is good enough for me. (Victim mentality going on here.)
I wanted to tell him I work with imperfect people. I deal with imperfect people all the time. In fact, I don’t know anyone who is perfect. It’s not true that nothing is good enough for me. I wanted to tell him he was just giving an excuse for not having an emotional connection with me because he is passive aggressive. He is blaming me so he doesn’t have to address anything himself.
I’m sure he wants sex. But he doesn’t want to make love. He doesn’t want to have that emotional connection that I need. So it works for him to tell me that it is my fault.
You know, I saw this coming. We have been getting along “o.k.,” for us, the past couple of days. Yesterday, I loaned him my van to take to his event and I drove his rattletrap truck. I listened to him talk about his event. I told him about my day. I didn’t do anything to make him mad at me today. He couldn’t let this last.
But he didn’t like it when I told him the truth about how I felt about sex. So he had to “get back” at me. By blaming it on me.
I am so stuck here. Whether I had had sex with him tonight or not (or any other night, for that matter), he still would have pushed me away emotionally. Passive aggressive men simply cannot make that emotional connection. And I think it makes him mad that I am distant, that I am no longer chasing after him, trying to fix the marriage. I think maybe it scares him and he doesn’t know how to deal with it, so he ignores the fact that the marriage is empty and I want to leave. And every now and then, he gets back at me in some way.