The sex thing again

When I got into bed tonight, he asked me if I ever wanted sex.  I was quiet for a minute and then I told him the truth:  pretty much all the time.

He told me that if I wanted sex, he could help me out.

I told him that whenever we had sex, it made me cry.  It made me want to die.  It made me want to kill myself.

He said it shouldn’t be that way.

I told him, well, it’s been that way for about ten, fifteen years now.

He said that he tries very hard to give me what I need.  (How many times have I heard that?)

I told him that I just don’t feel connected at all.  I just feel empty.

He said that is because I put up a barrier against him.  He said that I never was good enough for my dad and that is the way I treat him.  He said that nothing he ever does is good enough for me.  (Victim mentality going on here.)

I wanted to tell him I work with imperfect people.  I deal with imperfect people all the time.  In fact, I don’t know anyone who is perfect.  It’s not true that nothing is good enough for me.  I wanted to tell him he was just giving an excuse for not having an emotional connection with me because he is passive aggressive.  He is blaming me so he doesn’t have to address anything himself.

I’m sure he wants sex.  But he doesn’t want to make love.  He doesn’t want to have that emotional connection that I need.  So it works for him to tell me that it is my fault.

You know, I saw this coming.  We have been getting along “o.k.,” for us, the past couple of days.   Yesterday, I loaned him my van to take to his event and I drove his rattletrap truck.  I listened to him talk about his event.  I told him about my day.  I didn’t do anything to make him mad at me today.   He couldn’t let this last.

But he didn’t like it when I told him the truth about how I felt about sex.  So he had to “get back” at me.  By blaming it on me.

I am so stuck here.  Whether I had had sex with him tonight or not (or any other night, for that matter), he still would have pushed me away emotionally.   Passive aggressive men simply cannot make that emotional connection.   And I think it makes him mad that I am distant, that I am no longer chasing after him, trying to fix the marriage.  I think maybe it scares him and he doesn’t know how to deal with it, so he ignores the fact that the marriage is empty and I want to leave.  And every now and then, he gets back at me in some way.

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9 Responses to The sex thing again

  1. This is apart from the actual problem, and you may find it slightly immoral, but here it comes:
    Would it be possible to consider having sex with your husband apart from possible emotional ties?
    After all, sex is an inevitable biological need; when you deny yourself to have sex it is like denying yourself a certain type of nutrient. Your body can fill in the gap for a while with other things, but after a while that doesn’t work anymore. I’m not saying this because I like to fuck (because I do) but because I have studied the biological effects of sex on the brain and pretty much every other part of the body, and trust me it’s very unhealthy not to have sex every once in a while.

    Now, on the other hand, if he’s getting scared that’s a good thing. Consider his pricks the last wailing movements of an animal in distress. You’re getting independent and that scares him, and that’s good. He’s simply going into attack out of weakness. Stay strong, you’ll make it! *hug*

    • Yep, sex is definitely a biological need! :) I KNOW I need sex! I know it’s unhealthy not to have sex. :) I do consider having sex with him without the emotional ties – and, no, I don’t think that’s immoral. It’s just something I haven’t been able to do. I feel revolted when he starts touching me. I think there is just too much baggage over the years. I could probably have sex easier with a friendly stranger I was attracted to than with him. Which I do consider immoral, but the idea is very tempting sometimes. Too often.

      Thank you for your encouragement. I really do appreciate it!

      How are you doing?

      • Imagine all the things you can get into when you manage to leave him! *hugs* You could consider it an extra motivator…

        I’m doing okay… living at home is particularly more challenging than living in the madhouse, but I’m okay. I do have had an increasing amount of hallucinations and dissociations…

  2. “I could probably have sex easier with a friendly stranger I was attracted to than with him. Which I do consider immoral, but the idea is very tempting sometimes.”

    I said the same thing to my ex and my friends when we would talk. They would say the same just do it for you or whatever. But you really can’t no matter how bad you really want it. I think that is why I did what I did after he moved out. I normally would never just hook up with a friend like that but it had been so very long. I guess maybe it just seemed safer that way we both knew what we were in it for and knew where each other had been.

    My ex was the same way even when I gave him divorce papers and told him I wanted one. He just acted as if nothing ever happen and everything was fine. Then there would be the fight or disagreement here and there but he still just acted like it was fine and things were going to be ok. Then wanted to act shocked when I told him he had to leave. He still at the same time acted like he thought that we were going to get back together and there was a chance there. He still does but with the court date so close he is seeing there really isn’t and now he is getting really bad. good luck you can do it. Just remember leaving or asking him to leave and following threw is the hardest part. But once you do and they are out or you are out and everything is moved you will feel so much better so much happier and you won’t want him to come back. You won’t even miss him. I know I didn’t.

  3. priscilla says:

    inspiring knowing I am not alone, am so exhausted by my partners PA ways I cant think straight, we have sex 1 every 6 to 8 weeks, a mercy fuck basically, and when we do I feel physically sick it last for seconds and there is no intimacy whatsoever, no kissing me or holding me just wam bam…so I spent a year askingwhy he didn’t want sex and now the very few times we do I am repulsed by him, he will never EVER acknowledge any probs we have and I mean NEVER, I tell him how unhappy I am, nada, he goes on like nothing is wrong and as long as I don’t bother him with my feelings he just carries on, he will now nd then have a, explosive emotional outburst over the smallest and I mean smallest thing like my leaving a flip flop in the room and yet, when I call him on his behaviour over something he does often which is , we will be discussing something and he wil say something , I will say no that’s not it then he will deny saying whatever like im crazy and making it up then he puts words in my mouth that never were there and then I DO act crazy, like a complete deranged lunatic as I am so frustrated , a normal convo is impossible it always ends up him saying he didn’t say something I said he did him saying I said something to make us argue, rahhh I cant really explain!! I have slept on the couch last night as I actually want to batter him, I look at him and I just want to pound him…I wont of course but he pushses me into this desperation, he has hd a lovely sleepi have tossed and turned all night , he will get up like its perfectly normal for me to say horrid things to him last night in or argument,i have a wicked tongue now, I have never ever been like this with anyone else, I actually disgcust myself but yu know what , I am desperately trying to get him to say something, anything, he makes us fall out then sits back when I go mad like I am a craxy bitch and what has he done to deserve this, there is much more but cant seem to get it all out.

    • Oh, I so understand your frustration! About the WHOLE thing! Yep, basically sex had boiled down to “just go ahead and stick it in me and get it over with.” Although I haven’t even let him do that in who knows how long. I just couldn’t deal with it any more. It kills me, though. I want to make love so badly and I can’t stand him. UGH! And yes, I understand there is so much to say, so much to try to deal with. I am working on trying to say what I need to say to him and trying to focus on what I need to do for me in my life and distance myself from him. It is SO hard though. I think I just need leave already.

  4. Sarah L says:

    In my ten years of marriage, there was never a single time when my PA husband was enthusiastic about my pleasure during sex. It took him one year to grudgingly accept that I needed to orgasm too. Magically, after one year when I had become assertive about demanding that the sex be mutual, it suddenly dropped to once a year. He simply lost interest in sex when it was about both of us. He used his erectile dysfunction as an excuse during the later part of the ten years but just coz he cant get an erection, doesn’t mean I have to go without sex. How narcissistic of him to think it begins and ends at him! Sex with him was about deliberately humiliating me by ignoring my pleasure. Now he wants to work things out (really he wants a child and a fool willing to give him one) after 6 years of separation. But I cant bring myself to have sex with him – even the thought fills me with revulsion. I just know the socalled “sex” will be another degrading experience in which my pleasure will be done in such a halfhearted manner, and with no input for me (he is the boss of my orgasms when he decides he will throw them in my lap like alms to the poor) and with such as sense of doing a favor to me, that it will leave me with no positive feelings but the despair of feeling degraded, humiliated, disrespected all over again. What a terrible marriage, that in ten years, could not give me one single memory of happy loving sex? And how terrible that I chose to live with this disgusting excuse of a man

    • It’s SO frustrating!!! I want sex so badly, but I won’t put myself through it with him. It just destroys me. I can remember only one time when he kissed me, really kissed me, the way I REALLY enjoyed it. And then I thought, wow, we’re going to have great sex tonight! He finally gets it! NOT!!! That was years ago. Next month, we will have been married twenty-six years. Not too long after we had been married about ten years, I started crying after every time we had sex because it was just so empty, so lacking. It hurt so much emotionally. And even physically, he never did/gave as much as I wanted, no matter what I said, or tried to explain. I am so embarrassed to say this, and I’ve never written it in a post, but there were YEARS when he would fall asleep while doing me. This is really insane!

      • Sarah L says:

        You have nothing to feel ashamed about the sleeping part, I think that might be a standard PA behavior too. My husband, few times he tried to do give me pleasure, would fall asleep while doing it…the weird thing is it never happened when he was doing wat give him pleasure. It is a deliberate misogynistic tactic to do it in such a half-hearted manner (falling asleep) that it makes the woman feels absolutely worthless. What kind of sick losers are these! I feel sorry for the women who have to spend the rest of their lives with these wolves in sheep’s clothing.

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