Last night he got into bed and said that he loved me so very much and that he was sorry that I was depressed and that he wished he could make me happy and that I wouldn’t be sad and that things would be better for us.
I got really brave and told him that until he could see that he was passive aggressive and would admit it and would get help for it, things couldn’t be any better for us.
He said he wished that I would tell him when he was being passive aggressive.
So I told him that not telling me the night before when he needed our daughter to stay with his mom when he knew he would need her to stay was passive aggressive. And then the next morning when he did tell me and I asked him why he didn’t say anything the night before when he knew, he said I wasn’t available (which I was, because he talked about other things to me), I told him that was passive aggressive. I told him that if he wasn’t passive aggressive, we wouldn’t live in a broken house. I told him that if he wasn’t passive aggressive, he would have a relationship with his daughters. I told him that if he wasn’t passive aggressive, I wouldn’t cry when we have sex.
He was quiet for a minute and then he said that he didn’t really consider most of those things passive aggressive; they were just being human.
I told him that he had a pattern of doing things this way. He asked me how I knew. And I said I had lived with him for many years and have seen it.
He was quiet and then he said that he wanted to say something but that I would just dump it back on him. (This in a very sulky/pout-y tone.)
I debated about what I said next, but I said it anyway because he had said he wanted me to tell him when I thought he was being passive aggressive. So I said, that was a very passive aggressive statement.
He said I just proved his point. So I stopped saying anything and just let him go on and on.
He said that sometimes he just wants to hold me so badly and show me how much he loves me and wants to make me happy. And then in the very next breath he said he could tell me what things I do that he thinks are passive aggressive.
He said he couldn’t fix the house because he didn’t have the money.
He said he tries very hard to give me what I need, to spend time with me.
He said that he was trying very hard not to be passive aggressive. (I don’t think he even knows what passive aggression is!!!) He said he prays and studies and asks God to help him to be a better husband. He said it wasn’t fair that I wanted him to change but that I wasn’t trying to change, that I was expecting him to do all the work. I told him that it wouldn’t matter what I did because he would just push me away. He said that wasn’t true. (It is true – study passive aggressive behavior! In fact, in this whole “conversation,” you can see evidence of that!)
He said that if I loved him, then I wouldn’t be depressed.
He said that I am not affectionate and that if I could just touch him more, then everything would be o.k. He went on about that for a bit.
Finally I just said, thank you for talking to me, and then rolled over so I could go to sleep.