I’m reading yet another book. It’s called “How We Love.”
But I’ve been wondering…
For years and years and years, I’ve read books, trying to fix the marriage. I think the first one was “The Total Woman.” I can’t even remember how many there have been over the years. The past couple of years, I’ve discovered “His Needs, Her Needs,” and “The 5 Love Languages.” Also, I’ve read “Why Do I Keep Doing That? Why Do I Keep Doing That?” and “Toxic Men” and “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” and “Necessary Endings” and …
So I’m reading yet another book. To what end? One more way to try to “fix” the marriage? Another co-dependent attempt?
According to StrengthsFinder.com, my number one theme is Restorative, meaning, basically, I like to fix things. And according to “Find Your Strongest Life,” my lead role is Creative, with my supporting role of Equalizer. Again, fixing things.
I’ve tried to fix the marriage for so many years. I am so tired of it. I feel so stupid and so confused and so insane. I don’t want another book. Another quasi-therapy session that will avail nothing.
I just want to feel loved.
My apologies to my brother who encouraged me to read the book. I am reading it. It is a very good book. I am just so tired. Most of the time I really don’t care any more. I just want to feel sane. And to feel like I am on top of my life instead of under it.
On a completely different note: I get off work, run a couple of errands, go to yoga class, run another errand, get home at nine o’clock at night…. I’m guessing he’s already been home for two or three hours. But as soon as I come in, then he goes to take a shower. Never mind that I might like to take a shower at that point. I don’t know. I don’t care. Whatever.
Yoga was good, anyway.