This morning I woke up depressed. Which is not unusual for me. Most of the time I talk myself out of it, telling myself over and over and over, “it’s going to be o.k., it’s going to be o.k.” This morning, I decided to go running.
I usually run in the evenings. My mentor has inspired me to start running again. She is a few years older than I am and has run two marathons! She still runs about fifty miles a week. I do less than a tenth of that, but at least it it something. It does help me feel better, in several ways.
This morning when I was finished running, I was stretching against my van and crying, still depressed, asking God what He wanted for me, what His will was, if He wanted me to stay here and die emotionally, in a sense physically, if I was to be denied fulfilling sex for the rest of my life.
So when I came in the house, my husband saw that I had been crying and asked what was wrong. The “How We Love” book stresses the importance of being open and honest about how we are truly feeling, so I (calmly) told him that I was sad in our marriage, that it was meaningless and empty to me, that it was draining the life out of me. I told him that sometimes I think about leaving [actually, I think about it most of the time]. He said he wanted things to be different. I told him that he had been saying that for twenty years. I told him that he seemed pretty content in the marriage. He said he wasn’t. I told him I was the one that brought up the conversations about the marriage, I was the one that read all the books, I was the one asking for counseling, going to therapy. And he was sitting there watching t.v. I told him that to me, that made it seem like he wasn’t that interested in improving things. He asked what he could do. I asked him what he thought he should do, what his options were. * He said he didn’t know. He said that he wanted us to spend more time together. I told him that we spent all week-end together when we went out of town last week-end and that it was empty and painful to me. He said that when we are together, that I seem uptight and about ready to fly off the handle. I told him that I am uptight and uncomfortable around him, that it is empty and meaningless. Finally he said he didn’t know what to say. I said that I didn’t know what to say either. Later as he was getting ready to leave the house, he said that the “How We Love” book looked like it would be interesting. Then the phone rang and he went to answer it, so that was that.
* I didn’t tell him what to do because that is not the role I want to take anymore. I’m o.k. with working on the relationship together, but I don’t want to be co-dependent, “the fixer” anymore. I need to take responsibility for my words and actions and to expect him to take responsibility for himself.
You know, there have been times over the years when things have been better for a few days. We’ve had a conversation or gone to counseling and things seem like maybe they will improve. But it’s never lasting.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. I feel so frustrated. I want things to be so much better, to be so different. But it is beyond me. It truly is. I can work on being more honest with myself about what I think, feel, and want. I can work on being better about expressing it carefully when I need to. But I don’t really know about the marriage. And if it improves some, is that enough?
At least I ran today.
Oh, and it’s my birthday.