So, how did I feel about the “Not selling” incident? (See previous post.)
At first I was shocked at how blatantly immature he was about it. This is playground stuff. “If you don’t do it my way, I’m not going to play.” “If you won’t do ‘x’ then I won’t do ‘y.’ He was like a two year old not getting his way. And he was full of blame. “But she….” He wouldn’t accept responsibility for anything. So very immature.
As we kept talking, I kept wondering, is he getting anything I am trying to explain? Will this make any difference for the future in any way? I felt frustrated.
I felt angry that I had to be talking to a grown man like one would have to talk to a child. I felt angry, too, that I had to be a mediator between a father and a daughter, when a mediator shouldn’t be needed. At least not like this.
I cried on the way to work after the conversation. I was so frustrated and so upset and so hurt about the whole entire situation. Everything. Not just that particular conversation, but everything that goes on in this “family.”
And because I felt frustrated and upset and hurt, I wanted to be comforted. But the one who should have been the one I could turn to for that comfort was the one causing the hurt. Which causes more frustration and more hurt. This may sound weird, but I wanted to be made love to, to feel loved and special.
When I didn’t hear from him all day in any way, I wondered if what I said actually made any difference to him at all. If I even mattered. At the end of the day, when he came home, he acted as if the conversation never took place. That is really hard on me, too. When things like the morning’s conversation happen, it drains so much out of me. I feel like it weakens me, takes part of the life out of me. And then there’s nothing to refill the void left. It is a like a wound, another hole left in me. When he never again brings up whatever incident took so much out of me, it’s like adding insult to injury. “Here, let me stab you and leave you bleeding and then pretend like it never happened. Oh, and you’re supposed to go on loving me.”