Looney bin

O.K., so I have to write this.  I know I am going to sound completely crazy, but I have to write this.   If you’ve ever “been there, done that,”  you’ll understand.  But if not, please don’t send me off to the looney bin just yet.

Friday night, he and I were eating dinner together.  (Our daughters refuse to eat with him.)  He asked me if he could ask me about stuff from the “How We Love” book, which he has started reading.  I said sure.

One of the first questions the book asks is, do you remember being comforted as a child?  So he asked me that.  I told him, no.  Then I asked him and he said yes.  He asked me about when my mom was sick and I was sent to live with the other family.   So we talked about the things I had written about in this post.  He asked me how I thought it made me feel.  I told him it made me feel like I didn’t matter, that I wasn’t important.  I told him that it made me lonely, made feel that I don’t deserve anything but loneliness.  He asked me why I though I deserved loneliness.  I told him, because life hasn’t given me anything but loneliness.  He looked like he wanted to say something in response to that but he didn’t. [Being married to a passive aggressive man is very lonely, but I didn’t bring that up.]  Sometimes I would ask him about some of his childhood.  He seems to have had a pretty good childhood, from what he says.  (But I think there must be stuff he doesn’t admit.)   Even though I ended up feeling very tense and very sad, it was a pretty good conversation.

He said that he would rub my feet for me after I took my shower.

After dinner, he took a shower and then I took a shower.  When I came out of the bathroom, he was sitting in bed, reading “How We Love.”   He didn’t look at me or say anything when I came into the room.  I walked around the bed to get into bed.  Still he completely ignored me being there.   I got into bed and he kept reading and didn’t move.  I lie across the bed when he rubs my feet, so he would need to move for me to lie down this way.  He didn’t move.  Finally, v-e-r-y slowly, still reading, as if I’m not there, he gradually moved out of the way and eventually put down the book so he could rub my feet.

It was just weird.  We had had a pretty close conversation and then he acts like I’m not there, like I don’t matter.   Honestly, I wasn’t really hurt.  It’s par for the course.  In fact, while we were talking at dinner, I was wondering how the “distancing” from the close conversation would occur.  So I was kind of prepared.

At least the foot rub was nice.

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3 Responses to Looney bin

  1. tt says:

    I just found your blog today -while searching for information on PA , so that I can make sense of my life….. I have been reading your blogs for over an hour…. its like I am reading my life story…. 6 year of marriage and 12 years in the relationship…. I too, began ,just recently writing my thought and feelings becuase when I try to explain myself to others it just makes me sound crazy… So I stop talking… I go back and forth from feeling loved to resented or the source of his promblems (daily (somtimes multiple times a day – very rapid cycler some days) I really never know for sure where I stand….. but this post really took me by suprise…. The thing that has always hurt me the most, is his ability to completly avoid/allianate me in the same room or house when he is sulking. Never making any eye contact, as if he is oblivious to my presence. I think of life without him often – what it would be like without the constant emotional games, but about that time he does something, nice, or I feel sorry for him because he is the constant victom. Can Iconfess I always feel sorry for him, even now while I am writing.. I feel guilgy for how I feel. HOW have you done this for 25 years…. I see my future in you blog if nothing changes…yours has not. Having said all of this, I am the main bread winner of the two, and feel he has no sense of obligation to me… I feel I cannot trust him with my future…. yet I keep hanging on.

    • It does sound crazy to try to explain it! Sometimes I’ve tried, but people just look at me like I am nuts!! But there are those who really do understand – they’ve lived with it, too. His ability to totally disconnect, to build a wall between us was always very hurtful. The vacillating between nice and distant/hurtful is very hard to take; it does make you feel crazy! But trust, and a relationship, can only be where there is consistency. Yes, I understand the feeling sorry for him. Sometimes I feel sorry for my husband, too. In fact, when I said yes when he proposed, it was because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. But your have to take care of yourself. If he treats you well, then he can be with you. But if not, then you have to protect yourself. That is such a hard concept for me because I grew up believing that you always had to take care of the other person first. But, no, you have to make sure that you are healthy and strong by taking care of yourself first so then you can help others. Since you are the main bread winner, you will be able to support yourself on your own. Be sure to comment back on my blog and let me know how you are doing! And thank you so much for sharing some of your experience. :)

      • tt says:

        You are a breath of fresh air for me. Just knowing that I have found someone who understands makes the world feel safer. I have had noone that truly understands the insanity that I live in.
        Today started off good…. “Im beautiful” and “have a blessed day dear” and he made my lunch. Other than his persistance that I drink his instant coffee, when I forever tell him I dont like it…. NOT a bad start… Lets see where it goes….

        P.S. See! even writing this makes me sound/feel crazy…. Becasue as I tell how good it was, I still wonder what is going on in his mind…and how it will be the next time we communicate. I am just freaking on edge all the time, whether he is nice to me or not.

        I am at an age where I just want things to be a little easier, not have to work so hard at the relationship, want to feel settled, at peace. We have been together long enough it should be this way…… Life is hard enough without CRAZY!

        P.S.S.
        BTW…. I also have two children that are going to college… daughter “J” (22) finishing and son “C” 18 starting…. MY children from first marriage, we have none together. So you can imagine how distanced he is and sometimes resentful of them. I worked very hard to learn how to not be afraid of the raging anger that I had to deal with when confronting him, so that I could stand for them… For them I can do it….it seems for me, I cower more and try to avoid the sulking and the avoidance and having to communicate (because he cant communicate)…. Oh and did I mention, he thinks Im to opinionated and that I think I have a – lets just say male anatomy)! That was I hear regularly.

        I have 18 years of garbage stored in my brain and heart, it has cost me a lot, possibly even the love I once was engulfed by, for him. OH how I loved him so. Sorry , I could go on for days, I might now that I have found your blog…

        Thanks for sharing your life!

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