Last night, he apologized.
He told me thank you for trying to make love with him. He told me he was sorry it didn’t work out for me. He said that he loved me and cared very much for me.
I asked him what part of love and caring was it to climb on top of me when I was crying. He said he didn’t know what to do and that I told him to do it.
He said that he wanted sex to be good for us.
I told him that I didn’t think that was possible.
He asked why not.
I told him that I didn’t think he was willing to do the things that needed to be done to change.
He said he was. He said he was working very hard to give me what I needed. He said he was sorry again for last night.
I asked him if he was sorry for the last fifteen years of sex making me cry.
He said yes.
I said, and you have an appointment to talk to somebody about this?
He said, no, but that he was reading the book that I gave him [“How We Love”] and that he was learning a lot about himself. And that he thought things could be better for us.
And how long do I keep waiting? And do I even pretend to believe him? If you read my blog, you’ll see that almost every day it is something else. And the hours in between that I don’t write about contain nothing positive for the marriage. It’s not like I’m only writing about the bad stuff and none of the good stuff. There is no good stuff. Yes, there is food on the table and the lights are on and there is gas in the vehicles. But that’s about it.
So last night he says he’s sorry. Oh, did you notice he blamed it on me?
I’m so tired of letting myself be jerked around. Why do I do that to myself? Why do I let him treat me that way? Have I had enough yet?
I don’t really want to leave my house, although it would be nice to have a place to live that wasn’t completely falling apart. I especially don’t want to leave my garden. I’ve worked so hard on my garden over these years and some parts of it I love so much. My flowers are so beautiful.
But I guess I can always build another garden. I have to let go.
Yesterday I read a really good blog post that reminded me a lot of the book that I read, “Necessary Endings.” Somehow reading that post after what I had posted yesterday was like a reminder that I just need to end this agony and move on to whatever is next for me.
Here is the post: Escape From No-Man’s-Land Good title, huh?