Is it supposed to be this difficult? I know they say that relationships take work, but is this what they mean?
This post may not make a lot of sense because I’m tired and frustrated. And living with passive aggression makes me insane.
Tonight after dinner, he said he wanted to ask me something. He said he had turned on the computer and saw that I had been looking at a listing on craigslist for an apartment. He wanted to know what that was about. I told him I was just looking. He asked why. I told him that sometimes I think about leaving. He told me that I didn’t need to do that. I told him that there was nothing in the marriage for me; it was just empty and painful.
He said he wanted to give me everything I needed. [Have you heard this before?]
He then asked me if I had read the part in the book “How We Love” about the Avoider marrying the Vacillator. He thinks he is an Avoider and I am a Vacillator in our love styles, according to this book. I told him I probably had read that part but I don’t remember specifically.
(The book became very painful to me and I had to stop reading it, although I do look up things in it and do plan to finish reading it at some point.)
So he said he thought things could be better for us, he thought the book had a lot of helpful information and that we could be happy together. He said he hadn’t gotten to the part about helping the Avoider and Vacillator work together, but he thought it could help us. I tried to tell him that I thought I was more of a Pleaser in my love style rather than a Vacillator, even though I do have some traits of Vacillator. He wouldn’t listen to me about that.
Then he said, “You need to realize that we both need to make changes.”
This may not make sense, but that made me crazy! I feel like for twenty-plus years I have been trying to improve our marriage (co-dependently, yes, I’ll give you that) and then for him to tell me, after him doing nothing for these past almost twenty-five years, that I need to realize that I need to make changes…..
Anyhow, I told him I couldn’t do this anymore, meaning that conversation, and I got up to go put away the groceries.
And I just cried and cried. I wanted to die. (That is my default thinking – or non-thinking – when I feel overwhelmed and just don’t want to deal with it anymore, when I don’t see any way out. When I feel trapped.)
I felt like maybe he was trying to make improvements and I was being difficult and if he’s trying to improve, then I have to stick around and see if it gets better. And maybe at some point it does get a little better, then I am still stuck in a purgatory of mediocrity. And don’t want that.
I don’t want to deal with any of this. I am so tired of trying to figure it out, of trying to be reasonable. I am so tired.
Is it that hard to love someone? Am I really that difficult to live with? Are relationships really supposed to be this tricky and this complicated? It makes sense that you have to give time and attention to a relationship, to the other person, but is it supposed to make you crazy?