He’s working out of town for the next four days. When he left this morning, he said, “I love you. I’m going to miss you. I know you’re not going to miss me. You’re going to have a grand time here with me out of the way.”
I wanted to say, “It doesn’t have to be like this.”
I wanted to say, “I missed you for twenty-two years.”
And I did. I used to miss him all the time. I wanted him to be “here.” To be with me. Emotionally connected. Us together.
Throughout our married life, I often felt lonely when he was around. Whenever he was sick, I was REALLY lonely, because then there wasn’t even the chance that we might somehow connect, whereas at other times, at least there was the chance we might connect.
On the rare occasions that I went to visit family without him, I missed him so badly. I wanted him to be with me, or me to be with him.
A couple of years ago, I started attending Al-Anon, and started learning about detachment. I learned about taking care of myself, whether or not he was taking care of me. I learned about filling my time with what I needed rather than waiting around to see if he was going to give me what I needed. And thus began the distancing on my part.
I feel like it was my co-dependence that kept anything in the marriage. When I started looking after myself more, and not “care-taking” towards him, I really began to see how empty the marriage was. It has become very clear to me over the past few years how much he wasn’t giving to the marriage.
So, no, I won’t miss him while he is gone. Because, in a sense, he’s always gone. And I realize that now.
I will relax. I will feel more peaceful.