Missing him

He’s working out of town for the next four days.  When he left this morning, he said, “I love you.  I’m going to miss you.  I know you’re not going to miss me.  You’re going to have a grand time here with me out of the way.”

I wanted to say, “It doesn’t have to be like this.”

I wanted to say, “I missed you for twenty-two years.”

And I did.  I used to miss him all the time.  I wanted him to be “here.”  To be with me.  Emotionally connected.  Us together.

Throughout our married life, I often felt lonely when he was around.  Whenever he was sick, I was REALLY lonely, because then there wasn’t even the chance that we might somehow connect, whereas at other times, at least there was the chance we might connect.

On the rare occasions that I went to visit family without him,  I missed him so badly.  I wanted him to be with me, or me to be with him.

A couple of years ago, I started attending Al-Anon, and started learning about detachment.  I learned about taking care of myself, whether or not he was taking care of me.  I learned about filling my time with what I needed rather than waiting around to see if he was going to give me what I needed.  And thus began the distancing on my part.

I feel like it was my co-dependence that kept anything in the marriage.  When I started looking after myself more, and not “care-taking” towards him, I really began to see how empty the marriage was.  It has become very clear to me over the past few years how much he wasn’t giving to the marriage.

So, no, I won’t miss him while he is gone.  Because, in a sense, he’s always gone.  And I realize that now.

I will relax.  I will feel more peaceful.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Missing him

  1. Okay I just have to get this out. First, you are a beautiful Mom and Person. Truly you are, I have been reading your blog for a few months and if you and I met for coffee, you’d say we married the same person. What I really want to say is what is up with the Passive Aggressive *victim* statement he made. “You are going to have a grand time here with me out of the way.” UGH I bet you wanted to throw a tomato at him. Please, poor poor you. (meaning him, not you) Clearly you are of sound mind and certainly can see things for what they really are. Which is very very hard. Like you I hope to someday be rid of my Passive Aggressive. Like you, I have a daughter (I was the one with the 12 year old girl with Leukemia who is now in remission.) Anyway, I know you are holding on for your girls. you have my support and friendship. and I pray for you at night, I hope that does not sound weird because I dont want you to feel that way. I hope you have a WONDERFUL time while he is gone. You should relax and be at peace. Hope you enjoy some nice long walks too in the sunshine. Wishing you happier days ahead. Your friend in MN

    • Thank you. And, no, it doesn’t sound weird to me that you pray for me at night. I appreciate that! :) I am glad your daughter is in remission. That must be huge for you! Hang in there! One day, maybe sooner rather than later, you can leave, too. :)

  2. Karen says:

    Mine is leaving for about 9 days. The house will be calm, quiet, and lacking in general chaos. I have 2 young men living here, too…my son and his friend. It helps to have them here…they see what I see. Thank you for sharing your blog. I will be following.

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