For a long, long time now, I have been feeling kind of lost. Wondering who I am. Wondering where my life is going. Wondering if I am crazy. Feeling like the life is being sucked out of me.
I just go through the motions of living – eating, sleeping, working, shopping, talking, whatever. But I don’t feel alive. I don’t feel like I am me.
My dream always was to be a wife and a mother, to live in a pretty house with a pretty garden.
My marriage is empty. Maybe, probably ending. My daughters are grown and almost grown. My house is not pretty, despite my efforts. (Well, parts of it are, but that doesn’t make up for everything that is wrong with the house.) My garden is pretty. I do like my garden. But I feel sad about my garden because I will probably be leaving it.
So, today, yet again, I was feeling lost and sad about who I am and where I am going and what my life is. Wondering about my future. Wondering if I’ll ever be in a loving relationship. I’m not excited about work. I’m not excited about the organization I recently started volunteering with. I’m not excited about much of anything. Most of all, I just feel drained.
What about my dreams? My poor, sad, dying dreams?
I wanted to buy a little notebook to keep track of passwords. (I know they say not to do this, but, really. Every-single-thing-you-do requires a password. Maybe you can remember every password you come up with, but I can’t!) So this afternoon, at the store, I was looking at cheap, little spiral-bound notebooks. Then I saw a little hardback, journal-like notebook with an elastic band to hold it closed. I’m not usually one for cutesy sayings (even though I really like quotes. Especially inspirational quotes.), but the saying on this journal really got to me. I couldn’t put that little book back on the shelf. I ended up buying it, instead of the cheap spiral-bound notebook.
The saying on the little journal?
“Sometimes, on the way to a dream you get lost and find a better one.”