So last night, I had a conversation with my husband that left me feeling crazy, absolutely insane. (Note the subtitle on my blog: the insanity of passive aggression.)
I brought up that we had had a conversation Thursday night (see post before last), that he sulked about all day Friday, and then said nothing about on Saturday (see previous post). I told him that behavior like this is what made me feel like we couldn’t get any closer, that made me feel like I was married to a little boy.
What ensued was just crazy. I’m not even going to try to recreate it. I don’t know how to handle these things. I hurt so badly, I want so much more, I feel so frustrated, so pent up inside, I feel crazy, so I don’t even know if I say the right things. (BTW – he didn’t deny sulking.)
He told me things like, he works his butt off and then I don’t appreciate him and I tell him he’s not a good provider. So, I asked him if he was content with our financial situation. He said, no, and then I said, and I’m supposed to be, even if you’re not? So then we argued about financial stuff.
He said he does everything and nobody around here does anything. Oh, except the laundry. I just wanted to scream! I pretty much did. It made me want to stop doing everything I actually do do. I tried to tell him all the stuff I did.
He told me I wasn’t affectionate. He told me that he didn’t have sex with me all these years because he didn’t know I wanted sex. (I am really, really, really curious here: can someone PLEASE tell me… don’t most guys pretty much want sex all the time? If there’s even a slight chance they might get to have sex, won’t they pretty much push that and see what they can get? Do all the guys out there wait for the woman to say she wants sex? This might be TMI, but a couple of times at work, men I work with let me know they would be more than happy to sleep with me. I didn’t offer it. And I didn’t accept. So I am just wondering, lots of guys do want sex and don’t just wait around for it, right? Or am I really confused here? And BTW – I pretty much want sex all the time and have for years and years and years. And if he didn’t know that, he doesn’t know me at all. Or doesn’t care.)
Anyhow, back to the conversation… it was the usual …. he wants to give me what I need … everything is my fault… except when I got sarcastic and told him he could blame it all on me – I messed up the kids, the financial situation is my fault, the whole sex thing is my fault, the dilapidated house is my fault, I’ll take responsibility and I’ll never bring it up again – then he said he was responsible. But in the conversation up to that point, he was blaming everything, yet again, on me.
Finally, in tears, I told him I had just wanted him to love me and to take care of me. I had given him everything I could. And then I told him I couldn’t talk about it anymore that night.
I took my shower and cried and cried and cried. I felt absolutely insane. I felt crazy. I felt like I should be hauled off and locked up. I prayed and prayed, asking God, please don’t let me be crazy. Of course, when I got into bed, he was already asleep. This morning all he said to me was, “I hope you have a nice day.”
So I was wondering, what EXACTLY about passive aggressive behavior makes you crazy?
Then I was reading in “The Language of Letting Go” and I found the answer in this paragraph: “Today, I will be open to giving and receiving the healthiest love possible. I will watch for discrepancies between words and behaviors that confuse me and make me feel crazy. When that happens, I will understand that I am not crazy; I am in the midst of a discrepancy.”
There is my answer: the discrepancy between words and behaviors. That is why passive aggressive behavior makes you feel crazy.