I feel he hates me

I feel like he hates me.

And why does this matter to me?  Well, let’s see….  I got married, thinking I would be in a loving relationship.  I want to love and to be loved.  I still want to be loved.  And to love.

I wish he could be sweet and compassionate.  Instead, I feel like he resents me.  I don’t feel well today, and so couldn’t go somewhere we had planned on going.  He’s going, which is fine, but I feel like he is mad at me about it, that he resents that I am not going.

I know he doesn’t like it that I won’t have sex with him.  You know, I SO get the wanting sex thing.  Ask me how many times over the past 24 plus years I have wanted sex and didn’t get to have it.  I still want sex.  (I just don’t want to cry and feel like I want to kill myself when it is over.)  So I understand wanting sex.  But at least I tried to find a solution to why he wouldn’t have more sex with me.  I tried to figure out what was going on.  I tried to be a better wife so I would be more desirable.  He just sulks and gets a little mean about other stuff, rather than addressing the situation at all.

Of course, he would tell you that he loves me.  Maybe he does, in his way.  I don’t know.  I just don’t feel loved.  I feel tense around him.  I want so much more from the relationship that just isn’t there.  And then I feel crazy for wanting more.  You know, all those things like, be content, be thankful, count your blessing.  But then there are “necessary endings.”  And I end up wondering which category this falls into.

I wish it could be more simple.   And peaceful.  I be nice to you.  You be nice to me.  We talk.   We get along.  We work things out.  We make love.

But, no, just insanity and tears.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I feel he hates me

  1. It’s so horrible… Being in a relationship that makes you crazy because everything you want you SEEM to be getting, for the outside word at least, while in fact to you it feels like a facade hiding nothing but hate and indifference.
    I so wish there was something that could be done…

    • Yes, from the outside, it looks like I’ve got everything I could want. But, no, not really. Not even close. It is a facade. I am working to try to have enough money to leave, but it seems like that won’t be any time soon.

      • Don’t give up hope, you’ll get there!
        If I can give you one advice with regards to leaving, it’s this: make sure as much of your belongings and bank accounts are officially on your name. I don’t know what your marriage act exactly states, but when you’re the one leaving it’s better to take precautions.

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