I feel he hates me

I feel like he hates me.

And why does this matter to me?  Well, let’s see….  I got married, thinking I would be in a loving relationship.  I want to love and to be loved.  I still want to be loved.  And to love.

I wish he could be sweet and compassionate.  Instead, I feel like he resents me.  I don’t feel well today, and so couldn’t go somewhere we had planned on going.  He’s going, which is fine, but I feel like he is mad at me about it, that he resents that I am not going.

I know he doesn’t like it that I won’t have sex with him.  You know, I SO get the wanting sex thing.  Ask me how many times over the past 24 plus years I have wanted sex and didn’t get to have it.  I still want sex.  (I just don’t want to cry and feel like I want to kill myself when it is over.)  So I understand wanting sex.  But at least I tried to find a solution to why he wouldn’t have more sex with me.  I tried to figure out what was going on.  I tried to be a better wife so I would be more desirable.  He just sulks and gets a little mean about other stuff, rather than addressing the situation at all.

Of course, he would tell you that he loves me.  Maybe he does, in his way.  I don’t know.  I just don’t feel loved.  I feel tense around him.  I want so much more from the relationship that just isn’t there.  And then I feel crazy for wanting more.  You know, all those things like, be content, be thankful, count your blessing.  But then there are “necessary endings.”  And I end up wondering which category this falls into.

I wish it could be more simple.   And peaceful.  I be nice to you.  You be nice to me.  We talk.   We get along.  We work things out.  We make love.

But, no, just insanity and tears.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to I feel he hates me

  1. It’s so horrible… Being in a relationship that makes you crazy because everything you want you SEEM to be getting, for the outside word at least, while in fact to you it feels like a facade hiding nothing but hate and indifference.
    I so wish there was something that could be done…

    • Yes, from the outside, it looks like I’ve got everything I could want. But, no, not really. Not even close. It is a facade. I am working to try to have enough money to leave, but it seems like that won’t be any time soon.

      • Don’t give up hope, you’ll get there!
        If I can give you one advice with regards to leaving, it’s this: make sure as much of your belongings and bank accounts are officially on your name. I don’t know what your marriage act exactly states, but when you’re the one leaving it’s better to take precautions.

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