I feel like he hates me.
And why does this matter to me? Well, let’s see…. I got married, thinking I would be in a loving relationship. I want to love and to be loved. I still want to be loved. And to love.
I wish he could be sweet and compassionate. Instead, I feel like he resents me. I don’t feel well today, and so couldn’t go somewhere we had planned on going. He’s going, which is fine, but I feel like he is mad at me about it, that he resents that I am not going.
I know he doesn’t like it that I won’t have sex with him. You know, I SO get the wanting sex thing. Ask me how many times over the past 24 plus years I have wanted sex and didn’t get to have it. I still want sex. (I just don’t want to cry and feel like I want to kill myself when it is over.) So I understand wanting sex. But at least I tried to find a solution to why he wouldn’t have more sex with me. I tried to figure out what was going on. I tried to be a better wife so I would be more desirable. He just sulks and gets a little mean about other stuff, rather than addressing the situation at all.
Of course, he would tell you that he loves me. Maybe he does, in his way. I don’t know. I just don’t feel loved. I feel tense around him. I want so much more from the relationship that just isn’t there. And then I feel crazy for wanting more. You know, all those things like, be content, be thankful, count your blessing. But then there are “necessary endings.” And I end up wondering which category this falls into.
I wish it could be more simple. And peaceful. I be nice to you. You be nice to me. We talk. We get along. We work things out. We make love.
But, no, just insanity and tears.