This is an excerpt from the book “The Human Magnet Syndrome,” written by Ross Rosenberg.
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The “dance” of codependency requires two people: the pleaser/fixer and the taker/controller. This inherently dysfunctional dance can only happen with one partner who is a codependent and another partner who is a narcissist (abuser or addict). Codependents do not know how to emotionally disconnect or avoid significant relationships with individuals who are selfish, controlling, and harmful to them. They find partners who are experienced with their dance style: a dance that begins as thrilling and exciting, but ends up rife with drama, conflict, and feelings of being trapped.
When a codependent and narcissist come together in a relationship, their “dance,” unfolds flawlessly: the narcissistic partner maintains the lead and the codependent follows. Because the codependent gives up their power, the dance is perfectly coordinated: no one gets their toes stepped on.
Typically, codependents give of themselves much more than their partners give to them. As a “generous” but bitter partner, they seem to be stuck on the dance floor, always waiting for “next song,” at which time their partner will finally understand their needs. The codependent confuses care-taking and sacrifice with love and responsibility. Although they are proud of their self-described strength, unselfishness, and endless compassion, they end up feeling deflated, empty, and yearning to be loved, but angry that they are not. They are essentially stuck in a pattern of giving and sacrificing, without the potential of receiving the same from their partner. When they dance, they often pretend to enjoy the dance, but usually hide their feelings of bitterness, sadness, and loneliness.
The codependent’s fears and insecurities create a sense of pessimism and doubt over ever finding a healthy partner, someone who could love them for who they are versus what they can do. Naturally, the narcissist is attracted to the codependent’s lack of self-worth and low self-esteem. They intuitively know that they will be able to control this person and be able to choose and control the dancing experience.
All codependents want balance in their relationships, but seem to consistently choose a partner who leads them to chaos and resentment. When given a chance to stop dancing with their narcissistic partner, or comfortably sit out the dance until someone healthy comes around, they choose to continue to dance. The codependent dares not to leave their narcissistic dance partner because their lack of self-esteem and low sense of self-worth manifests into the fear of being alone. Being alone is equivalent to feeling lonely, and loneliness is an intolerable feeling for a codependent.
Without self-esteem or feelings of personal power, the codependent does not know how to choose healthy (mutually giving) partners. Their inability to find a healthy partner is usually related to an unconscious motivation to find a person who is familiar…someone who reminds them of their powerless childhood. Many codependents come from families in which they were children of parents who were also experts at the dance. Their fear of being alone, compulsion to control and fix at any cost, and comfort in their role as the martyr who is endlessly loving, devoted, and patient, is a result of roles they observed early on in their childhood.
No matter how often the codependent tries to avoid “unhealthy” partners, they find themselves consistently on the dance floor dancing to different songs, but with the same dance partner. Through psychotherapy and, perhaps, a 12-step recovery program, the codependent begins to recognize that their dream to dance the grand dance of love, reciprocity, and mutuality, is indeed possible. Through therapy and/or change of lifestyle, they build self-esteem, personal power, and hope to finally dance with partners who are willing and capable to share the lead, communicate their movements, and pursue a shared rhythm.
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Source:
“The Human Magnet Syndrome,” by Ross Rosenberg.
Passive Aggressive Abuse 
Thank you so much for sharing this article. I have been struggling with co-dependency my entire life, and although I have changed quite a bit, it is obviously not enough because I am still with this man who has hurt and destroyed my life for the past 18 years.
It’s so sad, isn’t it? :( I haven’t gone for awhile, but when I attended Al Anon, it really seemed to help me. Of course, I am still here. Unfortunately. I’m working on trying to have enough money to leave, but I’m not there yet. :( Hang in there!
No words. Just amazed at the parallels in our lives…most of us are codependent…we’re like PA magnets! Wow. I’m quickly understanding how to separate what I WANT to do for people and what I feel I’m doing to please.
I has taken me a LONG time to figure it out!!! And I still don’t do it well, but at least I am more aware of it! :)
Just discovered I was in a dance with a Narcissist Sociopath (now exhusband) and his 3 boys who were also like him as they reached teen years. Just recoverying from the part way they spit you out when they are done with you. Just understanding that I am a codependent and need to get help. Finding comfort through my faith.
I am glad that you are finding the comfort that you need. I think, too, that recognizing co-dependence is a big step, too!
This essay was written by Ross Rosenberg http://blog.clinicalcareconsultants.com/codependency-dont-dance-revised/. It is also a part of his book, The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us
The content of this post must be attributed to Ross Rosenberg http://blog.clinicalcareconsultants.com/codependency-dont-dance-revised/
Thank you!
Finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. I am in the healing process of leaving a Narcissistic sociopath. It took me almost 5 years to realize what I have been dealing with, but I am almost there.
i am married to a pa narc. have been 23 years,just now figuring out it’s not me.! trying to save money to get out. great article thanks,it’s right on
Please amend the source to give the due credit to the original author Ross Rosenberg as this is word for word an extract from The Human Magnet Syndrome, which is a fantastic book. Plagiarism is not cool.
Yes, I certainly will. Thank you for pointing that out to me; I was not aware that this excerpt was from The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg.
My ex friend has the nicest husband, he is always being a proxy for her, when people finally find out her true colors and confront her. She stonewalls people after they take off her narcissists mask and expects her husband to confront them. Everyday I hope he wakes up and confronts her, because he is always tired, has health problems, a lot of aches and pains. They have three kids, and the youngest a girl, is showing signs of narcissistic traits. She is bossy at school, and doesn’t show other kids she verbally abuses any empathy. She’s not nice on social media either, and this is so common. It’s her forum to collect supply for her dominance. The middle child another girl is quiet and goes with the flow, and tries to get involved as much as possible with her friends, to avoid her younger sister. The boy, the eldest , confronted his littlest sister, and was met with rage and projection , a lot of cussing and condescending behavior.
When confronted by a rightfully angry normal person, they will never understand the other person’s feelings and say they’ve slandered them. Like they are in a magazine or something. LOL! The narc friends or proxy, will fight their fight for them, because basically a narcissist is a coward, when taken on by any self respecting person who has had enough.