Flowers and dinner

Well, the flowers came to the office at about twelve-thirty p.m.  A mixed bouquet of six roses- two white, two pink, and two red – with about a dozen alstroemeria from Pro-Flowers.

I texted him and told him, “Thank you for the flowers ~ they are very pretty.”

He texted back and said, “And so are you.  Would you like to meet at Outback Steakhouse for dinner?”

I know I am going to sound like a horrible woman.

The flowers create such a conflict in me.  I love flowers.  I wanted to be sent flowers.  But after they came, when I was off for lunch, I went into the bathroom and cried.  I guess it’s the conflict, the contrast: it is such a nice gesture, but so much else is wrong.

Maybe I should just focus on the positive:  he did send flowers, he did invite me to dinner.

But then there actually is some very passive aggressive stuff going on here.

Even the flowers.  Everyone walks by. Everyone sees the flowers. Everyone asks about the flowers.  Everyone thinks I have a wonderful husband.  And how can you explain to someone that you are unhappy with a man who sends you flowers?  (No, I don’t try.  I just smile.)

And the dinner.  Yes, dinner is nice.  Spontaneity is nice.  But, I’m sorry, you’ve known about this date for twenty-five years.  You’ve known your wife would wonder if you are going to take her out.  And yet you play this little control game, this little guessing game to keep her on edge, off-balance.

So do I sound like an ungrateful wretch now?  I’m sure I do.

The flowers are pretty and the dinner will taste good.


This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Flowers and dinner

  1. tt says:

    Yesterday when I read this… I immediately could see how the PA poisons us and brings us to a place where you always expect somthing is being done covert and underhandedly to promote them looking saintly,faultless, pitiful, innocent and mistreated and sometimes all of these at the same time. I have lived so many years with having my knees knocked out from under me, that I now watch and wait for it…. It can truly happen in the moment you are on the edge of bliss… So you forgo bliss of anykind and only expect what you know is eventually coming……….

    May I please share my last evenings events. OK SO HERE GOES. My husband recently was laid off…. I have been waiting on a check for three weeks from Short Term Disability (just back to work this week – he was laid of while I was on 6 week leave). Anyway…. finally my check came, but I knew when he saw the amount he would feel no responsibilty to assist within anything once his unemployment check came in-.. (because I already know that he resents giving me anything as it is and last time he was unemployed I never saw a dime of it.) Anyway due to the check being late everything was due and it would not be enough to cover bills i have been holding… So in my mind I felt I need to explain where all of the money from my check was going to go and basically just communicate what is needed so he could be aware… Mind you I tip toe very carefully around every subject I bring up with him because communcation is impossible but it is something that is necessary sometime even when you really know the outcome…. so i carefully started my conversation and was cut off in mid-sentence with…. ” I got your point, I will get you YOUR money” and then stopped talking and joined him in his silence… and then ended the call… Few minutes later I get a call that he is leaving to go borrow money from a friend and he would get it to me… I tried to ask Why? and tell him that I only wanted to communicate to him where the money in my check was going… He was furious and yelling that how to talk to me? and my tone and my words and my everything that I did wrong….. I tried to explain that it is impossible to communicate and I was not going to continue with the conversation, because he was not twisting it to be my fault… I said several time this converstation is over and bye… he finally hung up.. By the time I got home he was gone… and I never spoke to him again yesterday evening…. He came in at midnight… got in bed sulking, turned his back towards me and I guess he went to sleep… This morning rolls over and I am getting up to go to work and tells me he’s sorry…. I say ok… I start getting dressed and he gets up and I tell him the internet has been cut off…. He says ok… and then states “I snuggled you under your arm while you slept”…. Aww is’nt that special.. Im was talking about the internet….REALLY …WHO CARES IF YOU SNUGGLED ME… Anyway… I finished getting dressed and kissed him goodbye for damanger control and left.
    So I get a text while I am at work are you busy, I said a little… I need your help, can you help me answer the quesitions for this job evaluation, I am getting confused… Can I call you…. SURE POOR PITIFUL CONFUSED MISTREATED VICTOM, CALL ME.. I WILL BE GLAD TO DROP EVERYTHING I AM DOING TO HELP YOU AND CATER TO YOU AND BE YOUR FRIEND AND HELP YOU IN YOUR TIME OF NEED…. CAN YOU RELATE TO THIS INSANITY? WHERE IS MY HELP IN MY TIME OF NEED???????????????????????

    • tt says:

      Im sure that just sound like senseless babble to most, but it is truly my life!

      • tt says:

        oh and you want to know what REALLY special about all of this…is now I am second guessing myself and starting to feel sorry for him again. WHY? IT JUST MAKES ME HATE ME!

    • tt – I just wanted to tell you thank you for all of the comments you left on my blog!!! :) I can tell that you are “enjoying” reading it! :) And do feel free to share anything you like – it is very therapeutic and it does help process things! :)

  2. Charis says:

    From Unbreakable Bonds by Meier (pg 74)

    Waiting for reciprocity means spending countless hours, days, months, and years waiting for a distant and disconnected other to change and meet our unmet needs from childhood. We could be using all this time to learn how to and begin to meet our own needs and provide for ourselves- connecting with ourselves and friends who do love and accept us for the way we are. But instead, we waste our lives blaming and waiting for someone who is incapable of, or unwilling to, relate intimately. It is important that we teach ourselves to let them go. God said in Psalm 68 that he loves those of us who are lonely and desires to place us in new, healthier “families”

    If you are already married to someone who is disconnected, you can let go of waiting for him or her to come and fill your needs. You do not have to divorce your partner to develop an intimate knowledge of yourself. Nor do you need your spouse’s permission to form an intimate relationship with God and friends. Of course, when a marriage is strained, it often results in a lack of physical intimacy. Though we were created to enjoy this kind of intimacy in our marriages, we will not die without it. ..

    We can wait in bitterness and loneliness or let go of waiting and learn how to direct our own path to true meaning, purpose, and happiness…

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