Yes, Mo, I waffle.
Right now, I hate him. This past Friday, I was thinking maybe I could just stick it out. My job is nice enough; it lets me be around pleasant people. I’ve got my house to take care of and my hobbies. I’ve got my friends and my family and my blog. Maybe I can muddle through this.
That was Friday. But week-ends are always so hard for me, much harder than the week. I’m around him more. The emptiness and lack of connection is so much more apparent on the week-ends than during the weeks, when I am so busy.
I can’t stand how oblivious he is to my pain. And, no, I don’t tell him about it all the time. I don’t. For a couple of reasons. Number one: he already knows. And how do I know that? That leads me to number two: any time I tell him about things that are bothering me, NOTHING happens, even though he says he knows how I feel and he wants things to be better. So I just usually don’t say anything any more. There is no point. It’s like if you took your car to a mechanic and told him it was making a very loud, strange noise. And the mechanic starts the car and hears the noise and says, oh, yeah, I hear the noise. I want that fixed. Leave the car here. It’ll get fixed. And you never hear from the mechanic again. So would you call that mechanic the next time you had a problem with the car?
And let me give you an example of this obliviousness. About three weeks ago, I took my younger daughter to the doctor. Yesterday, my husband asked what the doctor said. I told him that he thinks she doesn’t get enough sleep and is depressed. And you know what my husband said? The father of my daughter? “Yeah, [friend’s name] is having a hard time sleeping, too. And he’s working ten hours a day for [another friend’s name] and still can’t sleep at night.” Period. That was it! That was all he said about our daughter suffering from depression. Depression which I firmly believe is basically caused by not having a relationship with her DADDY!!! And his next comment after that was about something that he saw on Facebook that had absolutely nothing to do with our daughter or sleep or depression or anything even remotely related. Do you see why it is pointless to try to tell him anything?
But, back to the waffling. I do waffle. I have waffled ever since I realized he was p.a. Actually, even before that. Because even before I even knew about p.a. behavior, I would waver about leaving him when the girls were grown.
After I learned about p.a. behavior, I would go back and forth. He can’t be. I must be crazy. No, he is. I have to leave. No, it’s just my imagination. Wait, he really is. This is driving me crazy. I want to leave, but I shouldn’t because of my marriage vows. Well, the past few days have gone well – maybe it’s going to be o.k. I can do this. I can’t do this. No, I can do this; I’ll just forget that I want to make love. I can’t do this. I have to get out!!! Maybe I should stay. Maybe it’ll be o.k. I have to leave now!
I think waffling is part of the result of two different things.
One of the traits of being co-dependent is doubting yourself. You don’t trust yourself. You don’t trust your judgement, your wisdom, your ability to make good decisions. Healing from co-dependence will help combat the waffling.
And one of the characteristics of a passive aggressive man is to keep the other person guessing, to keep them off-balance, to keep them unsure.
So, DON’T doubt yourself! Figure out what you need to do and do it! Little bitty step by little bitty step. Take care of yourself.