Yet another conversation…

So last night after dinner, he asked if he could have some of my time that evening.  I asked him, what for.  He said, so we could do something out of the “How We Love” book.   He said he would sit on the sofa and I would lie with my head in his lap and I would talk to him and he would listen.  [Note here:  I don’t really like him touching me, so I just stayed on the floor where I was already sitting and got him to have the conversation right then and there.]

After the conversation, I felt really frustrated and depressed.  I thought that maybe he was trying to correct things and that I should stay and give him the chance.  And that really depressed me.  But I also felt like he didn’t hear at all what I said and it just made me feel crazy.

I can’t give you the whole dialogue.  For one thing, I don’t remember all of it.  For another, you would probably get bored.  And third, some of it was just weird and didn’t make any sense.

But I can tell you some of the things that were said.

I told him that he doesn’t listen to me.  He said that I am supposed to tell him how to listen, to tell him whether I just want to vent or whether I want him to listen so he can fix a problem for me.

I told him that our problems were too big to fix ourselves, that we needed to get counseling.  He said the book would counsel us.  He said he couldn’t afford counseling.  I told him that he affords what he wants to afford.  He bought a tractor.  He fixes his equipment.  It is a choice about priorities.

I told him that even when we went to counseling he didn’t do what the therapist said.  He said he didn’t know it was a therapy assignment.

I told him that when I had told him what kind of love style I was from the book, that he wouldn’t even believe me about that.  He said that the book said that your partner might see you different from the way you see yourself.

He said that I would say that I want sex, but that I won’t have sex because of stuff. [That, by the way, is an exact quote:  “you won’t have sex because of stuff.”  I’m sorry.  Because of “stuff”?  You mean the fact that it makes me cry because we have no emotional connection?  That kind of “stuff”????  breathe… breath… anyhow…]

I told him that I felt like I was living with a stranger.  He said that he felt like he was living with a stranger, too.  He told me that he wanted me to get to know him.  I told him I already him because all he talks about is himself.

He told me that I should tell him things.  I told him that when I tell him things that it doesn’t make any difference, that he doesn’t answer me.  He said that it is too painful and he doesn’t know what to say.   [So, he wants me to tell him stuff even though I know I am going to get no response from him?  And this is helpful how???]

I told him that he seemed very self-centered, that he didn’t seem interested in me and what matters to me.  He said he asks me how I am doing.  I said it is because he feels like he has to be nice to me so I will stay and wash his laundry and cook his food.

Anyhow, you can kinda see how the conversation went.

I really don’t feel like he really heard me at all.

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7 Responses to Yet another conversation…

  1. tt says:

    Off Topic, but still I have a question. My husband on most days, will be in a room or enter a room or pass through a room, and be totally oblivious of my presence. It is unsettling. It is as if he has the ability to totally alienate me, completely become disconnected from me. I always have and still do take offense to it. I feel it is part of his PA ways, and he is somehow, for whatever reason he has conjoured up in his mind. using this alienation to punish me. It seems very on purpose. Im not really sure what he is trying to do, but its seems so obvious that it has some meaning to it. It really makes me crazy… Do you have any insight into this type of behaviour…

    • Yes, my husband does this, too. Sometimes he even very obviously turns his back on me when I am right there. I think it is a distancing, a way of say, I’m not going to let you get close to me. Or, maybe, sometimes, I am punishing you because you did something I didn’t like; a mini silent treatment.

      • tt says:

        Today’s Conversation…
        He had a job interview…. Im at work and get a text message that reads “Would you like to know about my interview” ? I respond, “How about you just tell me how it went and quit playing games and asking dumb questions like that”? His response, “I knew you were going to say that, I know you to well. I swear it, I knew it” My reply “If you knew I would respond that way, then why did you write it” The rest of the converstation was pointless..basically per him ” I just need to get my panties out of a wad” Not, that he needs to grow up and quit playing childess games…. OH and how we got from getting my panties out of a was to … him saying “OH Thank you honey for you support while I am not working and everything you do for me……. which leaves me and him feeling like he is still the good guy here.
        Im sure it was a test, a test of my tolerance, a test to so if I care, a test… A TEST OF SOME KIND…. Your thoughts?
        OH by the way…all of that to tell me>>>> HE got the job….
        What ever happened to “Guess what Honey?” me -“What dear?” him “I got the job”…

      • It sounds like he is trying to bait you, to draw you into his drama, to put you at a disadvantage. Don’t give him that power! :) Don’t take the bait. Don’t let yourself be drawn into his drama. I always did. I still do sometimes. It still catches me off-guard. Thankfully, over time, I’ve become more aware of it and I try not to give him the satisfaction.

  2. If you read the excerpt from my Torture Book on my page… You know what I would do to this man. He is an asshole of the grandest kind.
    I think you must be one of the bravest people I know… I would probably have killed him by now.

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