Last night I yelled at him. I’m not a yelling kinda person. But I yelled last night.
It didn’t start out that way, though.
I very calmly brought up that our daughter needed a car for college and asked him if he had money to put toward buying a car for her to use. He said that he had been praying that the money would appear, but that he just didn’t have the money. He said he works as hard as he can and he has other bills to pay and there just isn’t the money. I asked him if we could use the emergency fund to help buy a car. He said, no. [He did use the emergency fund to buy a tractor, though.]
I asked him about getting a loan to get the car. (The car I found is a fairly cheap used car.) He said he didn’t have any money to pay a loan.
It became apparent in the conversation that he wasn’t going to lift a finger to help with a car for J. He knows, that since I am working, I must have some money, and he made it clear, though not in so many words, that I was going to have to buy the car for J. That he wasn’t going to do anything for her.
It was about that point that I said – um – yelled at him, “Sometimes you are a real jerk!” Now, that might not sound so terrible; it’s not some awful profanity, but you have to know me. I just don’t say stuff like that! But, I guess, maybe it did need to be said. Then I yelled something at him about him saying he wanted me to talk to him so he could help me with my problems, or was that only for last night. (see post) He said he knew from the moment the conversation started that he couldn’t win. I told him it was not a “bash your husband” conversation; it was an “our daughter needs a car” conversation, and that it wasn’t my fault if he felt guilty that he didn’t earn enough money. I yelled at him not to worry about it, that I would get a car for J. He said that was what I wanted all along. I yelled at him that what I wanted was a man who would take care of his family. He said that normal husband and wives work on things together, so I said, what do you want from me? Let’s work this out! What do you want from me? So he said, stop yelling and we’ll talk about it. So I stopped yelling and listened to what he said.
It was nothing new.
Simply: he doesn’t have the money for a car for J to use. He works as hard as he can. He called my job “a $50 a week hobby” that he supports, meaning that I spend $50 a week on gas to go to work and he pays for the gas.
It probably doesn’t come across in what I’ve written, but in the whole conversation, I was SO struck by how much he kept portraying himself as a victim: he was doing everything he could, everyone was against him, nobody else was doing anything, there just wasn’t anything more he could do.
O.K. So here’s where I suck it up. Here is where I get over the childhood feeling that if I have to pay my own way, then I am not loved and not protected and not cared for. (see post)
I’ll buy my own gas. I might add that I not only use my van to drive to work, but to drive to buy groceries, to take my daughter practice driving so she can get her license, that he sometimes takes my van when he needs to go somewhere, etc. But, whatever. I’ll pay for the gas. He can win this one. (I did get sarcastic and asked him if I needed to pay for the electricity that it takes for me to take a shower.)
And I’ll get a loan and buy that cheap car for my daughter to use. I’m scared to do that, since my job is a temp job. I’m signed up at a temp agency so hopefully I will keep busy enough to pay a car loan. Or maybe one of the jobs will turn into full time. I’m going to talk to the credit union and see if they will even give me a loan and how much the payments will be.
I’ve never bought a car before. I’ve never taken out a loan before. We’ve never had a car loan. We have had a mortgage, but we did that together. So this is new and scary. I’ve never had a car be just my responsibility.
But sometimes you just have to suck it up and do what you have to do.