I am so tired and so furious.
I am tired emotionally. Yes, physically I am a little tired, too. But mostly I am just absolutely drained emotionally. I am getting to the point where I am beginning to wonder how much longer I can keep on doing this. Any of it.
I am furious at him.
I am glad that I can provide a car for my daughter. I’m glad we have an excellent credit history, that I had accounts at the credit union with enough money to cover the loan if I were to not have a job at some point, glad that I have a job, that they could verify income. I am glad that I found a decent car and a decent seller on craiglist. I’m glad my daughter loves the car. I am glad that I am strong enough and capable enough to take care of these things for her.
But I am absolutely furious at him for not stepping up to the plate, for not standing in the gap, for not providing for his wife, for his daughter, for not being man enough to actually plan on this with me. I hate it that it feels like it is a pay-back thing. Pay-back because she hates him. Pay-back because I actually have a relationship with her and he doesn’t. Pay-back because I have a job.
Yes, I let him. It was suggested to me that I play “chicken.” See if he flinches first and buys our daughter a car. I couldn’t play chicken where my daughter was involved. So, yes, I take responsibility for being responsible.
I still feel so furious. Torn up, shredded, destroyed inside. And, yet, somehow strong, too, but in a lonely sorta way. If that makes any sense.