I am so tired and so furious. 

I am tired emotionally.  Yes, physically I am a little tired, too.  But mostly I am just absolutely drained emotionally.  I am getting to the point where I am beginning to wonder how much longer I can keep on doing this.  Any of it. 

I am furious at him. 

I am glad that I can provide a car for my daughter.  I’m glad we have an excellent credit history, that I had accounts at the credit union with enough money to cover the loan if I were to not have a job at some point, glad that I have a job, that they could verify income.  I am glad that I found a decent car and a decent seller on craiglist.  I’m glad my daughter loves the car.  I am glad that I am strong enough and capable enough to take care of these things for her. 

But I am absolutely furious at him for not stepping up to the plate, for not standing in the gap, for not providing for his wife, for his daughter, for not being man enough to actually plan on this with me.  I hate it that it feels like it is a pay-back thing.  Pay-back because she hates him.  Pay-back because I actually have a relationship with her and he doesn’t.  Pay-back because I have a job. 

Yes, I let him.  It was suggested to me that I play “chicken.”  See if he flinches first and buys our daughter a car.  I couldn’t play chicken where my daughter was involved.  So, yes, I take responsibility for being responsible. 

I still feel so furious.  Torn up, shredded, destroyed inside.  And, yet, somehow strong, too, but in a lonely sorta way.  If that makes any sense.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, marriage, money, passive aggressive, passive aggressive behavior, relationships and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Furious

  1. The strong are always lonely, because to be strong means protecting oneself and others, so you’re always on the lookout, always responsible. There is never someone who cares for you then.
    Take care… *hugs*

  2. Karen says:

    Boy, can I relate! I just found your blog after being so frustrated with my PA husband of nearly 30 years. The time to get out will be soon. I’m tired, too. Physically and emotionally. He’s in counseling, but it will take a miracle to straighten him out. I understand your post. Yes, we’ve put up with this…but it ain’t right that we have had to. We deserve better.

  3. tt says:

    I resent mine for having options. He takes the liberty of choosing what he wants to be responsible for and what he does not. If it does not benifit him directly then he opts out…. and let me explain, electricity, satellite, a ROOF…. do not seems to directly effect him…. I on the other hand, regardless of how tight money is, must be responsible for everything….Come to think of it – my ex-husband was the same way, but with a very different personality (passive without aggression) but still both are unable to be responsible. I have forever had to take care of business and no one to take care of me…. IM TIRED and ALSO FURIOUS, and beginning to be sick from exhaustion; physically and metally.

    • EXACTLY!!! That is so well put!! “He chooses what he wants to be responsible for and what he does not.” Yes, I, too, “have forever had to take care of business and no one to take care of me.” Well, one day, I am just going to quit and only take care of me. I do have to look out for things for my daughters for a little bit longer, but then…
      Thank you so much for your comment! :}

  4. I know what you mean I had to get to that point of being tired and just about not able to go on from being so wore out emotionally. I was done being the strong one the one who handled it all who made sure everything was done and things. For him to get up go to work and come home and do nothing else. I just said I am doing it any way why do I need him here to bring me down emotionally like this and make me to the point I can’t function and do what I need. Where there is a will there is a way and I have a strong enough will to do it myself and not be treated that way.

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